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The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, ’Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days.’ Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed... [However] Revelations 21:8 says ’But the fearful, and unbelieving... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.’ A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
- "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
- "Consumer’s Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897)

The supervisor and compositor shall be flogged thirty times for an error per chapter; the printer shall be flogged thirty times for bad impression, either too dark or too light, of one character per chapter.
- "Early Movable Type in Korea"

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
- "New York Times" Editorial, 1921

VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best.
- A microscopic message on the silicon chip inside one of Digital Equipment’s often stolen computer designs.

Psychographic marketing techniques helped Raid roach spray marketers discover that the reason low-income Southern women were the heaviest users of roach spray was that "a lot of their feelings about the roach were very similar to the feelings that they had about the men in their lives," said the advertising executive on the account. They said the roach, like the man in their life, "only comes around when he wants food." The act of spraying roaches and seeing them die was satisfying to this frustrated, powerless group.
- American Demographics, Nov. 1991

If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
- Amphibious Warfare Review, Spring ’89

Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
- Amphibious Warfare Review, Spring ’89

I can see the time when every city will have one.
- An American mayor’s reaction to the news of the invention of the telephone

What you do speaks so loudly to me that I cannot hear what you say.
- An old Quaker saying

Andrew no longer exists. Unsubscribe?
- Andrew Messages System

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
- Anonymous

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
- Anonymous

Write a wise saying and your name will live forever
- Anonymous

On the day of victory no one is tired.
- Arab proverb

Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach’s "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
- Bagdikian’s Observation

This document describes the usage and input syntax of the Unix Vax-11 assembler As. As is designed for assembling code produced by the "C" compiler; certain concessions have been made to handle code written directly by people, but in general little sympathy has been extended.
- Berkeley Vax/Unix Assembler Reference Manual (1983)

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
- Bizarro

True, money _can’t_ buy happiness, but it isn’t happiness I want. It’s money.
- Bizarro

Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
- Black Adder II

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
- Buckaroo Banzai

Well, if you can’t believe what you read in a comic book, what _can_ you believe?!
- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
- Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

Usenet isn’t a right. It’s a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw.
- Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

Never eat at a place called "Mom’s." Never play cards with a man called "Doc." And never, ever, forget that C treats an l-value of type array-of-T in an expression as a pointer to the first element ofthe array.
- C programmers’ saying (Traditional)

Our suggestion is that you check with purchasing to determine what the local market cost is for these supplies before you place an order or give these people approval to ship the product. Not only can this potentially save money, but in most cases it will save you from the problems and aggravations of our inferior product.
- CMU Business Affairs, May 1989

CMU security, please hold, we have an emergency.
- CMU Security (who else?)

Andrew: The bastard son of CMU and IBM.
- CMU Student

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
- Chinese Proverb

The palest ink is better than the sharpest memory.
- Chinese Proverb

If you must play, decide upon three things at the start: The rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
- Chinese proverb

Isn’t it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
- Cincinnati Enquirer

One form to rule them all, one form to find them, one form to bring them all and in the darkness rewrite the hell out of them
- Comment in sendmail ruleset 3 from DEC.

One of the most attractive features of a Connection Machine is the array of blinking lights on the faces of its cabinet."
- Connection Machine Paris Ref. Manual, v6.0, p48.

What is "Free" to me, but being masterless- and maybe hungry?
- Cullen the Fool

Remember, it’s not the principle of the thing...it’s the money!
- Daffy Duck

You can’t teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don’t.
- Dagwood Bumstead

Before you can use your Woodie... if there is a plastic strip coming out of it, please take hold of it and pull it out. If there is no plastic strip, press down from above to operate.
- Directions found on a toy

We don’t claim the items here are of any use. If you think they are -- great, but it’s up to you to decide. If they don’t work -- tough. If you lose millions of dollars because something here doesn’t work -- tough. If you don’t like this disclaimer -- tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law -- up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with a large number of software packages but this is in plain English and the rest are in legalese. We didn’t really want to include any disclaimer at all but our lawyers made us.
- Disclaimer on Andrew anonymous ftp

this compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?
- Disclaimer on a CD

Where imagination is sucked out of children by a cathode ray nipple T.V. is the only wet nurse that would create a cripple On television, the drug of a nation Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation.
- Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy

What’s the use of a good quotation if you can’t change it?
- Doctor Who

Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them.
- Dr. Fegg’s Encyclopeadia of _All_ World Knowledge

Engineers... they love to change things.
- Dr. Leonard McCoy

Gentlemen, you can’t fight here, this is a War Room!
- Dr. Strangelove

There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.
- Dr. Who

If they don’t want us to drink and drive, why do you have to have a driver’s license to buy beer?
- Drexell’s Class

We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be detested in France.
- Duke of Wellington

Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee. (A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.)
- Dutch Proverb

Give your decisions, never your reasons; your decisions may be right, your reasons are sure to be wrong.
- Earl of Mansfild

Of all the tyrants the world affords, Our own affections are the fiercest lords.
- Earl of Sterling

No matter what the product or service might be, you can always find it somewhere else cheaper!
- Ebenezer Scrooge

If William Shakespeare had a $100 million budget and computer-aided graphics, Hamlet might well have turned out very much like Terminator 2.
- Elmo

ERROR: Machine does not support color holographic images
- End of msg

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
- English Professor, Ohio University

I am not sure what this is, but an ’F’ would only dignify it.
- English Professor

Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

It is a rotten world / Artful politicians are its bane / Its saving grace is the / Artlessness of the young / And the wonders of the sky
- Epitaph, Ross Bay Cemetery, Victoria

Where there are no men of honor, strive to be a man of honor, so that others may learn from your example.
- Ethics of the Fathers

When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.
- Ethiopian proverb

Architecture: Whatever we choose to implement.
- FMS Project Leader

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.
- Felelon

His mind is like a steel trap - full of mice
- Foghorn Leghorn

There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that’s philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that’s science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled by Murphy’s Law, sometimes offset by Brewster’s Factor; that’s engineering.
- Fortune

Why can’t they invent something for us to marry instead of WOMEN?
- Fred Flintstone

X windows. It could be worse, but it’ll take time.
- From a SIGGRAPH flyer

The solution implemented here works amazingly well in most circumstances, and, being essentially half-assed, is more in keeping with the spirit of Unix. Blech.
- From a cmushell.el comment

I’ve decided that the dinosaurs weren’t killed by a giant asteroid. My new theory is that the facilities staff just decided they were too difficult to maintain.
- Fuzzy

Show me a good mouser and I’ll show you a cat with bad breath.
- Garfield

During last night’s raid on Western Germany, 69 enemy bombers were shot down. One of our fighters has failed to return, and one of our towns is missing.
- German High Command communiqui issued in 1943.

When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there’s a lawyer among the dogs.
- German proberb

On the Tobruk front a large force of Italians attacked one enemy cyclist, causing him to dismount. After heavy and prolonged fighting they were able to puncture his tires. The front wheel was destroyed, while destruction of the rear wheel must also be considered probable. The handle bars are in our hands, but possession of the frame is still contested.
- German satire of an Italian war communique, reportedly captured by British troops in Libya

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.
- Guindon cartoon caption

O words of love, O words divine! The silver thought, the golden line! Of all men’s words, there’s none so fine, As these three words: ’I’ve got mine!’
- Hagar the Horrible

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
- Hawkwind

Every time I look at my speedometer, I get lost!
- Heisenberg’s Automotive Lament

If the meek shall inherit the Earth, what will happen to us Tigers?
- Hobbes

You know, there are times when it’s a source of personal pride to not be human.
- Hobbes

Take a breath of the new dawn and make it a part of you.
- Hopi proverb

Attention: You cannot hot swap a power supply if your server has only one power supply installed.
- IBM Netfinity 5500, User’s Handbook

If an undetectable error occurs, the processor continues as if no error had occurred.
- IBM S/360 Principles of Operation

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can’t get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.
- IBM maintenance manual, 1925

You’ve got be careful about getting locked into open systems.
- IBM salesman

A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
- IEEE Grid newsmagazine

To avoid slow performance, Apple suggests that the amount of virtual memory you select be less than the system RAM.

The trick is to stop thinking it is ’your’ money.
- IRS auditor

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
- Indian proverb

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.
- Irish Proverb

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.
- Jane Wagner/Lily Tomlin

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
- Japanese proverb

There was a small misprint in our article from last month, The Black Hole: An Inexpensive Vacuum Cleaner. Where the article read Place the vacuum hose just inside the Swartzchild Radius please substitute Place the vacuum hose just outside the Swartzchild Radius. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
- Journal of Irreproducible Results

Trouble rather the tiger in his lair than the sage amongst his books. For to you Kingdoms and their armies are things mighty and enduring, but to him they are but toys of the moment, to be overturned by the flicking of a finger.
- LESSONS: Anonymous

He gives twice who gives quickly.
- Latin proverb

For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
- Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)

In one celebrated incident, 300 members of Church of the New Song requested $6000 worth of filet mignon and Harvey’s Bristol Cream for a crucial religious ceremony at the federal prison in Atlanta.
- Legal Times, 2/15/93

The report that important decisions in the White House were based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results could undermine faith in astrology.
- Letter to the Editor, "New York Times", 1988

Sometimes we talk to ourselves because we are the only ones who will listen
- Longshot

A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought.
- Lord Peter Wimsey (Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night")

You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again.
- MIT Phone System

One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
- Mac System 7.0b1 error message

There comes a time in the history of any project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and begin production.
- MacUser, November 1990

It’s Fabulous! We haven’t seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
- Macy’s

Every once in a while a film comes along. This is such a film.
- Mad Magazine

Options to reboot are: -n Avoids the sync. It can be used if a disk or the processor is on fire.
- Man page for reboot(8)

BUGS: This manual page is still confusing
- Man page for sigvec(2), BSD 4.3

Things are not always as they seem.
- Mandrake the Magician

In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose one’s head.
- Marie Antoinette

Everything that exists exists in some degree, and if it exists in some degree then it ough to be measured.
- Mathematicians’ Bill of Rights

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
- Mickey Mouse

When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you.
- Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User’s Guide, p.35:

We use an amalgam of mercury in modern dentistry because other metals, by themselves, are not sufficiently malleable to be worked with at the normal temperatures inside the human mouth. But mercury - mercury is just walkin’ around, right?!?
- Mike the Dentist

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
- Mister Boffo

Listen, strange women, lyin’ in ponds, distributin’ swords, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives itself from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
- Monty Python

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.

Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
- My Favorite Year

They didn’t call him Erik Bloodaxe because he was good with children.
- National Geographic, May 2000

Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
- National Lampoon, Deteriorada

Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back.
- National Lampoon, Deteriorada

Books. What are they good for? They catch dust, make teenagers moody, and, like the man says, cost too much.
- National Public Radio News

Moscow reportedly has been "closed" for the Olympics. Access to the city is restricted, tens of thousands of police patrol the streets, and authorities are struggling to prevent what they term "ideological pollution." Residents are unable to detect any difference in Moscow life.
- National Review

Real concurrency---in which one program actually continues to function while you call up and use another---is more amazing but of small use to the average person. How many programs do you have that take more than a few seconds to perform any task?
- New York Times, 4/25/89

A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

Finding out what goes on in the CIA is like performing acupuncture on a rock.
- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
- New York Times, November 26, 1991

50% of this country’s schoolchildren have IQ’s below average. Under our education policy, we can turn that around!
- New Zealand National Party candidate’s campaign statement

By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials (out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve but appeared abruptly.
- Newsweek

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I’m wearing Milkbone underware.
- Norm from Cheers

O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains!
- Othello

It’s is not, it isn’t ain’t, and it’s it’s, not its, if you mean it is. If you don’t, it’s its. Then too, it’s hers. It isn’t her’s. It isn’t our’s either. It’s ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

Thank you for calling PIXAR! If you have a touch tone phone, you can get information or reach anybody here easily! If your VCR at home is still blinking ’12:00’, press ’0’ at any time during this message and an operator will assist you.
- PIXAR’S toll-free line (1-800-888-9856)

Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
- Peanuts

Let our recreations be innocent and pursued with moderation: and never let us suffer irregular indulgences to expose our character to derision and contempt.
- Pennsylvania Freemasonry

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not, is a fool ... shun him. 
He who knows not and knows that he knows not, is ignorant ... teach him. 
He who knows and knows not that he knows, is asleep ... wake him. 
He who knows and knows that he knows, is a wise man ... follow him.
- Persian proverb

It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings...
- Playboy, January 1983

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Three things only do slaves require, food, work, and their gods, and of the three their gods must never be touched- else they grow restless.
- Precepts for Ruling

Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
- Professor W.

The rest of this document assumes that senior management has already stopped reading.
- RFC 2795

They only have two rules in the whole school: One, you’re not allowed to carry a gun, and two, you’re not allowed to walk on the roof.
- Reed College rugby coach

Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep’s testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him...
- Ripping Yarns

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.
- Rolling Stone’s ’88 Year in Review

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

Eternal peace lasts only until the next war.
- Russian Proverb

Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
- Russian Proverb

The church is near but the road is icy, the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
- Russian Proverb

v Pravde nyet Izvestii, b Izvestie nyet Pravdy (In Truth there is no News, in News no Truth)
- Russian Saying

All military type firearms are to be handed in immediately... The SS, SA and Stahlhelm give every respectable German man the opportunity of campaigning with them. Therefore anyone who does not belong to one of the above named organisations and who unjustifiably nevertheless keeps his weapon... must be regarded as an enemy of the national government.
- SA Oberfuhrer of Bad Tolz, March, 1933.

All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
- Saint Patrick

If I ask a woman if she has suffered sexual harassment, could this be considered sexual harassment?"
- Sally Forth, Jan. 28, 1991

If you were as innocent as you pretend to be, we’d never get anywhere.
- Sam Spade

What did you do to the cat? It looks half-dead.
- Schroedinger’s wife

Schooling serves to reduce the risk of being eaten.
- Scientific American, June, 1982

I am never less at leisure than when at leisure, nor less alone than when I am alone.
- Scipio Africanus

People often talk of my drinking, but they never speak of my thirst.
- Scottish proverb

We admire people for reasons; we love them without reasons.
- Scottish proverb

He passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed. 
I thought he was hanged? 
That’s what I said, isn’t it?
- Seen in the signature of Paul Tomblin, unattributed

Be humble for you are made of dung. Be noble for you are made of stars.
- Serbian proverb

Revenge is a dish which people of taste serve cold.
- Sicilian Proverb

To prevent having to tell fools to RTFM don’t let on that you WTFM in the first place.
- Sign in ITC’s Swamp

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.
- Snoopy

Love is strong as death. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would be utterly contemned.
- Solomon’s Song VIII, 6,7

I’d rather be a survivor at Carnegie Mellon than a hero at Pitt
- Someone’s .sig file

He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
- South African Saying

He who marries a widow will often have a dead man’s head thrown in his dish.
- Spanish proverb

It is sometimes said that error ’crept’ into the trial of a lawsuit. Not so in the case at bar. It marched in like an army with banners, and trumpets. It was escorted, and emphasized, and aggravated by the attorney for the state.
- State v. Tolson, 248 Iowa 733, 734, 82 N.W.2d 105, 106 (1957).

This is the most unprofessional production I’ve ever worked on! Nobody knows where they’re going, or what they’re doing, except, of course, for *ME*
- Steve, "The Wizard of Speed and Time"

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using alrge amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
- System V.2 Administrator’s Guide

Shut her down, Clancy, she’s pumping mud
- Texas Instruments DX10 OS kernel panic message

The truth of the matter is that window management under X is not yet well understood.
- The "Xlib Programming Manual"

[In their report on _Life of Brian_]: Monty Python’s usual schoolboy humour is here let loose on a period of history appropriately familiar to every schoolboy in the West, and a faith which could be shaken by such good-humoured ribaldry would be a very precarious faith indeed.
- The British Board Of Film Censors

While pets drinking Coca-Cola usually make for an appealing picture, we have always thought it a sound policy to depict our product being consumed by human beings.
- The Coca-Cola Company

It will be of little avail to the people that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessane changes that no man who knows what the law is today can guess what it will be tomorrow.
- The Federalist, No. 62

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else’s. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks.
- The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings

There is no law against composing music when one has no ideas whatsoever. The music of Wagner, therefore, is perfectly legal
- The National, Paris, 1850

But that’s what being an artist _is_ -- feeling crummy before everyone else feels crummy.
- The New Yorker

What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives travelling twice as fast as stagecoaches?
- The Quarterly Review (England), March 1825

A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.
- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII

What’s the difference between the window manager and the computer club window manager? Well, one’s supported software and the other isn’t. Your guess is as good as mine.
- The UCC Crowd

Political economy: two words that should be divorced on grounds of incompatibility.
- The Wall Street Journal

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
- The Wall Street Journal

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

President Thieu says he’ll quit if he doesn’t get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that’s not called quitting.
- The Washington Post

I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
- The Wizard of Oz

This calls for a very special plan of psychology and extreme violence
- The Young Ones

Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence
- Time Bandits

May your fondest wish be granted.
- Traditional Chinese Curse

If the jury feels the law is unjust, we recognize the undisputed power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is contrary to the law as given by a judge, and contrary to the evidence ... and the courts must abide by that decision.
- US v Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, 1969, 417 F.2d at 1006

As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.

"After two years of trying, scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no task is repugnant to a true scientist.
- Unidentified Scientist

Reagan doesn’t have the presidential look
- United Artists executive dismissing the suggestion that Ronald Reagan be offered the starring role in the movie _The Best Man_, 1964

Now that we have all this useful information, it would be nice to do something with it. (Actually, it can be emotionally fulfilling just to get the information. This is usually only true, however, if you have the social life of a kumquat.)
- Unix Programmer’s Manual

Every culture has its distinctive and normal system of government. Yours is democracy, moderated by corruption. Ours is totalitarianism, moderated by assassination.
- Unknown Russian

No trees were destroyed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
- Unknown

"Master, why is the letter ’i’ the symbol for current?" "Because there is no letter ’i’ in the word ’current’." "Master, why do we use the letter ’j’ for sqrt(-1)?" "Because we use the letter ’i’ for current." Whereupon the Master struck the Disciple, and the Disciple became enlightened.
- Unknown

/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
- Unknown

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
- Unknown

A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Unknown

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Unknown

A feature is a bug with seniority.
- Unknown

A layman knows he has to kick it. 
An amateur knows where to kick it. 
A professional knows how hard.
- Unknown

A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right thing.
- Unknown

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
- Unknown

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
- Unknown

A sword is a pen that writes in red ink...
- Unknown

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
- Unknown

America - where each individual is free to worship the religion of his/her parents’ choice.
- Unknown

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.
- Unknown

An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
- Unknown

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it’s better than no government at all.
- Unknown

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
- Unknown

Any new venture goes through the following stages: enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocent, and decoration of those who did nothing.
- Unknown

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
- Unknown

Anything’s possible, but only a few things actually happen.
- Unknown

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
- Unknown

Bus error - passengers dumped
- Unknown

CS is about lofty design goals and algorithmic optimization. Sysadmining is about cleaning up the fscking mess that results.
- Unknown

Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked, "What wine goes best with an M-16?" The guy who answered did his best to be helpful: "That depends. What are you smoking?"
- Unknown

Cameramen on strike, Slides at 11
- Unknown

Chemistry is Physics without thought; Math is Physics without purpose.
- Unknown

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
- Unknown

Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you’re doing.
- Unknown

Discretely quantized, (adj): covertly flown on an Australian airline
- Unknown

Do not adjust your mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning.
- Unknown

Drag...Force which opposes forward motion of aircraft when pilot forgets to untie tiedown.
- Unknown

FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by scientists with real problems.
- Unknown

For non-deterministic read "Inhabited by pixies."
- Unknown

Good, fast, cheap: choose any two.
- Unknown

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
- Unknown

Heisenberg might have been here.
- Unknown

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
- Unknown

I didn’t think he could live down to his reputation, but he did.
- Unknown

I don’t know if I am going to heaven or hell, I just hope God grades on a curve
- Unknown

I don’t see the point of lecturers talking, except to resolve some of the ambiguities in their handwriting.
- Unknown

I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!
- Unknown

I have had no problems with DOS either, I use UNIX.
- Unknown

I know you’re supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several days have attacked me at once.
- Unknown

I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate manner.
- Unknown

I’m paranoid... I tried to join Paranoids Anonymous. They wouldn’t let me know where the meetings were.
- Unknown

If 99% is good enough, then gravity will not work for 14 mins every day.
- Unknown

If brute force doesn’t work, you aren’t using enough
- Unknown

If it’s on the plate it’s food, if it moves off the plate, kill it and put it back on the plate.
- Unknown

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
- Unknown

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
- Unknown

In the beginning there was nothing, then God said " Let there be light". And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better
- Unknown

In the immortal words of the captain of the Titantic, ’Where did all this fucking ice come from?’
- Unknown

It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
- Unknown

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
- Unknown

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. 
Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. 
C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.
- Unknown

Live now. There’ll be plenty of time to be dead later.
- Unknown

Mahatma Gandi was what wives wish their husbands were: thin, tan and moral.
- Unknown

Management’s biggest problem is all the unemployed people on the payroll.
- Unknown

Not looking like Pascal is not a language deficiency!
- Unknown

Now, there are two ways to apprach a subject that frightens you and makes you feel stupid: you can embrace it with humility and an open mind, or you can ridicule it mercilessly. I’m still deciding which I prefer.
- Unknown

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Unknown

On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment - halftime.
- Unknown

Only the truly incompetent never fail to disappoint.
- Unknown

Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible
- Unknown

People who are incapable of making decisions are the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits.
- Unknown

Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.
- Unknown

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.
- Unknown

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
- Unknown

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? 
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
- Unknown

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
- Unknown

Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
- Unknown

Somebody’s had too much to think
- Unknown

Sometimes I go off into my own little world, but it’s okay: they know me there.
- Unknown

Standards are industry’s way of codifying obsolescence.
- Unknown

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
- Unknown

Suitably interpreted, this is an exact value.
- Unknown

Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
- Unknown

Thank you for flying U.S.A.F. We hope that you will consider us again when your travel plans next include bombing Tripoli.
- Unknown

The NeXT: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a Workstation, the unit sales make it a Mainframe.
- Unknown

The Wright Bothers weren’t the first to fly. They were just the first not to crash.
- Unknown

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
- Unknown

The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home. Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you crank it up.
- Unknown

The modern computer is capable of answering, in a matter of seconds, mathematical questions that would take millions of years for a human being to answer (even longer if he stopped for lunch). How does the computer do this? Simple. It makes everything up. It knows full well you’re not going to waste millions of years checking up on it. So you should never use computers for anything really important, such as balancing your personal checkbook. But they’re fine for corporate use.
- Unknown

The next time someone starts quoting statistics at you, just remind them that 78% of people who quote statistics make them up.
- Unknown

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Unknown

The revolution will not be televised.
- Unknown

The three main weapons of UN*X are fear, surprise, and ruthless lawyers.
- Unknown

Theoretical physicist---a physicist whose existence is postulated, to make the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in the laboratory.
- Unknown

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
- Unknown

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
- Unknown

Tighten it until it strips, then back off a quarter turn...
- Unknown

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
- Unknown

We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you!
- Unknown

We have captured lightning and used it to teach sand how to think.
- Unknown

What is the definition of a tachyon? It’s a gluon that’s not completely dry.
- Unknown

What’s the matter, cat+ got your password?
- Unknown

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
- Unknown

When looking into the face of impending doom, smile. If you have to die, go out with a grin. The Devil cannot abide to be mocked!
- Unknown

You can hardly underestimate the importance of this.
- Unknown

You know you’ve landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
- Unknown

You should emulate your heroes, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they’re dead.
- Unknown

Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest in the world. Now, its the second largest army in Iraq.
- Wall Street Journal, 15 March 1991

New Year’s Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
- Webster’s Unafraid Dictionary

Relative calm is expected in South Central Los Angeles for the next several weeks, as looters stay home and try to program their new VCRs.
- Weekend Update

This ’telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

...make -k all to compile everything in the core distribution. This will take anywhere from 15 minutes (on a Cray Y-MP) to 12 hours.
- X Window System Release Notes

Tell the truth and run.
- Yugoslav proverb

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This page is maintained by Tom Strong <tomstrong@gmail.com>. If you find an error or omission on these pages, I would appreciate an update or correction.

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