\begindata{text, 268678464}
\textdsversion{12}
\template{default}
			\majorheading{\flushleft{Teach Yourself Surgery

}}
		      Introduced by A Famous Surgeon


I am a famous surgeon.  I am more famous than the night-nurse, and much

more famous that the silly old anaesthetist, and I am far, far more famous

than any hospital orderly or even a ward sister.  I am more famous than

most junior house doctors, and what's more, more famous than Matron or the

Registrar, in his silly little office.  In hospital terms I am, thus, very

famous indeed.  When compared to Stan the Batt I am also famous, and I am

also famouser the R. Wilkes.  I am probably now more famous than Lita Roza

ever was, and, in terms of fame, I probably have the edge on Connie Francis

as well.  The Lesley Gore revival a year ago made her momentarily more

faous than me, but now I am on equal terms of fame with her and Eve Boswell

- and who's ever heard of Annette Funicello since 'Tall Paul?'  In fame

terms, compared to me, Annette Funicello rates about as high as a small

hedge to a big tree.  I doubt, myself, whether Annette Funicello would be

famous as our anaesthetist, but this is only my own personal view.  Now

take Brenda Lee...


    Another famous surgeon

    carries on.


I'm sorry about my colleague's endless preoccupation with female vocalists

of the late fifties and sixties both here in Britain and in the United

States.  I prefer Country Music myself, but most of all I enjoy being a

famous surgeon, and I am very pleased to have been asked to introduce this

invaluable article on Teaching Yourself Surgery.  First of all, there are

some basic Do's and Don'ts which the home sugeon must remember:


    DO's


1)  Do remember to tie off the ascending aorta well above the left

ventricle when removing the heart.

2)  Do remember to expose the periorbital fascia using a perforator and

then a burr to make the opening through the orbitas and splenoid plates of

the zygomatic bone.

3)  Do not use a bread knife.


    DON'Ts


1)  Remember to wear a hankie over your face (this should have been in the

DO's) 

2)  Don't try heart-lung transplants if you're going out in the evening.

3)  Don't treat me like a fool.

4)  Don't attempt circumcisions after you've had a few.


     What you will need for home surgery


Table, two chairs, glass of beer, 100W bulb, cotton-wool, forceps, swabs,

waste paper basket, ashtray, sutures, long white coat (cricket flannels

will do), breathing apparatus, sponge, blotting paper, absorbent lint,

towel, old newspapers, greaseproof paper, a sharp knife, flour, 3 lb

potatoes and a record player that takes 78s.


     Instructions


N.B.  It is very, very important that you follow these instructions.  It

      may be your own kitchen table and your own grapefruit knife, but you

      are still dealing with Human Life.


1)  Clear away the tea things.

2)  Make absolutely certain (from the 'Parts Of The Body' Chart) that you

know which bit you're going to work on.

3)  Undress the patient.  (There's nothing rude or dirty about this - 

surgeons do it all the time.)

4)  Put the cat out.

5)  Make the incision.

6)  Oh, anaesthetise the patient . . . sorry.

7)  Do the surgery.

8)  If the cat's come in again - THROW IT OUT!

9)  Stitch the patient up - often Granny or an aunt can be doing this while

you're off having a drink.

10) Clear the table and lay the breakfast.\
\enddata{text,268678464}