MEDICAL LOVE SONG
      from "Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album"

Transcribed circa 1984 by Rich Holmes (rich@suhep.bitnet).  As McCoy would
say, I'm a particle physicist, dammit, not a doctor.  Most of the medical
terms were checked with either a medical dictionary or a slang dictionary
and are probably right.  The ones marked with an asterisk either (1) sound
like what was sung but aren't in any dictionary I could find or (2) in a
dictionary but don't sound like what was sung.  Second opinions welcomed.

            Inflammation of the foreskin
            Reminds me of your smile
            I've had balanital chancroids
            For quite a little while
            I gave my heart to NSU               [Non-Specific Urethritis]
            That lovely night in June
            I ache for you, my darling,
            And I hope you'll get well soon

            My penile warts, your herpes,
            My syphilitic sore,
            Your monilial infection
            How I miss you more and more
            Your *dobies itch my *scrum-pox
            Ah, lovely gonorrhea
            At least we both were lying
            When we said that we were clear

            My clapped-out genitalia
            Is not so bad for me
            As the complete and utter failure
            Every time I try to pee
            I'm dying from your love, my love,
            I'm your spirochetal clown
            I've left my body to science,
            But I'm afraid they've turned it down

            Gonococcal urethritis
            Streptococcal balanitis
            Meningomyelitis
            *Diplococcal *catholitis
            Epidydimitis
            Interstitial keratitis
            Syphilitic coronitis
            And anterior *ureitis.

                                    -- Graham Chapman