there's three versions here... I'll compile them into one correct one soon... no, really... I promise... just as soon as I get to it.. The Opening Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" The film begins. Out of a dense fog trots Arthur, accompanied on two empty coconut halves by his trusty servant, Patsy. They approach a castle. Suddenly a guard appears atop a high rampart. Guard: Halt! Who goes there? Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! Guard: Who's the other one? Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. Guard: What, ridden on a horse? Arthur: Yes. Guard: You're using coconuts! Arthur: What? Guard: You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together! Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Mercia, through... Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts? Arthur: (somewhat taken aback) We found them. Guard: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! Arthur: What do you mean? Guard: This is a temperate zone! Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house maarten or the plummer may seek warmer climes in winter, but these are not strangers to our land! Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate? Arthur: Not at all! They could be carried. Guard: (indcredulous) What, a swallow, carrying a coconut? Arthur: It could grip it by the husk! Guard: It's not a question of where 'e grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could *not* carry a one-pound coconut! Arthur: (exasperated) Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of Camelot is here! (pause) Guard: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? Arthur: Please! Guard: (patiently) Am I right. Arthur: I'm not interested! ( A second guard appears on the rampart. ) G2: It could be carried by an African swallow! G1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point. G2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. Arthur: (extremely exasperated) Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot!! (pause) G1: But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory. G2: Oh yeah... (Arthur and Patsy give up and trot away) G1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. G2: Wait a minute! Supposing *two* swallows carried it together! G1: Nooo..... They'd have to have it on a line... G2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! G1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? G2: Well, why not? \majorheading{The Peasant Scene } Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" into a field where peasants are working. They come up behind a cart which is being dragged by a hunched-over peasant in ragged clothing. Patsy slows as they near the cart. Arthur: Old Woman! The peasant turns around, revealing that he is in fact a man. Man: Man! Arthur: Man, sorry.... What knight lives in that castle over there? Man: I'm thirty-seven! Arthur: (suprised) What? Man: I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old-- Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man"... Man: Well you could say "Dennis"-- Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis! Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?! Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind, you looked-- Man: Well I object to your...you automatically treat me like an inferior! Arthur: Well I *am* king... Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And 'ow'd you get that, eh? (he reaches his destination and stops, dropping the cart) By exploiting the workers! By 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress,-- Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere! (noticing Arthur) Oh! 'Ow'd'ja do? Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that? Woman: King of the 'oo? Arthur: King of the Britons. Woman: 'Oo are the Britons? Arthur: Well we all are! We are all Britons! And I am your king. Woman: I didn't know we 'ad a king! I thought we were autonomous collective. Man: (mad) You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- Woman: There you go, bringing class into it again... Man: That's what it's all about! If only people would-- Arthur: Please, *please*, good people, I am in haste! WHO lives in that castle? Woman: No one lives there. Arthur: Then who is your lord? Woman: We don't have a lord! Arthur: (spurised) What?? Man: I *told* you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We're taking turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week-- Arthur: (uninterested) Yes... Man: But all the decisions *of* that officer 'ave to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting-- Arthur: (perturbed) Yes I see! Man: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs-- Arthur: (mad) Be quiet! Man: But by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major-- Arthur: (very angry) BE QUIET! I *order* you to be quiet! Woman: "Order", eh, 'oo does 'e think 'e is? Arthur: I am your king! Woman: Well I didn't vote for you! Arthur: You don't vote for kings! Woman: Well 'ow'd you become king then? (holy music up) Arthur: The Lady of the Lake -- her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king! Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some... farcical aquatic ceremony! Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET! Man: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!! Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut *UP*! Man: I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP! Man: Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Arthur: SHUT UP! Man: (yelling to all the other workers) Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED! Arthur: (letting go and walking away) Bloody PEASANT! Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did'j'hear that, did'j'hear that, eh? That's what I'm all about! Did you see 'im repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?! \majorheading{Bring Out Your Dead } A cart passes through the muddy road through a village. A baby cries. People wrestle in the mud. A woman beats a cat. The cart-master chants wearily as they trudge along: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! etc. while beating occasionally on a large triangle with a wooden spoon. As each person comes forward with his or her dead relative, they throw them on the cart. He holds out his hand and they pay. Bring out your dead! A man comes out with a dead-looking old man in a nightshirst slung over his shoulder. He starts to put the old man on the cart. Man: Here's one- Cart-master: Ninepence. Old Man: (feebly) I'm not dead! Cart-master: (suprised) What? Man: Nothing! Here's your ninepence.... Old Man: I'm not dead! Cart-master: 'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead! Man: Yes he is. Old Man: I'm not! Cart-master: 'E isn't? Man: Well... he will be soon-- he's very ill... Old Man: I'm getting better! Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. Cart-master: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulations! Old Man: I don't want to go on the cart.... Man: Oh, don't be such a baby. Cart-master: I can't take 'im.... Old Man: I feel fine! Man: Well, do us a favor... Cart-master: I can't! Man: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long... Cart-master: No, gotta get to Robinson's by nine today.... Man: Well, when's your next round? Cart-master: Thursday. Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk.... Man: You're not fooling anyone, you know-- (to Cart-master) Look, isn't there something you can do...? (they both look around) Old Man: I feel happy! I feel happy! (the Cart-master deals the old man a swift blow to the head with his wooden spoon. The old man goes limp.) Man: (throwing the old man onto the cart) Ah. thanks very much. Cart-master: Not at all. See you on Thursday! Man: Right! All right.... King Arthur and his trusty servant, Patsy, "ride" through the town and past the men. Man: 'Oo's that then? Cart-master: I don't know. Must be a king. Man: Why Cart-master: 'E 'asn't got shit all over 'im. \majorheading{Witch } Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her? Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! Bedevere: But how do you know she is a witch? Villager: She looks like one! Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!! Bedevere: Bring her forward. (a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one. Witch: THEY dressed me up like this. Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't! Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! (Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.) Bedevere: Well? One Villager: Well, we did do the nose. Bedevere: The nose? Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch! Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! B: Did you dress her up like this? Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... One Villager: yes. Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart... B: What makes you think she is a witch? Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!! (pause) Bedevere: a newt? (long pause) Villager: I got better... Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of telling whether she is a witch! Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us! B: Tell me. What do you do with witches? V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!! B: And what do you burn apart from witches? Villager: More Witches! Other Villager: Wood. B: So. Why do witches burn? (long silence) (shuffling of feet by the villagers) Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood? B: Goooood! Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh.... B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood? One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er! B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone? Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm... B: Does wood sink in water? One Villager: No! No, no, it floats! Other Villager: Throw her into the pond! Villagers: yaaaaaa! (when order is restored) B: What also floats in water? Villager: Bread! Another Villager: Apples! Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks! Another Villager: Cider! Another Villager: Uh...great gravy! Another Villager: Cherries! Another Villager: Mud! Another Villager: Churches! Churches! Another Villager: Lead! Lead! King Arthur: A Duck! Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh! B: exactly! B: (to a villager) So, logically... Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. B: and therefore... (pause) Villager: A Witch! All Villagers: A WITCH! \majorheading{The Black Knight Scene} Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in red and one in black. They stop and watch the fight. The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the red knight is charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the red knight's helmet. The red knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Patsy and they "ride" forward. Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. (The black knight does not respond) Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons. (no response) Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court at Camelot. (no response) Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? (no response) Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy! As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks: Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: (taken aback) What? Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE. Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside. Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN. Arthur: So be it! (draws sword A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight's left arm off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open shoulder. Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch. Arthur: A SCRATCH? You're arm's off! Black Knight: No it isn't! Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground) Black Knight: I've had worse. Arthur: You LIAR! Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts off the black knight's right arm, causing it and the black knight's sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump. Arthur: Victory is mine! (kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy-- He is kicked onto his side by the black knight. Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again) Arthur: (on the ground) What?!? Black Knight: (kicking him again) How 'bout you? Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh? Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! Black Knight: Yes I have! Arthur: LOOK!!! Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again) Arthur: Look, STOP that! Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!! Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg! (The Black Knight continues his kicking) Arthur: RIGHT! Whops off the black knight's leg with his sword) Black Knight: Right! I'll do you for that! Arthur: You'll *WHAT*? Black Knight: Come 'ere! Arthur: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me? Black Knight: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!! Arthur: You're a looney.... Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! How about you? (hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining leg) (Arthur proceeds to remove the Black Knight's remaining leg) (The Black Knight falls to the ground and twists furiously at Arthur) Black Knight: Okay, we'll call it a draw. Arthur: Come, Pasty! (they "ride" away) Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! I'll bite your kneecaps off!!! \majorheading{CAMELOT} We're Knights of the Round Table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We're Knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot (Xylophone FX on knight's heads) In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable Between our quests We sequin our vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy like in Camelot Solo: I have to push the pram a lot... (No, on second thought let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place...) \majorheading{** The Tale of Sir Robin. **} So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. Minstrel: song: Bravely bold Sir Robin Brought forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, Oh, brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his peni-- Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's getting work afoot. Three headed knight: HALT!!! Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his tactics! Minstrel: Robin: Brave Sir Robin ran away. No! Bravely ran away away.... I didn't! When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled No!! Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't! And gallantly chickened out.. Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did! Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies! Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never! \majorheading{The Knights of Ni } Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Arthur: Who are you? Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"! Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"! Knight of Ni: The same. Other Knight of Ni: Who are we? Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm! Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm! Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice! Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No! Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us. Arthur: Well what is it you want? Knight of Ni: We want..... (pregnant pause) A SHRUBBERY!!!! (minor music) Arthur: A WHAT? Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni! Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never pass through this wood... alive. Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: One that looks nice. Arthur: Of course! Knight of Ni: And not too expensive. Arthur; Yes! Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO! (music) Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.... Arthur: What is that? Knight of Ni: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say "Ni"! Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh! Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky- z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm". Other Knight of Ni: Ni! Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test. Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of..... Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"? Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find.... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!! (minor music) Arthur: Oh not another shrubbery!! Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher, so we get a two level effect with a little path running down the middle. Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni! Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING! \majorheading{THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT } As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway. Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. The King and his son the Prince. King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be yours. Son: What, the curtains? King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out over the 'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom, lad. Son: But, Mother... King: Father, lad, Father. Son: But, Father, I don't want any of that. King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was *daft* to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That sank into the swamp. So I built a *third* one. That burned down, fell over, *then* sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the *strongest* castle in these islands. Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather... King: Rather what? Son: I'd rather...just...sing!...... King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here! Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England. Son: But I don't want land! King: Listen, Alex... Son: 'Erbert... King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!! Son: But... but I don't *like* 'er! King: don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful, she's... *rich*, she's got... HUGE............. tracts o' land... Son: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain...*special*...something... King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! GUARDS!!! Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. Guard 1: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Nono.... *Until* I come and get him. Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. King: Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave. Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Right. Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the room. King: Nono. *Leaving* the room. Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. King: All right? Guard 1: 'Right. King: Right. Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we...... King: Yes, what is it? Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh.... King: Look, it's quite simple. Guard 1: Uh..... King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us? King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure... Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had* to leave, and we *were* with him... King: nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else... King: No, not anyone else, just me... Guard 1: ...Just you... Guard 2: *hic* King: Get back. Guard 1: Get back. King: All right? Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. Guard 2: *hic* King: And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave. Guard 1: What? King: Make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: The prince?????? King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE... Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when 'e's a guard... King: Is that clear? Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems! Guard 2: *hic* King: Right. Where are *you* going? Guard 1: We're coming with you! King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE! Guard 1: Oh, I see, right! Son: but father... King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on. AND NO SINGING! Guard 2: *hic* King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves) The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. Guard 2: *Hic* Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, behind Concorde, who is banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. Launcelot: Ho! Well taken, Concorde! Steady there, boy! Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir. (he falls) Launcelot: Concorde!! (spying the arrow) A note! "To whomever finds this note. Help. I am being held prisoner by my father who wishes me to marry *against my will*!! Please please please please rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle." A quest! A damsel in distress! Oh, Concorde, noble Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! Concorde: I'm not quite dead yet, sir! Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been...mortally wounded in vain! Concorde: I think I could pull through, sir. Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Concorde, maybe you'd better stay here and rest a bit, eh? Concorde: Oh, I think I could come with you, sir... Launcelot: No, no, Concorde, brave soul, you shall stay here, and I...I shall undertake a perilous quest to win freedom for a maiden and eternal fame for myself. Farewell, Concorde!! Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs them both through. They die, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door. Guard 1: Hello! Urggh. Guard 2: *Hic* Launcelot: Milady, here kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Son: You got my note! Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note...let's not jump to conclusions... Son: I *knew* some one would read it and rescue me! I've got a rope all ready! Let's climb down! King: What's all this!?! Are you the one who killed all my guests? Son: He's come to rescue me! King: Shut your noise, you. Well, what about it? Launcelot: Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit... carried away with the moment... King: Carried away?!? Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest! Now what sort of behavior is that??? Who are you, anyway? Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I-- King: King Arthur?? King-of-England Arthur? And you're one of his Knights of the Round Table? Son: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot! Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss... King: Fuss? Nonsense!! Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored guest, please! (quietly) Lots of land up by Camelot, eh? Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people...and kicking the bride... Son: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! King: Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just come downstairs with me, will you? I want to introduce you to everyone. Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much... King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot.... Son: (from outside) Are you coming, Sir Launcelot? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (thump) King: (liltingly) Coming, Sir Launcelot... Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There he is!" and, "He's the one!" and, "Get him!" Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again. King: Oh, bloody hell. Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech. King: Ladies and gentlemen. This man whom you see beside me is my own honored friend, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. He has come all this way just to see my son married to Princess Lucky. Unfortunately, my son Herbert has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower. (gasps) But, I like to think of myself, not as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter. For, since the father of the bride perished in most untimely circumstances.... Voice: He's not quite dead yet.... King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be considered dead... Voice: I think he's coming 'round! King: Since her father, who, when it seemed he was just on the verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (thump) Voice: He's kicked off! King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad. In the firm and legally binding sense. And, as this is meant to be a wedding day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my family, and give him the hand of my new daughter in earnest token of my esteem for him and his title. Launcelot: Well, really, I must be going, I don't think-- King: Going? Nonsense! Why, how could you leave me at a time like this, so recently bereft of my only son? Concorde: He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction) King: Oh, bloody hell. Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower? Son: Well, I'll tell you... King: No! Wait! Stop that! Guests: He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way. Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more... Concorde: Dramatic, sir? Launcelot: Dramatic! Right! This bell pull will do... Launcelot: Err...could someone give me a push? \majorheading{Blessing From the Lord } Bedevere: And that, my leige, is how we know the earth to be of a banana shaped. Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again, how sheep's bladders can be employed to prevent earthquakes. Bedevere: Oh, certainly, Sir. You see,... (Thunder) (the clouds open and a giant animated face is seen. It speaks:) God: Aaaarthur... Aarthur, King of the Britons... (the knights fall to their knees) God: Oh don't grovel! Arthur: Sorry, Lord... God: And DON'T apologize!! Every time I try to talk to somebody, its "I'm sorry" this and "forgive me" that and "I'm not worthy"... It's like those miserable Psalms--they're soooo depressing! Arthur: Yes, Lord. God: What're you doing now? Arthur: Averting my eyes, o Lord. God: Well KNOCK IT OFF! Arthur: Yes, Lord. God: Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, I have decided to set you a task as an example in these dark times. Arthur: Good idear, o Lord! God: (thunder) 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Now: this is the Holy Grail. (giant picture of a golden, jewel-encrusted grail appears in the sky) (heavenly music) Look well, Arthur: It is your mission to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur: The Quest for the Holy Grail! (the clouds slam shut.) Arthur: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord! Lancelot: God be praised! \majorheading{The French Castle } King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants, "ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn. Arthur: HELLO! (waits) Bedevere: HELLO! (waits) An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart. It speaks in an outrageous French accent. Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it? Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard. A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see? A: What? Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one! A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one? S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs. (to the other soldiers:) I told 'em we've already *got* one! (they snicker) A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look? S: Of course not! You are English types. A: Well, what are you then? S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly king?! A: What are you doing in *England*? S: Mind your own business! A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!! (the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his tongue at the knights, making strange noises.) Lancelot: What a strange person. A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma-- S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to? S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time! \majorheading{The Bridge of Death } King Arthur: Now, we are about to attempt to cross...the Bridge of Death! The gate-keeper of the Bridge will ask any who attempt to cross five questions-- Sir Bedevere: Three, sire. Arthur: (pause) Oh, yes, three. He who successfully answers these five questions-- Bedevere: Three, sire! Arthur: (slightly longer pause) Ah, three, then...er, may pass in safety. However, anyone who fails to correctly answer all five questions-- Bedevere: THREE, sire! Arthur: I KNOW IT'S BLOODY THR--ahem, yes, of course, three. (black look at Bedevere)...will be cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!!! (dramatic music) Arthur: (continuing) Sir Robin, why don't you go? Sir Robin: Er...I've got an idea! Why doesn't Sir Lancelot go? Sir Lancelot: Yes, I'll take him, sire. (about to draw sword) I'll make a feint to the North-East, and then-- Arthur: No, no, just answer the questions, Sir Lancelot. Lancelot: But I'd really like a feint to the North-East, sire... Arthur: No, Sir Lancelot. We'll all be right behind you, listening... Lancelot: (sheathing sword) I...understand, sire. Arthur: Our prayers go with you, Sir Lancelot. (Lancelot approaches the bridge. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the BRIDGEKEEPER appears.) Bedevere: (whispering) It's the old man from Scene 24!! Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Lancelot: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Lancelot: Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color? Lancelot: Blue. Bridgekeeper: Right, off you go. Lancelot: (realizing that was it) Oh! Well, thank you. Thank you very much. (and off he goes. The knights look at each other.) Robin: That's EASY!!! (A mad rush for the bridge. Robin arrives first. The knights cluster behind. A few sniff and wrinkle their noses, and the group backs off.) Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Robin: (excitedly) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Robin: Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What...is you quest? Robin: I seek the Grail! Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria? Robin: (indignant) I don't know THAT!! (An unseen force whisks him up and over the side.) AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!!!! (The knights pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than all that.) *** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. *** Bedevere: What shall we do, sire? Arthur: Well, I'm not sure, but... Bridgekeeper: (off) What...goes black, white, black, white, black, white? Sir Gawain: (off) Uh...er...ah...Babylon? AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! *** Movie resumes. *** Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Sir Galahad: (swallowing) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper...I am not a- fraid... Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Galahad: (nervous) Sir Galahad... Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Galahad: (really nervous) To seek the Grail... Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color? Galahad: (relieved) Blue! (starts across; oops) NO! YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!! (Arthur steps forward) Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Arthur: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Arthur: King Arthur of the Britons! Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Arthur: I seek the Holy Grail! Bridgekeeper: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Arthur: (brief pause) What do you mean, an African or a European swallow? Bridgekeeper: (confused) Well...I don't know...AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Bedevere: (crossing behind Arthur) How do you know so much about swallows, sire? Arthur: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king, you know... *** Note: The following bit was *also* cut from the movie. *** (Arthur and Bedevere approach a gigantic lake. A boat in the shape of a dragon glides slowly towards them. As they prepare to cross, the same old man suddenly appears before them.) Boat-keeper: STOP! He who would cross the Sea of Fate Must answer me these questions twenty-eight! (Arthur and Bedevere look at each other. They look at the old man. They look back at each other. They pick the old man up, throw him in the water, and board the ship.) \center{\bigger{\bigger{\bigger{\bigger{\bigger{ \ The Holy Hand Grenade}}}}} }\center{ from Monty Python's Holy Grail } The knights rush into a cave, huffing and puffing, to take cover from the vicious onslaught of the Killer Rabbit. Arthur: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!! Bedevere: Okay, how many did we lose? Arthur: Well...Gawain...Ector...and Bors. That's five. Bedevere: Three, Sire! Arthur: Three. And we can't risk another try, that rabbit's dynamite! All: Hmmmm.. Robin: Maybe if we attack it, it will get confused, and make a mistake! (pause) Arthur: Like what? (longer pause) Robin: Ummmm.... Lancelot: Have we got birds? Arthur: (quickly) No. Galahad: (brightly) We *have* the Holy Hand Grenade, Sir! Arthur: Of course! 'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade! Monks: (Chant) Die Jesu domine, Dona eis requiem. Die Jesu domine, Dona eis requiem. (Pause. Arthur examines the hand grenade, turning it over in his hands.) Arthur: How does it....How does it work? High Priest: I know not, my leige. Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments! High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: Brother Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima bean- High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. Brother Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. All: Amen. Arthur: Right! (pulls pin) One! Two! Five! Bedevere: Three, Sire!! Arthur: Three! (throws hand grenade at the Killer Rabbit) (holy music) KABOOM. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- the strictly unofficial script of the movie, done in a fit of boredom by [AHH 01Jan87] -- touched up again by [AHH 25Jan89] (How time flies) The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]): KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman PATSY : Terry Gilliam GUARD #1 : Michael Palin GUARD #2 : John Cleese MORTICIAN : Eric Idle CUSTOMER : John Cleese DEAD PERSON : ??? DENNIS : Michael Palin WOMAN : Terry Jones BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese (?) VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones WITCH : ??? VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese NARRATOR: Michael Palin SIR LAUNCELOT : John Cleese SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle GOD : ??? FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese MINSTREL : ??? LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin FATHER : Michael Palin PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones GUARD #1 : Eric Idle GUARD #2 : ??? CONCORDE : Eric Idle OLD CRONE : ??? ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin Scene 1 [wind] [clop clop] ARTHUR: Whoa there! [clop clop] GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! GUARD #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? ARTHUR: We found them. GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory? ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! GUARD #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop] GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? GUARD #2: Well, why not? Scene 2 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! MORTICIAN: He isn't. CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: I can't take him... DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... MORTICIAN: I can't. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER: Right. [clop clop] MORTICIAN: Who's that then? CUSTOMER: I don't know. MORTICIAN: Must be a king. CUSTOMER: Why? MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. Scene 3 [clop clop] ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN: King of the who? ARTHUR: The Britons. WOMAN: Who are the Britons? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? WOMAN: No one live there. ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? WOMAN: We don't have a lord. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. ARTHUR: Yes. DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. ARTHUR: Yes, I see. DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ARTHUR: I am your king! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? Scene 4 [battle sounds] [Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-shit-knight] ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. ARTHUR: So be it! [hah] [parry thrust] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. ARTHUR: You liar! BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! [hah] [parry thrust] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- [Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying] BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then. ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. ARTHUR: Look! BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. [Headbutts Arthur in the chest] ARTHUR: Look, stop that. BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken! ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop] BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that! ARTHUR: You'll what? BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere! ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! ARTHUR: You're a loony. BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [whop] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off] BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw. ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! Scene 5 CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her? CROWD: Burn her! Burn! BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch? VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. BEDEMIR: Bring her forward. WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one. WITCH: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: No, we didn't -- no. WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. BEDEMIR: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEMIR: The nose? VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her! BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this? CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch? VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. BEDEMIR: A newt? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! CROWD: Burn! Burn her! BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. CROWD: Are there? What are they? BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches? VILLAGER #2: Burn! CROWD: Burn, burn them up! BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches? VILLAGER #1: More witches! VILLAGER #2: Wood! BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn? [pause] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? BEDEMIR: Good! CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1: No, no. VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! CROWD: The pond! BEDEMIR: What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! VILLAGER #1: Cider! VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! VILLAGER #1: Cherries! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! ARTHUR: A duck. CROWD: Oooh. BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically..., VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. BEDEMIR: And therefore--? VILLAGER #1: A witch! CROWD: A witch! BEDEMIR: We shall use my largest scales! [yelling] BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports! [whop] [creak] CROWD: A witch! A witch! WITCH: It's a fair cop. CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling] BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEMIR: My liege! ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored. ARTHUR: What is your name? BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige. ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table. [Narrative Interlude] NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table. Scene 6 BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir. LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege! ARTHUR: Camelot! GALAHAD: Camelot! LAUNCELOT: Camelot! PATSY: It's only a model. ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to Camelot. [singing] We're knights of the round table We dance when e'er we're able We do routines and parlour scenes With footwork impecc-Able. We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot [dancing] We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are for-mid-able Oh many times we're given rhymes That are quite unsing-able We not so fat in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot [tap-dancing] Oh we're tough and able Quite indefatigable Between our quests we [something] And impersonate Clark Gable It's a bit too loud in Camelot I have to push the pram a lot. ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is a silly place. Right. Scene 7 GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. ARTHUR: Sorry-- GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you doing now!? ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off! ARTHUR: Yes, Lord. GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord! GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail. ARTHUR: A blessing! LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord! GALAHAD: God be praised! Scene 8 [clop clop] ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo! GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis? ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this? GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer! ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see? ARTHUR: What? GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one) ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a! ARTHUR: Well, what are you then? GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king! GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? GUARD: Mind your own business! ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt! GALAHAD: What a strange person. ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man! GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a! ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache.) wha? GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache!) [moo!] ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge! ALL: Charge! [mayhem] GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother! [twong] ALL: Run away! GUARD: Thpppt! [ after running away...] LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! ARTHUR: No no, no. BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir. [later] [chop] [rumble rumble squeak] MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do wha? un codoo? a present! oh, un codoo. oui oui hurry! wha-? let's go! [rumble rumble squeak] ARTHUR: What happens now? BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! ARTHUR: Who leaps out? BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh.... ARTHUR: Oh.... BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- [twong] ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [splat] GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw. Scene 9 Pictures for Schools, take 8. DIRECTOR: Action! NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did-- [clop clop] [An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narrator] WOMAN: Greg! Scene 10 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off, And his balls... ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud. ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou? MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through. ALL HEADS: What do you want? MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight. ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not! ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table. ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table? ROBIN: I am. LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you. MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I? RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so. MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think? LEFT HEAD: I think kill him. RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him. MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up. LEFT HEAD: Perhaps- MIDDLE HEAD: And you. LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off! RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off! MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor! LEFT HEAD: What? RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time. MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him. LEFT HEAD: What do you mean? MIDDLE HEAD: You snore. LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath. MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth. RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea. LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. MIDDLE HEAD: Yes. RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits. LEFT HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway. ALL HEADS: Right! LEFT HEAD: He buggered off. RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered. MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away ROBIN: No! MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away ROBIN: I didn't! MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled ROBIN: No! MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about ROBIN: I didn't! MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet ROBIN: I never did! MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat ROBIN: Oh, lie! MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin ROBIN: I never! Scene 11 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad [boom crash] [angels singing] [pound pound pound] GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of King Arthur, open the door! [squeak thump] [squeak boom] ALL: Hello! ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax? ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? ZOOT: The what? GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here? ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper! MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot! ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest. MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you-- ZOOT: Away away vile peasents! The beds here are warm and soft -- and very, very big. GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh-- ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight? GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste. ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come! GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh-- ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing! ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap] PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? GALAHAD: They're doctors?! ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. GALAHAD: B-but-- ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art. PIGLET: Try to relax. GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary? PIGLET: We must examine you. GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that! PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors. GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! PIGLET: Back to your bed! GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! PIGLET: There's no grail here. GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- GIRLS: Hello. GALAHAD: Oh-- VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. GALAHAD: Zoot! DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- DINGO: Where are you going? GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! GALAHAD: What is it? DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail? DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me. DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex. GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer. LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad! GALAHAD: Oh, hello. LAUNCELOT: Quick! GALAHAD: What? LAUNCELOT: Quick! GALAHAD: Why? LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril! GALAHAD: ZOOT: LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress! GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important. LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine! LAUNCELOT: Come on! GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on! GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily! DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily. GIRLS: Yes, yes! GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them! DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. GIRLS: Yes, yes. [boom] DINGO: Oh, shit. [outside] LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril. GALAHAD: I don't think I was. LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous. GALAHAD: Look, [something] as much peril as I can. LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy. GALAHAD: Bet you're gay! LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not. Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- CROWD: Get on with it! NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp! Scene 12 OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there? OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha! Scene 13 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! ARTHUR: Who are you? HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee! ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee! HEAD KNIGHT: The same! BEDEMIR: Who are they? HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pang, and Nee-wom! RANDOM: Nee-wom! ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice! ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: A what? HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive! ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice. ARTHUR: Of course. HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive. ARTHUR: Yes. HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go! Scene 14 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot. FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! ERBERT: What, the curtains? FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad! HERBERT: But, Mother-- FATHER: Father, I'm Father. HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands. HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- FATHER: Rather what?! HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing! FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. HERBERT: But I don't want land. FATHER: Listen, Alice... HERBERT: Herbert. FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. HERBERT: But I don't like her. FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something... FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... FATHER: Yes, what is it? GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1: Uh... FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were-- FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- GUARD #1: Just you. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Get back. GUARD #1: Get back. FATHER: Right? GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: What? FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: The Prince? FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. FATHER: Is that clear? GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. FATHER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going? GUARD #1: We're coming with you. FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. HERBERT: But, Father! FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water. Scene 15 LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde! CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde! [thwonk] CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. [fwump] LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see. CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh) CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? LAUNCELOT: Idiom! CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. Scene 16 LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh! LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. HERBERT: You got my note! LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note. HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see-- HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone... FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? HERBERT: I'm your son! FATHER: No, not you. LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir. HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready! FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. FATHER: I can understand that. HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... LAUNCELOT: Yes. HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. HERBERT: I am ready! [start to leave] LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. [thonk] HERBERT: Oooh! LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. HERBERT: Oooh! [splat] Scene 17 [wailing] FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. RANDOM: There he is! FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please! LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. RANDOM: He's killed the best man! [yelling] FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. LAUNCELOT: Hello. RANDOM: He killed my auntie! [yelling] FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- RANDOM: He's not quite dead! FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- RANDOM: He's getting better! FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,-- [ugh] RANDOM: Oh, he's died! FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. [clapping] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot-- LAUNCELOT: What? RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep! HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. FATHER: How?! HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music] FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! FATHER: Shut up! SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape in my own particular....(sigh) CONCORDE: Dogma, sir? LAUNCELOT: Dogma! Hee! Ha! [crash] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...? Scene 18 [clop clop] ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery! [dramatic chord] CRONE: Who sent you? ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee. CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `nee'. CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee! CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! ARTHUR: Nee! BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo! ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'. BEDEMIR: Noo! ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly. BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee! ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it. ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee! ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman? ARTHUR: Um, yes. ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can `nee' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'? ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEMIR: Nee! ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! Scene 19 ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem. ARTHUR: What is that? HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee. RANDOM: Nee! HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky- ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. RANDOM: Nee! HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Nee? HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee! HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word. ARTHUR: What word? HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Nee cannot hear. ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! ARTHUR: What, `is'? HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'. BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin! MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing about Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you! KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word! ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up-- ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it. HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again! ROBIN: I was looking for it. KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest. ARTHUR: No, it is far from-- KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again! ARTHUR: Patsy! HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay! Yay! NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay! NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... Scene 20 ARTHUR: Knights! Forward! [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? TIM: I... am an enchanter. ARTHUR: By what name are you known? TIM: There are some who call me... Tim? ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter. TIM: Greetings, King Arthur! ARTHUR: You know my name? TIM: I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Grail! ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. TIM: Quite. [pweeng boom] [clap clap clap] ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah. ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are. BEDEMIR: We have been for some time. ROBIN: Ages. ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful... GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh- [boom] ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh-- TIM: A what...? ARTHUR: A g--, a g-- TIM: A Grail?! ARTHUR: Yes, I think so. KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes. TIM: Yes! KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine. [boom pweeng boom boom] ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh-- TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim? TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth. ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance. Scene 21 [clop clop whinny] ???: They're nervous, sire. ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg! ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered. ???: What with? ARTHUR: Just keep me covered. TIM: Too late! [chord] ARTHUR: What? TIM: There he is! ARTHUR: Where? TIM: There! ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit? TIM: It is the rabbit! ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up! TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! ???: Get stuffed! TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate! ???: Oh, yeah? ROBIN: You monkey's scot's get! TIM: I'm warning you! ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off! BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! TIM: Look! [squeak] BORIS: Aaaugh! [chord] ARTHUR: Jesus Christ! TIM: I warned you! ROBIN: I peed again! TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always-- ARTHUR: Oh, shut up! TIM: --But do they listen to me?-- ARTHUR: Right! TIM: -Oh, no-- KNIGHTS: Charge! [squeak squeak] KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc. KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw. ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose? ???: Gawain. ???: Hector. ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five. GALAHAD: Three, sir. ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite. ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor. GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. ARTHUR: Like what? GALAHAD: Well,.... ARTHUR: Have we got bows? ???: No. LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work? ???: I know not, my liege. ???: Consult the Book of Armaments! MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --" MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother. BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" MAYNARD: Amen. ALL: Amen. ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five! ???: Three, sir! ARTHUR: Three! [boom] Scene 22 ???: There! Look! LAUNCELOT: What does it say? GALAHAD: What language is that? ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar! MAYNARD: It's Aramaic! GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea! LAUNCELOT: Course! ???: What does it say? MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of uuggggggh'. ARTHUR: What? MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'. BEDEMIR: What is that? MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it. LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on! MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says. ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it! MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating. ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'. LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh. ???: Aaauggh. BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh? ???: Where's that? BEDEMIR: France, I think. LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall? ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives. LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives. SEVERAL: Iiiiives. BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo! LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh. BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm. LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh! BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh! ???: Oooh! ???: Oh, no! [roar] MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh! ARTHUR: Run away! ALL: Run away! Run away! [roar] NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue. Scene 23 ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death! ROBIN: Oh, great. ???: Look! ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24! BEDEMIR: What is he doing here? ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- ???: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- ???: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety. ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ROBIN: Oh, I won't go. ???: Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR: Sir Robin! ROBIN: Yes? ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go. ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go? LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east-- ARTHUR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions-- ???: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray. LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege. ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you. KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. KEEPER: What is your name? LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot. KEEPER: What is your quest? LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is your favorite color? LAUNCELOT: Blue. KEEPER: Right. Off you go. LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. ROBIN: That's easy! KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. KEEPER: What is your name? ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot. KEEPER: What is your quest? ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria? ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! KEEPER: Stop! What is your name? GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot. KEEPER: What is your quest? GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is your favorite color? GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh! KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name? ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons. KEEPER: What is your quest? ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows? ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know. Scene 24 ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot! BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot! ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot! [angels singing] ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe [something] the most- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ! GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time! ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us! GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters. ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of God and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it! GUARD: Yes, this time and [something] any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha! ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them. GUARD: No, remain ??? illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt! ARTHUR: We shall attack at once! BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege! ARTHUR: Stand by for attack! [ ending nonsense ] +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Here is the Script, as it was available at the underground-server. Have fun, -werner ( 8850004 @ AWIWUW11.BITNET ) ----------------------------cut here------------------------------ * The Moose Liner Notes from _The Holy Grail_ * Monti Python ild den Holie Graillen Rpten nik Akten Di-Written and performed by W-With Alsp wik-Also with Alsp alsp wik-Also also appearing Wi npt trei a holliday in Sweden this yer? See the leveli lakes. The wonderful telephone system. And mani interesting furry animals. Including the majestik mppse-their o's are formed like p's A mppse once bit my sister. Np realli! She was Karving her initials pn the mppse with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given her by Svenge-her brother-in-law-an Oslo dentist and star of many Nprwegian mpvies: "The Hpt Hands of an Oslo Dentist,""Fillings of Passion,"The Huge Mplars of Horst Nordink"... Mynd you,mppse bites Kan be pretti nasti... Mppse Trained by Yutte Hermsgervprdenbrptenj Mppse Costumes Siggi Churchill Special Mppse Effects Olaf Prot Mppse choreographed by Horst Prot III Miss Taylor's Mppses by Hengst Douglas-Home Mppse trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by Jurgen Wigg Moose noses wiped by Bjorn Irkestum-Slater Wal Large moose on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end given a thorough grounding in Latin,French and "O" level geography by Bo Benn Suggestive poses for thmoose suggested by Vic Rotter Antler-care by Liv Thatcher ======================================================================= scene: Outside of a castle. Very thick fog is about and the sound of horse steps can be heard. approaching. Soon king Arthur and his servant Patsy walk into sight. Patsy is banging two coconuts together which make the sound of horse steps. Arthur: Whoa there! guard: Who goes there? Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, son of Luther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot, king of the Britains, defeater of the Saxons, ruler of all England! guard: Who's the other one? Arthur: This is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden ah length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my courts at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. guard: What, ridden on a horse? Arthur: yes guard: Your using coconuts. Arthur: What? guard: You have two coconuts and your banging them together. Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of Mercia.. guard: (interrupts) Where did you get the coconuts? Arthur: We found them. guard: FOUND THEM? In Mercia? The coconuts tropical. Arthur: What do you mean? guard: Well this is a temperate zone. Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the plumer may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. guard: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Arthur: No. They could be carried. guard: What, a swallow carrying a coconut. Arthur: It could grip it by the husk. guard: It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five ounce bird *could* not carry a one pound coconut. Arthur: Well, it does't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur, from the court at Camelot, is here. guard: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times a second. Right? Arthur: *Please* guard: Am I right? Arthur: I'm not interested. guard two: It could be carried by an african swallow. guard: Ah, an african swallow my be, but no a european swallow, that's my point. guard two: Oh yeah, I agree with that. Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot? guard: But then, african swallows are non-migratitory. guard two: Oh, yeah, so they couldn't bring back a coconut anyway........Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together? ( at this King Arthur and Patsy turn around and leave. Patsy resumes banging the coconuts together.) guard: Naw, they'd have to have a line. guard two: Well, simple, they just use a strand of crepe. guard: What? Tied under the dorsal guiding feathers? guard two: Well, why not? ======================================================================= [Arthur and Patsy are 'riding' through a field full of peasants pawing about in the mud and muck. Arthur stops and asks directions of one of the peasants.] Arthur: Old woman! Man: Man. Arthur: Sorry. Who lives in that castle? Man: ...and I'm not "Old," I'm only thirty-seven. Arthur: Well, I can't just call you "Man." Man: You *could* say "Dennis." Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind you looked.... Man: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior. Arthur: Well, I *am* King. Man: Oh, King, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! If there's ever going to be any progress... Old Woman: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. (notices Arthur) Oh...how do you do? Arthur: How do you do, good Lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Old Woman: King of the who? Arthur: The Britons. Old Woman: Who are they? Arthur: You. Me. We are all Britons. And I am your King. Old Woman: I didn't know we had a King. I thought we were an autonomous collective. Man: You're foolin' yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes . . . Old Woman: There you go. Bringing class into it again. Man: That's what it's all about. If only people would listen . . . Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? Old Woman: No one lives there. Arthur: Then who is your lord? Old Woman: We don't have a lord. Man: I told you, we're an anarcho-syndacist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week-- Arthur: Yes, yes, I see. Man: --but, all the decisions of that officer must be ratified by a special by-weekly meeting-- Arthur: Please, be quiet. Man: --by a two-thirds majority in the case of external affairs-- Arthur: Be quiet! Man: --but by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs-- Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! Old Woman: "Order," eh? Who does he think he is? Arthur: I am your King. Old Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you. Arthur: You don't vote for Kings!!! Old Woman: And how'd you get to be King, then? Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the finest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bossom of the water, signifying that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I'm your King! Man: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Arthur: Shut up! Man: Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. Arthur: Will you shut up! Man: I mean, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just 'cause some moistened bint threw a sword at you. I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor just 'cause some watery tart had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! [Arthur "dismounts" and manhandles Dennis] Man: Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system. (yells) Come see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I'm being repressed! Arthur: Bloody peasant! Man: Oh, what a giveaway! That's what I'm on about: You saw him repressin' me, didn't you? ======================================================================= (A guard is walking down the road, push a cart full of dead bodies) collector: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!.........BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!.........BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!.........BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!......... peasant: Wait, heres one. collector: Nine pence. old man: *I'm not dead* collector: What? peasant: Nothing, heres your nine pence. old man: *I'm not dead* collector: Hey, he says he's not dead. peasant: Yes he is. old man: *I'm not* collector: He isn't? peasant: Well, he will be soon. He's old very ill. old man: *I think I,m getting better* peasant: No your not. You'll be stone dead in a minute. collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. old man: *I don't want to go on the cart* peasant: Awww....., don't be such a baby. collector: Look, I can't take him. old man: *I feel fine* peasant: Well, do us a favor. collector: I can't. peasant: Well, can you hang around a few minutes longer? He won't be long. collector: No, I got to go to the Robbinsons. They've lost nine today. peasant: When's your next round? collector: Thursday. old man: *I think I'll go for a walk* peasant: ( to old man) Your not fooling anyone. ( to collector) Look, isn't there something you could do? old man: *I feel happy! I feel happy!* (the collector looks around, sees nobody watching. He then hits the old man with the mace, killing him) peasant: AH! Thanks very much. (drops body onto cart) collector: Not at all. See you next Thursday. peasant: Right. All right. (King Arthur and Patsy, still banging coconuts, go by) collector: Whose that? peasant: I dunno. collector: Must be a king. peasant: How do you know? collector: He doesn't have shit all over 'im. ======================================================================= -----The Witch Scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail----- Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her? Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch? Villager: She looks like one! Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!! Bedevere: Bring her forward. (a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one. Witch: THEY dressed me up like this. Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't! Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! (Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.) Bedevere: Well? One Villager: Well, we did do the nose. Bedevere: The nose? Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch! Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! B: Did you dress her up like this? Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... One Villager: yes. Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart... B: What makes you think she is a witch? Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!! (pause) Bedevere: a newt? (long pause) Villager: I got better... Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIET There are ways of *telling* whether she is a witch! Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us! B: Tell me. What do you do with witches? V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!! B: And what do you burn apart from witches? Villager: More Witches! Other Villager: Wood. B: So. Why do witches burn? (long silence) (shuffling of feet by the villagers) Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood? B: Goooood! Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh.... B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood? One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er! B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone? Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm... B: Does wood sink in water? One Villager: No! No, no, it floats! Other Villager: Throw her into the pond! Villagers: yaaaaaa! (when order is restored) B: What also floats in water? Villager: Bread! Another Villager: Apples! Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks! Another Villager: Cider! Another Villager: Uh...great gravy! Another Villager: Cherries! Another Villager: Mud! Another Villager: Churches! Churches! Another Villager: Lead! Lead! King Arthur: A Duck! Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh! B: exACTly! B: (to a villager) So, *logically*... Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. B: and therefore... (pause) Villager: A Witch! All Villagers: A WITCH! (they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.) ======================================================================= Camelot (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Bedevere: And that, my leige, is how we know the earth to be of a girly shapement. King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again, how sheep's bladders can be employed to prevent earthquakes. Bedevere: Oh, certainly, Sir. You see,... Sir Lancelot: Look, my leige! (heraldic trumpets) King Arthur: Camelot! Robin: Camelot! Bedevere: Camelot! Patsy: (really Terry Gilliam) It's only a model. Arthur: (to Patsy) Shhhhhh!! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride to--Camelot! We're Knights of the Round Table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We're Knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot (Xylophone FX on knight's heads) In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fat-i-gable Between our quests We sequin our vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot: Solo: I have to push the pram a lot... Arthur: No, on second thoughts let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.... ======================================================================= ****** The French Castle Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" ****** King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants, "ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn. Arthur: HELLO! (waits) Arthur: HELLO! (waits) An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart. It speaks in an outrageous French accent. Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it? Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard. A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see? A: What? Galahad: He says they've already *got* one! A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one? S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs. (to the other soldiers:) I told 'em we've already *got* one! (they snicker) A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look? S: Of course not! You are English types. A: Well, what are you then? S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly king?! A: What are you doing in *England*? S: Mind your own business! A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!! (the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his tongue at the knights, making strange noises.) Lancelot: What a strange person. A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma-- S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Ah unclog my nose at you! Ah fart in your gen'ral direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to? S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time! ======================================================================= ** The Tale of Sir Robin. ** So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. Minstrel: song: Bravely bold Sir Robin Brought forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, Oh, brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his peni-- Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's getting work afoot. Three headed knight: HALT!!! Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his tactics! Minstrel: Robin: Brave Sir Robin ran away. No! Bravely ran away away.... I didn't! When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled No!! Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't! And gallantly chickened out.. Bravely taking to his feet Never! He beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave, Lies! Sir Robin. He is sneaking away, and buggering off, No I didn't! and chickening out, and running off home, Yes, bravely is he lacking of spine. All lies! Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. ======================================================================= The Knights of Ni (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Arthur: Who are you? Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"! Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"! Knight of Ni: The same. Other Knight of Ni: Who are we? Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm! Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm! Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand...a sacrifice! Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No! Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you...if you do not appease us. Arthur: Well what is it you want? Knight of Ni: We want... (dramatic pause) A SHRUBBERY!!!! (minor music) Arthur: A WHAT? Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni! Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never pass through this wood... alive. Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: One that looks nice. Arthur: Of course! Knight of Ni: And not too expensive. Arthur: Yes! Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO! (music, after which Arthur returns with a shrubbery) Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.... Arthur: What is that? Knight of Ni: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say "Ni"! Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh! Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky- z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm". Other Knight of Ni: Ni! Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test. Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of..... Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"? Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find.... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!! (minor music) Arthur: Oh, not another shrubbery!! Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher, so we get a two level effect with a little path running down the middle. Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni! Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING! ======================================================================= The Tale of Sir Launcelot (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) (As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway...) The Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. The King and his son, the Prince. King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be yours... Prince: What, the curtains? King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out over the 'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kingdom, lad. Prince: But, Mother... King: Father, lad, Father. Prince: But, Father, I don't want any of that. King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands. Prince: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather-- King: Rather what? Prince: I'd rather...just...sing! (the music swells) King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here! (music dies out) Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in Britain. Prince: But I don't want land! King: Listen, Alex... Prince: 'Erbert... King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!! Prince: But... but I don't like 'er! King: Don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful, she's...rich, she's got...HUGE... tracts o' land... Prince: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain...special...something...(music up) King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... (he grabs the prince and the music dies away) You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! (slaps the prince) GUARDS!!! (the two guards come in) Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. (starts to go) Guard 1: (repeats) Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Nono...Until I come and get him. Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. King: (stops) Nono, no... You stay in the room, and make sure he doesn't leave. Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Right. Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the room. King: Nono. Leaving the room. Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. King: All right? Guard 1: 'Right. King: Right. Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we...... King: (coming back in) Yes, what is it? Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh.... King: Look, it's quite simple. Guard 1: Uh..... King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us? King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure.. Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him... King: Nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else... King: No, not anyone else, just me... Guard 1: ...Just you... Guard 2: *hic* King: Get back. Guard 1: Get back. King: All right? Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. Guard 2: *hic* King: (pause) And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave. Guard 1: What? King: (pause) Make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: The prince?????? King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE... Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! (motions towards the second guard) You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when 'e's a guard... King: (pause) Is that clear? Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems! Guard 2: *hic* King: Right. (starts to leave. The guards follow him) Where are you going? Guard 1: We're coming with you! King: Nono, I want you to stay here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE! Guard 1: Oh, I see, right! Prince: (plaintively) But father-- King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! (leaves) (Herbert looks wistful, the music comes up...) (the King re-enters) AND NO SINGING! Guard 2: *hic* King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves) The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. Guard 2: *Hic* Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, behind Concorde, who is banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. Launcelot: Ho! (they jump over the stream) Well taken, Concorde! Steady there, boy! (an arrow whizzes through the air and embeds itself in Concorde) Concorde: (gasps) Message for you, sir. (he falls) Launcelot: Concorde!! (spying the arrow) A note! (reads) "To whomever finds this note. Help. I am being held prisoner by my father who wishes me to marry against my will!! Please please please please rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle." (aloud) A quest! A damsel in distress! Oh, Concorde, noble Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! (starts to draw sword) Concorde: I'm not quite dead yet, sir! Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been... mortally wounded in vain! (draws sword) Concorde: I think I could pull through, sir. Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Concorde, maybe you'd better stay here and rest a bit, eh? Concorde: Oh, I think I could come with you, sir... Launcelot: No, no, Concorde, brave soul, you shall stay here, and I ...I shall undertake a perilous quest to win freedom for a maiden, in my own particular... Concorde: Idiom, sir? Launcelot: Idiom! Farewell, Concorde!! (dashes off towards the castle, leaving Concorde looking after him uncertainly) Concorde: (calls after Launcelot) I'll just wait here, shall I, sir? Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs them both through. They die, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door. Guard 1: Hello! Urggh. (dies, run though) Guard 2: *Hic* (also run through) Launcelot: (kneeling before the white-garbed figure in the room) Milady, here kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from-- (sees it's a man, gets up immediately) Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Prince: (claps hands delightedly) You got my note! Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note, let's not jump to conclusions-- Prince: I knew some one would read it and rescue me! I've got a rope all ready! (dispays shredded blanket made into rope) Let's climb down! King: (barging in, quite upset) What's all this!?! (sees Launcelot) Are you the one who killed all my guests? Prince: He's come to rescue me! King: Shut your noise, you. Well, what about it? Launcelot: (highly embarrassed) Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit...carried away with the moment... King: Carried away?!? Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest! Launcelot: Oh Dear, is he all right? King: Allright! You stuck your sword through his chest! Now what sort of behavior is that??? Who are you, anyway? Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I-- King: King Arthur?? King-of-England Arthur? And you're one of his Knights of the Round Table? Prince: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot! (ties rope to table) Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss... King: Fuss? Nonsense!! Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored guest, please! Camelot, very good pig country... Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people ...and kicking the bride... Prince: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! (goes out the window) King: Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just come downstairs with me, will you? I want to introduce you to everyone. Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much... (leaves) King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot.... (goes to window, draws dagger) Prince: (from outside) Are you coming, Sir Launcelot? (The King cuts the blanket-rope, which slithers out the window) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (sploch as Herbert lands in the swamp) King: (liltingly) Coming, Sir Launcelot... Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There he is!" and,"He's the one!" and, "Get him!" Launcelot draws his sword and goes berserk again. King: Oh, bloody hell. Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech. King: Ladies and gentlemen. This man whom you see beside me is my own honored friend, Sir Launcelot, a very brave and influential Knight from Camelot. He has come all this way just to see my son married to Princess Lucky. Unfortunately, my son Herbert has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower. (gasps) But, I like to think of myself, not as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter. For, since the father of the bride perished in most untimely circumstances.... Voice: He's not quite dead yet.... King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be considered dead... Voice: I think he's coming 'round! King: (whispers to a guard, who circles towards the back of the room, where the father lies) Since her father, who, when it seemed he was just on the verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (guard stabs father) (thump) Voice: He's kicked off! King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad. In a very real legally binding sense. And, as this is meant to be a wedding day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my family, and give him the hand of my new daughter in earnest token of my esteem for him and his title. (pause, some feeble applause from the guards) Launcelot: (taken aback) Well, really, I must be going, I don't think-- King: Going? Nonsense! Why, how could you leave me at a time like this, so recently bereft of my only son? Concorde: (entering with Prince) He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction) King: Oh, bloody hell. Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower? Prince: Well, I'll tell you...(music starts) King: No! Wait! Stop that! (But it is too late) Guests: He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way. Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more... Concorde: Dramatic, sir? Launcelot: Dramatic! Right! This bell pull will do...(he runs up the stairs holding the bell pull, leaps off towards a window on the far side of the hall, but, being a little short on momentum, doesn't quite make it to the window ledge, and winds up swinging forlornly back and forth in the middle of the room) Err...could someone give me a push? ======================================================================= The Holy Hand Grenade (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) (the knights rush out of the cave, huffing and puffing, to take cover from the vicious onslaught of the Killer Rabbit) All Knights: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!! Arthur: Okay, how many did we lose? Lancelot: Gawaine... Galahad: ...Hector... Arthur: ...and Bors. That's five. Bedevere: Three, sir! Arthur: Three, three. And we can't risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite! Robin: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? Arthur: Shut up, and go and change your armor! Galahad: Let us taunt it! It will become so cross, it will make a mistake! Arthur: (pause) Like what? Robin: (a longer pause) Well... Lancelot: Have we got bows? Arthur: No. Galahad: (brightly) We have the Holy Hand Grenade, Sire! Arthur: Yes, of course! 'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade! Monks: (chanting) Die Jesu domine, Dona eis requiem. Die Jesu domine, Dona eis requiem. (a pause as Arthur examines the grenade, turning it over in his hands) Arthur: How does it....how does it work? Lancelot: I know not, my leige. Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments! High Priest: Armaments Chapter Two, verses nine through twenty-seven: Brother Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and slothes, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima beans-- High Priest: (interrupting) Skip a bit, brother. Brother Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou *not* count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou thenst procede to three. Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. All: Amen. Arthur: Right! (pulls pin) One! Two! Five! Bedevere: Three, Sire!! Arthur: Three! (throws hand grenade at the Killer Rabbit) (holy music as the grenade sails into the cave and the Killer Rabbit is blown into small pieces) ================================================================== The Bridge of Death (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) King Arthur: Now, we are about to attempt to cross...the Bridge of Death! The gate-keeper of the Bridge will ask any who attempt to cross five questions-- Sir Bedevere: Three, sire. Arthur: (pause) Oh, yes, three. He who successfully answers these five questions-- Bedevere: Three, sire! Arthur: (slightly longer pause) Ah, three, then...er, may pass in safety. However, anyone who fails to correctly answer all five questions- Bedevere: THREE, sire! Arthur: I KNOW IT'S BLOODY THR--ahem, yes, of course, three. (black look at Bedevere)...will be cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!!! (dramatic music) Arthur: (continuing) Sir Robin, why don't you go? Sir Robin: Er...I've got an idea! Why doesn't Sir Lancelot go? Sir Lancelot: Yes, I'll take him, sire. (about to draw sword) I'll make a feint to the North-East, and then-- Arthur: No, no, just answer the questions, Sir Lancelot. Lancelot: But I'd really like a feint to the North-East, sire... Arthur: No, Sir Lancelot. We'll all be right behind you, listening... Lancelot: (sheathing sword) I...understand, sire. Arthur: Our prayers go with you, Sir Lancelot. (Lancelot approaches the bridge. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Bridgekeeper appears) Bedevere: (whispering) It's the old man from Scene 24!! Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Lancelot: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Lancelot: Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color? Lancelot: Blue. Bridgekeeper: Right, off you go. Lancelot: (realizing that was it) Oh! Well, thank you. Thank you very much. (and off he goes. The knights look at each other.) Robin: That's EASY!!! (A mad rush for the bridge. Robin arrives first. The knights cluster behind. A few sniff and wrinkle their noses, and the group backs off) Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Robin: (excitedly) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Robin: Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What...is you quest? Robin: I seek the Grail! Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria? Robin: (indignant) I don't know THAT!! (an unseen force whisks him up and over the side) AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!!!! (The knights pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than all that.) *** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. *** Bedevere: What shall we do, sire? Arthur: Well, I'm not sure, but... Bridgekeeper: (off) What...goes black, white, black, white, black, white? Sir Gawain: (off) Uh...er...ah...Babylon? AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! *** Movie resumes. *** Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Sir Galahad: (swallowing) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper...I am not afraid... Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Galahad: (nervous) Sir Galahad... Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Galahad: (really nervous) To seek the Grail... Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color? Galahad: (relieved) Blue! No, red--YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!! (Arthur steps forward) Bridgekeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Arthur: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Arthur: Arthur, King of the Britons! Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Arthur: I seek the Holy Grail! Bridgekeeper: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Arthur: (brief pause) What do you mean, an African or a European swallow? Bridgekeeper: (confused) Well...I don't know...AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Bedevere: (crossing behind Arthur) How do you know so much about swallows, sire? Arthur: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king, you know... *** Note: The following bit was *also* cut from the movie. *** (Arthur and Bedevere approach a gigantic lake. A boat in the shape of a dragon glides slowly towards them. As they prepare to cross, the same old man suddenly appears before them.) Boatkeeper: STOP! He who would cross the Sea of Fate Must answer me these questions twenty-eight! (Arthur and Bedevere look at each other. They look at the old man. They look back at each other. They pick the old man up, throw him in the water, and board the ship.)