\begindata{text, 268739484} \textdsversion{12} \template{default} \majorheading{Argument Clinic } V= Voice over Eric Idle M= Man looking for an argument Michael Palin R= Receptionist Carol Cleveland Q= Abuser Terry Jones A= Arguer John Cleese C= Complainer Eric Idle H= Head Hitter Graham Chapman F= Inspector Fox (of the Yard) Terry Jones T= Inspector Thompson's Gazelle (of the Yard) Eric Idle P= Policeman at the end who ties the entire sketch together with a fabulous performance, we assume he's an inspector (from the Yard) John Cleese V- And now, five more minutes of Monty Python's Flying Circus. R- Yes sir. M- I'd like to have an argument, please. R- Certainly sir. Have you been here before? M- No, this is my first time. R- I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? M- Well, what would be the cost? R- Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. M- Hmm. Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. Okay? R- Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment. Uhhh. Mr. Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12. M- Thank you. (clears throat) (Walks down the hall. Opens door.) Q- WHAT DO YOU WANT? M- Well, I was told outside that... Q- Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! M- What? Q- Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke. You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!! M- Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT!! Q- OH, oh I'm sorry, this is abuse. M- Oh, I see, well, that explains it. Q- Ah no, you want 12A, next door. M- I see. Q- Yes. M- Sorry. Q- Not at all. M- No, that's all right. (exits) Q- (Under his breath) Stupid git!! M- (Walk down the corridor, sees door marked 12A, knocks) A- Come in. M- Is this the right room for an argument? A- I've told you once. M- No you haven't. A- Yes I have. M- When? A- Just now. M- No you didn't. A- Yes I did. M- Didn't A- I did! M- Didn't! A- I'm telling you I did! M- You did not!! A- Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour? M- Oh, oh, just the five minutes one. A- Fine. (pause) Thank you. Anyway, I did. M- You most certainly did not. A- Look, let's get one thing quite clear; I most definitely told you. M- You did not. A- Yes I did. M- You did not. A- Yes I did. M- Didn't. A- Yes I did. M- Didn't. A- Yes I did. M- Look, this isn't an argument. A- Yes it is. M- No it isn't. It's just contradiction. A- No it isn't. M- Yes it is! A- It is not. M- It is. You just contradicted me. A- No I didn't. M- Oh you did!! A- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. M- You did just then. A- No, no, no. Nonsense! M- Oh, look this is futile! A- No it isn't. M- I came here for a good argument. A- No you didn't; you came here for an argument. M- An argument is not the same as contradiction. A- (Pause) It can be. M- No it can't. An argument is a collected series of statements to establish a definite proposition. A- No it isn't. M- Yes it is! It isn't just contradiction. A- Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. M- But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't.' A- Yes it is! M- No it isn't! (pauses and thinks about that) Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. A- No it isn't. M- Yes it is. A- Not at all. M- Now look. I-- A- (Rings bell) Thank you. Good Morning. M- What? A- That's it. Good morning. M- I was just getting interested. A- Sorry, the five minutes is up. M- That was never five minutes just now! A- 'Fraid it was. M- No it wasn't. (Pause) A- I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore. M- What?! A- If you want me to go on arguing, you have to pay for another five minutes. M- But that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on! A- (Hums) M- This is ridiculous. A- I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! M- Oh, all right. (pays money) There you are. A- Thank you. (short pause) M- Well? A- Well what? M- That was never five minutes just now. A- Look I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. M- I just paid! A- No you didn't. M- I DID! A- No you didn't. M- I DID! A- No you didn't. M- I DID! A- No you didn't. M- Look, I don't want to argue about that. A- Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay. M- Aha. Well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you! A- No you haven't. M- Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid. A- Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. M- Oh I've had enough of this. A- No you haven't. M- Oh shut up. (Walks down corridor. Opens door.) I want to complain. C- You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the soles are worn right through. M- No, I want to complain about... C- If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother. And my back hurts and every other part... M- (Slams door. Walks down corridor, opens next door.) I want to... (get hit on head with mallet) Owwww! H- Hold your head like this, and then go Waaah. Try it again. (Hits man on head) M- Whoahhhhh!! H- Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Hold your hands here. M- No. H- Now.. (again) M- Waaaaah!!! H- Good! That's it. That's it. Good. M- Stop hitting me!! H- What? M- Stop hitting me! H- Stop hitting you? M- Yes! H- Oh, uh, what did you come in here for then? M- I came in to complain. H- Oh I'm sorry. That's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here. M- What a stupid concept. F- Right. Hold it here. M/H- (together) What? F- Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police: Comedy Division: Special Flying Squad. M/H- Flying Fox of the Yard?! F- Shut up (hits Man with billy club) M- WoooAH! H- No, Waaah. F- And you (hits Hitter) H- Waaah! F- He's good. You could learn a thing or two from him. Right. Now you two me old beauties. You are nipped. M- What for? F- I'm charging you under section 21 of the strange sketch acts. M- The what? F- You are hereby charged that you did willfully take part in a strange sketch, that is a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British public. (Looks at camera) Good evening all. And you talked... (hits Man) M- Waaah! F- That's excellent!!! Right. Come on down to the Yard. T- Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Program Planning Police: Light Entertainment Division: Special Flying Squad. F- Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard?! T- (Hits Fox) Shut up! F- Yeowww! H- He's good. T- Shut up! (Hits Hitter) H- Wowwah! M- Rotten. (Gets hit) Waaah! T- Goood. Now. I'm arresting this entire show on three counts. One, acts of a self-conscious behavior contrary to the Not-in-front-of-the-Children Act. Two, always saying "So-and-so of the Yard," every time the fuzz arrives. And three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the Getting-out-of- Sketches-Without-Using-a-Proper-Punchline Act. Namely, simply ending every bleeding sketch by having a policeman come in and... Wait a minute... P- Hold it. (Clasps his hand on Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder) T- It's a fair cop. (Another policeman comes in and grabs the last constable, who subsequently is arrested himself... ) V- And now, one more minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus.\ \enddata{text,268739484}