The Princess Bride transcription of film by Bob Glickstein GRANDSON (coughs) MOTHER Hi honey. GRANDSON Hi Mom. MOTHER You feeling any better? GRANDSON A little bit. MOTHER Guess what? GRANDSON What? MOTHER Grandfather's here. GRANDSON Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick? MOTHER ``You're sick''? That's why he's here. GRANDSON He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that. MOTHER Maybe he won't. GRANDPA Hey! How's the sickie? Eh? MOTHER I think I'll leave you two pals alone. GRANDPA I brought you a special present. GRANDSON What is it? GRANDPA Open it up. GRANDSON A book? GRANDPA That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you. GRANDSON Has it got any sports in it? GRANDPA Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles... GRANDSON Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake. GRANDPA Oh, well, thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. ``The Princess Bride,'' by S. Morgenstern, Chapter One. ``Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding a horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that.'' Isn't that a wonderful beginning? GRANDSON Yeah, it's really good. GRANDPA ``Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.'' BUTTERCUP Farm boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning. WESTLEY As you wish. GRANDPA ```As you wish' was all he ever said to her.'' BUTTERCUP Farm boy, fill these with water. Please? WESTLEY As you wish. GRANDPA ``That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying `As you wish,' what he meant was `I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.'' BUTTERCUP Farm boy... fetch me that pitcher? WESTLEY As you wish. GRANDSON Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book? GRANDPA Wait, just wait. GRANDSON Well when does it get good? GRANDPA Keep your shirt on, let me read. ``Westley had no money for marriage, so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.'' GRANDSON I don't believe this. BUTTERCUP I fear I'll never see you again. WESTLEY Of course you will. BUTTERCUP But what if something happens to you? WESTLEY Hear this now: I will always come for you. BUTTERCUP But how can you be sure? WESTLEY This is true love. You think this happens every day? GRANDPA ``Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered--'' GRANDSON Murdered by pirates is good. GRANDPA ``--she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.'' BUTTERCUP I will never love again. GRANDPA ``Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be.'' HUMPERDINCK My people! A month from now, our country will have its five-hundredth anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her? PEOPLE Yes! HUMPERDINCK My people, the Princess Buttercup! GRANDPA ``Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.'' VIZZINI A word, milady? We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby? BUTTERCUP There is nothing nearby, not for miles. VIZZINI Then there will be no one to hear you scream. ----- INIGO What is that you're ripping? VIZZINI It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Guilder. FEZZIK Who's Guilder? VIZZINI The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin! Go! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed. FEZZIK You never said anything about killing anyone. VIZZINI I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition. FEZZIK I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl. VIZZINI Am I going mad, or did the word ``think'' escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you land mass. INIGO I agree with Fezzik. VIZZINI Well, the sahib has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this: When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed? In Greenland?! INIGO Vizzini, he can... fuss. FEZZIK Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at us. INIGO Probably he means no... harm. FEZZIK He's very very short on charm. INIGO You have a great gift for rhyme. FEZZIK Yes, yes. Some other time. VIZZINI Enough of that! INIGO Fezzik! Are there rocks ahead? FEZZIK If there are, we'll all be dead! VIZZINI No more rhymes now, I mean it! FEZZIK Anybody want a peanut? VIZZINI Aaagh! ----- VIZZINI We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that? INIGO Making sure nobody is follow us. VIZZINI That would be inconceivable. BUTTERCUP Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Prince will see you all hanged. VIZZINI Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own. Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over. INIGO You are sure nobody is follow us? VIZZINI As I told you it would absolutely, totally and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask? INIGO No reason, is only I just happened to look behind us and something is there. VIZZINI What? Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night... through... eel-infested waters... What! What! Go in, get after her! INIGO I don't swim. FEZZIK I only dog-paddle. VIZZINI Gaah! Veer left! Left, left! Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels. GRANDPA She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time. GRANDSON What? GRANDPA The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous. GRANDSON I wasn't nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing. GRANDPA Because we can stop now if you want. GRANDSON No, you could read a little bit more, if you want. GRANDPA ```Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels--''' GRANDSON You passed that, Grandpa. You read it already. GRANDPA Oh, oh my goodness. I did. I'm sorry, beg your pardon. Alright, alright, let's see, uh, she was in the water, the eel was coming after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then-- VIZZINI Put her down, just put her down. INIGO I think he's getting closer. VIZZINI He's no concern of ours. Sail on! I suppose you think you're brave, don't you? BUTTERCUP Only compared to some. ----- INIGO Look! He's right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using. VIZZINI Whoever he is, he's too late. See? The Cliffs of Insanity! Hurry up! Move the thing! And that other thing! Move it! We're safe. Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor. INIGO He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us! VIZZINI Inconceivable. Faster! FEZZIK I thought I was going faster. VIZZINI You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains. FEZZIK Well, I am carrying three people, and he got only himself. VIZZINI I do not accept excuses. I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all. FEZZIK Don't say that, Vizzini, please? VIZZINI Did I make it clear that your job is at stake? ----- FEZZIK He got very good arms. VIZZINI He didn't fall? Inconceivable! INIGO You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. My God, he's climbing. VIZZINI Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess and must therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine, if not, the sword. INIGO I'm going to do him left-handed. VIZZINI You know what a hurry we're in! INIGO It's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly. VIZZINI Oh, have it your way. FEZZIK You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted. VIZZINI I'm waiting! INIGO Hello there! Slow going? ROBERTS Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me. INIGO Sorry. ROBERTS Thank you. INIGO I do not suppose you could speed things up? ROBERTS If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do. INIGO I could do that. I've still got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help since I am only waiting around to kill you. ROBERTS That does put a damper on our relationship. INIGO But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top. ROBERTS That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait. INIGO I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard! ROBERTS No good. I've known too many Spaniards. INIGO Is there any way you'll trust me? ROBERTS Nothing comes to mind. INIGO I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive. ROBERTS Throw me the rope. ----- ROBERTS Thank you. INIGO Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait until you are ready. ROBERTS Again, thank you. INIGO I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? ROBERTS Do you always begin conversations this way? INIGO My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appear and request a special sword, my father took the job. He spent a year before he was done. ROBERTS I've never seen its equal. INIGO Six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refuse. Without a word, the six-fingered man slash him through the heart. I love my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I fail. Six-fingered man leave me alive. But he gave me this. ROBERTS How old were you? INIGO I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing so the next time we meet, I will no fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, ``Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'' ROBERTS You've done nothing but study swordplay? INIGO Well, pursue more than study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now, I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge. ROBERTS Well, I, I certainly hope you find him someday. INIGO You are ready then? ROBERTS Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair. INIGO You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. ROBERTS You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. INIGO Begin. ----- INIGO You are using Bonetti's defense against me, ah? ROBERTS I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain. INIGO Naturally. You must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro! ROBERTS Naturally. But I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don't you? INIGO Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa. Which I have. You are wonderful. ROBERTS Thank you. I've worked hard to become so. INIGO I admit it, you are better than I am. ROBERTS Then why are you smiling? INIGO Because I know something you don't know. ROBERTS And what is that? INIGO I am not left-handed! ROBERTS You are amazing! INIGO I ought to be after twenty years. ROBERTS There's something I ought to tell you. INIGO Tell me. ROBERTS I'm not left-handed either. INIGO Who are you? ROBERTS No one of consequence. INIGO I must know. ROBERTS Get used to disappointment. INIGO Okay. ----- INIGO Kill me quickly. ROBERTS I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either... Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. ----- VIZZINI Inconceivable! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly. FEZZIK What do I do? VIZZINI Finish him, finish him, your way! FEZZIK Oh good. My way. Thank you, Vizzini. Which was my way? VIZZINI Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder. In a few minutes, the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock! FEZZIK My way's not very sportsmanlike. ----- FEZZIK I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss. ROBERTS I believe you. So what happens now? FEZZIK We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. ROBERTS You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people? FEZZIK I could kill you now. ROBERTS Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand-fighting. FEZZIK It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. ROBERTS Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what? FEZZIK I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. You're quick. ROBERTS Good thing, too. FEZZIK Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something like that? ROBERTS Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future. FEZZIK I just figured why you give me so much trouble. ROBERTS Why is that, do you think? FEZZIK Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups, battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing. ROBERTS Why should that make such a difference? FEZZIK Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about one. ROBERTS I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime rest well, and dream of large women. ----- HUMPERDINCK There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters. RUGEN Who won? How did it end? HUMPERDINCK The loser ran off alone. The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder. RUGEN Shall we track them both? HUMPERDINCK The loser is nothing. Only the Princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead. RUGEN Could this be a trap? HUMPERDINCK I always think everything could be a trap. Which is why I'm still alive. ----- VIZZINI So. It is down to you and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward. ROBERTS Let me explain. VIZZINI There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen. ROBERTS Perhaps an arrangement could be reached? VIZZINI There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her. ROBERTS Well, if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse. VIZZINI I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains. ROBERTS You're that smart? VIZZINI Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? ROBERTS Yes. VIZZINI Morons. ROBERTS Really? In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits. VIZZINI For the Princess? To the death? I accept. ROBERTS Good. Then pour the wine. Inhale this but do not touch. VIZZINI I smell nothing. ROBERTS What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. VIZZINI Hm. ROBERTS Alright. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink and find out who is right, and who is dead. VIZZINI But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you--are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool--you would have counted on it--so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. ROBERTS You've made your decision then? VIZZINI Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. ROBERTS Truly you have a dizzying intellect. VIZZINI Wait till I get going! Where was I? ROBERTS Australia. VIZZINI Yes, Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. ROBERTS You're just stalling now. VIZZINI You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me! ROBERTS You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work. VIZZINI It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is! ROBERTS Then make your choice. VIZZINI I will! And I choose--what in the world can that be? ROBERTS What? Where? I don't see anything. VIZZINI Oh, well, I, I could have sworn I saw something, ah, no matter. Hm! ROBERTS What's so funny? VIZZINI I, I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass and you from yours. ROBERTS You guessed wrong. VIZZINI You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned, ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha-- BUTTERCUP Who are you? ROBERTS I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know. BUTTERCUP To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned. ROBERTS They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder. ----- HUMPERDINCK Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies. ----- ROBERTS Catch your breath. BUTTERCUP If you'll release me, whatever you ask for in ransom you'll get, I promise you. ROBERTS Ha ha ha, and what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness. BUTTERCUP I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day, he can find you. ROBERTS You think your dearest love will save you? BUTTERCUP I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me. That I know. ROBERTS You admit to me you do not love your fiancee. BUTTERCUP He knows I do not love him. ROBERTS Are not capable of love is what you mean. BUTTERCUP I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream. ROBERTS That was a warning, Highness. The next time, my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies. ----- HUMPERDINCK Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the Princess' footprints. She is alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out. ----- ROBERTS Rest, Highness. BUTTERCUP I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it. ROBERTS With pride. What can I do for you? BUTTERCUP You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces. ROBERTS Tsk, tsk, tsk. Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me? BUTTERCUP You killed my love. ROBERTS It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich and scabby? BUTTERCUP No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners. ROBERTS I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time. BUTTERCUP You mock my pain! ROBERTS Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear? BUTTERCUP Nothing you can say would upset me. ROBERTS He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said ``Please. Please, I need to live.'' 'Twas the ``Please'' that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. ``True love,'' he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness, I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are. BUTTERCUP And what am I? ROBERTS Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness. Now tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your Prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead? BUTTERCUP You mocked me once, never do it again! I died that day! You can die too for all I care. ROBERTS As... you... wish! BUTTERCUP Oh, my sweet Westley. What have I done? ----- HUMPERDINCK Disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong--and I am never wrong--they are headed dead into the Fire Swamp. ----- WESTLEY Can you move at all? BUTTERCUP Move? You're alive! If you want, I could fly. WESTLEY I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me? BUTTERCUP Well, you were dead. WESTLEY Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while. BUTTERCUP I will never doubt again. WESTLEY There will never be a need. GRANDSON Oh, no. No. Please. GRANDPA What is it? What's the matter? GRANDSON They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part? GRANDPA Someday you may not mind so much. GRANDSON Skip on to the Fire Swamp, that sounded good. GRANDPA Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now where were we, yeah yeah yeah, oh, okay. ``Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.'' WESTLEY Ha! Your pig fiancee is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp. BUTTERCUP We'll never survive. WESTLEY Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has. ----- WESTLEY It's not that bad. Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. ----- WESTLEY Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you? BUTTERCUP You? WESTLEY Well, one thing I will say: the Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory, 'cause Roberts' ship Revenge is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts. BUTTERCUP But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years, and you only left me five years ago. WESTLEY I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying ``Please'' was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my description of your beauty. Finally Roberts decided something. He said, ``Alright, Westley, I never had a valet. You can try if you like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.'' Three years he said that. ``Good night Westley, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.'' It was a fine time for me, I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me, and Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened. BUTTERCUP What? Go on. WESTLEY Well Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me a secret. ``I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,'' he said. ``My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia.'' Thank you. Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you? ----- BUTTERCUP We'll never succeed. We may as well die here. WESTLEY No. No. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like so in the future we can avoid that too. BUTTERCUP Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s? WESTLEY Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. ----- BUTTERCUP Westley! ----- BUTTERCUP We did it. WESTLEY Now, was that so terrible? HUMPERDINCK Surrender! WESTLEY You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept. HUMPERDINCK I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool. WESTLEY Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit. HUMPERDINCK I tell you once again, surrender. WESTLEY It will not happen. HUMPERDINCK For the last time, surrender! WESTLEY Death first! BUTTERCUP Will you promise not to hurt him? HUMPERDINCK What was that? WESTLEY What was that? BUTTERCUP If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man? HUMPERDINCK May I live a thousand years and never hunt again. BUTTERCUP He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship! HUMPERDINCK I swear it will be done! Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair. RUGEN I swear it will be done. BUTTERCUP I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again. Not when I can save you. RUGEN Come, sir. We must get you to your ship. WESTLEY We are men of action. Lies do not become us. RUGEN Well spoken, sir. What is it? WESTLEY You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you. ----- WESTLEY Where am I? ALBINO The Pit of Despair! Don't even think-- (coughs) Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. Only the Prince and the Count and I know how to get in and out. WESTLEY Then I'm here till I die? ALBINO Till they kill you, yeah. WESTLEY Then why bother curing me? ALBINO The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken. WESTLEY So it's to be torture. I can cope with torture. You don't believe me? ALBINO You survived the Fire Swamp, you must be very brave. But nobody withstands The Machine. ----- HUMPERDINCK She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her. RUGEN Of course. GRANDPA ``The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen.'' HUMPERDINCK My father's final words were... GRANDSON Hold it, hold it, Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. I mean, after all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair. GRANDPA Well who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair. GRANDSON I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right! GRANDPA Do you want me to go on with this? GRANDSON Yes. GRANDPA Alright, then, no more interruptions. ``At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen.'' HUMPERDINCK My father's final words were, ``Love her as I loved her and there will be joy.'' I present to you your Queen! Queen Buttercup! HAG Boo! Boo! Boo! BUTTERCUP Why do you do this? HAG Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! BUTTERCUP But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it. HAG Your true love lives and you marry another! True love saved her in the Fire Swamp and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is: The Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her, bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence, boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! GRANDPA ``It was ten days to the wedding. The King still lived but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.'' GRANDSON See! Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck? GRANDPA Yes, you're very smart. Shut up. BUTTERCUP It comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning! HUMPERDINCK I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. You, um, returned this Westley to his ship? RUGEN Yes. HUMPERDINCK Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp; not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known to be men of their words. BUTTERCUP My Westley will always come for me. HUMPERDINCK I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide? Are we agreed? ----- RUGEN Your Princess is really quite a winning creature. A trifle simple perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable. HUMPERDINCK I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war. RUGEN Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. Ah! Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back, I'm starting him on The Machine tonight. HUMPERDINCK Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But I've got my country's five-hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped. RUGEN Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything. ----- RUGEN Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. ...As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel? WESTLEY (weeps) RUGEN Interesting. ----- GILLIAN (clears throat) HUMPERDINCK Gillian. GILLIAN Sire. HUMPERDINCK As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret. Killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night. GILLIAN My spy network has heard no such news. BUTTERCUP Any word from Westley? HUMPERDINCK Too soon, my angel. Patience. BUTTERCUP He will come for me. HUMPERDINCK Of course. ...She will not be murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested. GILLIAN Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate. HUMPERDINCK Form a brute squad, then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed. GILLIAN It won't be easy, sire. HUMPERDINCK Try ruling the world sometime. ----- GRANDPA ``The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders.'' GILLIAN Is everybody out? ENFORCER Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble. GILLIAN Well you give him some trouble. Move. ----- INIGO I am waiting for you, Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved. ENFORCER Hold there! INIGO I do not budge, keep your ``Hold there.'' ENFORCER But the Prince gave orders. INIGO So did Vizzini. ``When the job goes wrong you go back to the beginning.'' Well this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning. And I am staying till Vizzini come. ENFORCER You, brute, come here! INIGO I am waiting for Vizzini. FEZZIK You surely are a meanie. Hello. INIGO It's you! FEZZIK True. You don't look so good. ...You don't smell so good either. INIGO Perhaps not. But I feel fine. GRANDPA ``Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. ...Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo.'' INIGO That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I may kill him? FEZZIK He's with the Prince in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men. INIGO How many could you handle? FEZZIK I don't think more than ten. INIGO Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy. FEZZIK But Vizzini's dead. INIGO No. Not Vizzini. I need the man in black. FEZZIK What? INIGO Look. He bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and the man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go. FEZZIK Where? INIGO To find the man in black, obviously. FEZZIK But you don't know where he is. INIGO Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight! ----- HUMPERDINCK Rise and report. GILLIAN The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate. HUMPERDINCK Double it. My princess must be safe. GILLIAN The gate has but one key, and I carry that. HUMPERDINCK Ah, my dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon. BUTTERCUP Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. Every ship but the four you sent. HUMPERDINCK Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four. GILLIAN Your Majesty. BUTTERCUP You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway. HUMPERDINCK You're a silly girl. BUTTERCUP Yes, I am a silly girl for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear. HUMPERDINCK I would not say such things if I were you. BUTTERCUP Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth! HUMPERDINCK I would not say such things if I were you! ----- HUMPERDINCK You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. RUGEN Not to fifty! ----- INIGO Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The man in black makes it now. FEZZIK The man in black? INIGO His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has the cause for ultimate suffering? Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik, please... FEZZIK Everybody move! INIGO Thank you. ----- INIGO Where is the man in black? You get there from this grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory. FEZZIK I'm sorry Inigo, I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo? INIGO Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my sword. ----- FEZZIK He's dead. INIGO It just is no fair. GRANDSON Grandpa, Grandpa, wait. Wait. What did Fezzik mean, ``He's dead''? I mean, he didn't mean dead? Westley's only faking, right? GRANDPA You want me to read this or not? GRANDSON Who gets Humperdinck? GRANDPA I don't understand. GRANDSON Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end, somebody's gotta do it. Is it Inigo, who? GRANDPA Nobody. Nobody kills him, he lives. GRANDSON You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for? GRANDPA You know, you, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now. GRANDSON No, I, I'm okay, I'm okay. Sit down. I'm alright. GRANDPA Okay. Alright now, let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah. In the Pit of Despair. INIGO The Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along Fezzik, bring the body. FEZZIK The body? INIGO Have you any money? FEZZIK I have a little. INIGO I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all. ----- MAX Go away! What, what? INIGO Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years? MAX The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! ...Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad! FEZZIK I'm on the brute squad. MAX You are the brute squad. INIGO We need a miracle. It's very important. MAX Look, I'm retired, and besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle. INIGO He is already dead. MAX He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. ...I've seen worse. INIGO Sir. Sir? MAX Eh? INIGO We're in a terrible rush. MAX Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money? INIGO Sixty-five. MAX Pssh! I never work for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause. INIGO This is noble, sir. His wife is a cripple. The children are on the brink of starvation. MAX Are you a rotten liar. INIGO I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years. MAX Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, ah? Well, I'll ask him. INIGO He's dead, he can't talk. MAX Ooh, look who knows so much, ah? Well it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. All dead... Well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do. INIGO What's that? MAX Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Hey! Hello in there! Hey, what's so important? Whatcha got here that's worth living for? WESTLEY True... love. INIGO True love, you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that. MAX Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love them. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, ``To blave'' and as we all know, ``To blave'' means to bluff. Heh? So you were probably playing cards and he cheated. VALERIE Liar! Liar! Liar! MAX Get back, witch! VALERIE I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I wanna be that anymore! MAX You never had it so good. VALERIE True love, he said true love, Max. MAX Don't say another word, Valerie. VALERIE He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered. MAX Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name! VALERIE What, Humperdinck? MAX Yah! VALERIE Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! MAX I'm not listening! VALERIE Life expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help! MAX Nobody's hearin' nothin'. VALERIE Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!... INIGO This is Buttercup's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding! MAX Sha! Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers? INIGO Humiliations galore. MAX Ha ha ha! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job! ----- INIGO That's a miracle pill? VALERIE The chocolate coating makes it go down easier but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency and you shouldn't go in swimming after for at least, what? MAX An, an hour. VALERIE Yeah, an hour. MAX A good hour. Yeah. INIGO Thank you for everything. MAX Okay. VALERIE Bye bye, boys. MAX Have fun stormin' the castle! VALERIE Think it'll work? MAX It would take a miracle. Goodbye! ----- FEZZIK Inigo! There's more than thirty! INIGO What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him. FEZZIK Has it been fifteen minutes? INIGO We can't wait. Wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. FEZZIK How long do we have to wait before if we know the miracle works? INIGO Your guess is as good as mine. WESTLEY I'll beat you each apart! I'll take you both together! FEZZIK I guess not very long. WESTLEY Why won't my arms move? FEZZIK You've been mostly dead all day. INIGO We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back. WESTLEY Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup? INIGO Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape. After I kill Count Rugen. WESTLEY That doesn't leave much time for dillydallying. FEZZIK You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful! WESTLEY I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities? INIGO There is but one working castle gate. ...And it is guarded by... sixty men. WESTLEY And our assets? INIGO Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel. WESTLEY That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this... FEZZIK You just shook your head. That doesn't make you happy? WESTLEY My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy, hm? Now if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something. INIGO Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had? FEZZIK Well, with the albino, I think. WESTLEY Well why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak. INIGO There we cannot help you. FEZZIK Will this do? INIGO Where did you get that? FEZZIK At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it. WESTLEY Alright, alright, come on, help me up. Now I'll need a sword eventually... INIGO Why? You can't even lift one. WESTLEY True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now. There may be problems once we're inside. INIGO I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape? FEZZIK Don't pester him. He's had a hard day. INIGO Right, right. Sorry. FEZZIK Inigo? INIGO What? FEZZIK I hope we win. ----- HUMPERDINCK You don't seem excited, my little muffet. BUTTERCUP Should I be? HUMPERDINCK Brides often are, I'm told. BUTTERCUP I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me. ----- IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togevah today. Mawwage, vat bwessed awwangement, vat dweam wivin a dweam. GILLIAN (outside) Stand your ground men! Stand your ground! ----- GILLIAN Stand your ground! FEZZIK I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors! INIGO Now? WESTLEY Not yet. FEZZIK My men are here, I am here, but soon you will not be here. INIGO Now? WESTLEY Light him. FEZZIK The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true! ----- THE IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN Then wuv, twue wuv will follow you fowever... ----- FEZZIK The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls. ----- THE IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN So tweasure your wuv... HUMPERDINCK Skip to the end. THE IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN Have you ve wing? BUTTERCUP Here comes my Westley now. ----- WESTLEY Fezzik, the portcullis! ----- HUMPERDINCK Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself. BUTTERCUP Then why is there fear behind your eyes? ----- WESTLEY Give us the gate key. GILLIAN I have no gate key. INIGO Fezzik, tear his arms off. GILLIAN Oh, you mean this gate key. ----- THE IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN And do you, Pwincess Buttercwup... HUMPERDINCK ``Man and wife''! Say ``man and wife''! THE IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN Man and wife. HUMPERDINCK Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly. BUTTERCUP He didn't come. ----- RUGEN Kill the dark one and the giant but leave the third for questioning. INIGO Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. ...Fezzik! I need you! FEZZIK I can't leave him alone. INIGO He's getting away from me Fezzik! Please! FEZZIK Be right back. INIGO Thank you. ----- KING Strange wedding. QUEEN Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along. KING What was that for? BUTTERCUP 'Cause you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite. KING Won't that be nice. She kissed me! ----- INIGO Sorry father. I tried. I tried. RUGEN You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous. ----- WESTLEY There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours. BUTTERCUP Westley! Oh, Westley darling! Westley, why won't you hold me? WESTLEY Gently. BUTTERCUP At a time like this that's all you can think to say? ``Gently''? WESTLEY Gently! ----- RUGEN Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday. INIGO Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. ...Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. ...Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die! RUGEN Stop saying that! INIGO Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die! RUGEN No! INIGO Offer me money. RUGEN Yes. INIGO Power too. Promise me that. RUGEN All that I have and more. Please. INIGO Offer me everything I ask for. RUGEN Anything you want. INIGO I want my father back, you son of a bitch. ----- BUTTERCUP Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me? WESTLEY What hideous sin have you committed lately? BUTTERCUP I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast. WESTLEY Never happened. BUTTERCUP What? WESTLEY Never happened. BUTTERCUP But it did. I was there. This old man said ``man and wife''. WESTLEY Did you say ``I do''? BUTTERCUP Uh, no. Sort of skipped that part. WESTLEY Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness? HUMPERDINCK A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death. WESTLEY No! To the pain. HUMPERDINCK I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. WESTLEY I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. HUMPERDINCK That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. WESTLEY It won't be the last. ``To the pain'' means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose. HUMPERDINCK And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. WESTLEY I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right. HUMPERDINCK And then my ears. I understand. Let's get on with it! WESTLEY Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child that's seen your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, ``Dear God, what is that thing?'' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what ``to the pain'' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. HUMPERDINCK I think you're bluffing. WESTLEY It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. ...Drop your sword. Have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. INIGO Where's Fezzik? WESTLEY I thought he was with you. INIGO No. WESTLEY In that case-- INIGO Help him. BUTTERCUP Why does Westley need helping? INIGO Because he has no strength. HUMPERDINCK I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing. INIGO Shall I dispatch him for you? WESTLEY Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice. FEZZIK (outside) Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Ah, there you are. Inigo, I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were: four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello lady! So I took them with me in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did. INIGO Fezzik, you did something right. FEZZIK Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. INIGO You know, is very strange. I've been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. WESTLEY Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. GRANDPA ``They rode to freedom, and as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other--'' GRANDSON What? What? GRANDPA Nah, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that. GRANDSON Well, I don't mind so much. GRANDPA Okay. ``Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.'' Now I think you ought to go to sleep. GRANDSON Okay. GRANDPA Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. So long. GRANDSON Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow. GRANDPA As you wish.