The Theatre Technician's Bible

Genesis

  In the beginning was the Stage, and the Stage was without
  lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the
  actors.  And the TD said, "Let there be lights!"  And the
  Techies worked and wired, and there were lights:
  spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting, yea,
  lights of all shapes, sizes and hues.  And the TD saw the
  lights, that they were well-aimed and focused and gelled
  according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on
  the faces of the actors, and it was good.  And the evening
  and the morning were the First Day.

  And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although
  they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and
  had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity.  And the
  TD said, "Let there be a set!"  And the Techies scrambled
  and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons
  and stairs and furniture of various types and sizes, each
  according to the need.  And the actors did walk within the
  set, and did have a place to be.  And the TD saw the set,
  and it was good, and the evening and the morning were
  the Second Day.

  And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a
  place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved
  their hands, clutched at open air, and struck at each
  other with nothing.  And in his heart, the TD was moved to
  pity.  And the TD said, "Let there be props!"  And the
  Techies worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there
  were props.  And the TD saw the props, and they were good, 
  and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

  And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they
  did go forth upon the set in blue jeans, and the Costumer
  knew that this would not do.  And the Costumer said, "Let
  there be costumes!"  And the Techies did sew and shape,
  and there were costumes, each sized to the actor,
  according to the play, and in keeping with the role.  And
  no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans. And the
  Costumer saw the costumes, and that they were good, and
  the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

  And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did
  wait in silence, and was moved to pity.  And the TD said,
  "Let there be sound!"  And the Techies worked and taped and
  played, and there were sounds, each according to its place
  and cue, all to the proper levels.  And the TD heard the
  sounds, and they were good, and the evening and the
  morning were the Fifth Day.

  And lo, all these works were completed in five days,
  showing that if God had used sufficient Techies in the
  first place, He would have finished sooner.

Proverbs

  Behold, my son, here is wisdom.  Pay heed to these words,
  and the days of they play, in the hours of thy performing,
  thou shalt not be caught short.  For truly, it is said,
  pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make
  them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on
  old, to thine own self be true.

  I.    Give not unto an actor his props before their time,
        for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and
        set in the West, he shall lose or break them.

  II.   When told the placement of props by the Director,
	write not these things in ink upon thy script, for
	as surely as the winds shall blow, so shall the
        Director change his mind.

  III.  Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow
        of thought and easily confused.

  IV.   Speak not in the language of the Techies to the
        actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not
        perceive thy meaning.

  V.    Tap not on the head of a nail to drive it, but strike
        it firmly with thy strength.
 
  VI.   Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you
        shall party.

  VII.  Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you
        shall strike and party.

  VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong.  If it
        appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood 
	him the first time.

  IX.   Leave not the area of the stage during the play to
        go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you
	do, you will be in danger of missing your cues and
	being summarily executed, or worse.

  X.    Beware of actors during scene changes, for they are
        not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

  XI.   Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will
        stand and watch and get crushed.

  XII.  Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for
        the proper moment to do so.

  XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles, they are
        as children, and must be led with gentle kindness.
	Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.

  XIV.  Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director
        as to how things should be done, then do them the
	right way.  In the days of thy work, he will give
	thee wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.

  XV.   And above all else, get carried not away with the
        glowtape, or thy stage will look like unto an
	airport.

Words To The Techies

  My friends, be deceived not by deluded actors masquerading
  as Techies.  Remember the signs by which thou shall
  know a true Techie: they move softly during scene changes,
  not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and
  are aware of what is happening; they can speak with
  knowledge of tools; they respect one another's jobs and
  aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.
  
  Remember always that thou art a Techie, born to walk the
  dark places of the stage and to know the secret ways of
  thy equipment.  To your hands it is given to mold the
  dreams and thoughts of those that watch and to make the
  stage a separate place and time.  Seek not, as do the
  actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though
  they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does
  truly depend on you to shape the dreams that they would
  show.

  Remember also that as they depend on you, you exist only
  to aid them.  Remember that thou art a team, for thou
  shall party together.