From: rbk@sequent.com (Bob Beck) Subject: Joke Submission I hope you find this useful - I found it hilarious when my friend related the story ... A friend was trying to describe some of the "facts of life" to his 15 year old son... "It's a fact of life... Males are born with 2 heads, but only enough blood to operate one at a time!" = = = = = = = Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix From: savarese%genesis.uucp@gte.com (Dave Savarese) Subject: joke Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died. = = = = = = = From: scrl@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Simon Lewis) Subject: Prostitution at Disney Heard on the BBC's "Have I got News for You" programme... It seems prostitutes have already moved into the hotels at the new EuroDisney resort outside Paris. Apparently the cost is $50 to do it Goofy style, or $100 for a straight Donald Duck. = = = = = = = From: Two things never trust: Politicians and angle trisectors. Subject: Atheist's Manifesto [Original, but from a friend who doesn't want to be identified :] Atheist's Manifesto: "Kill 'em all, and let nobody sort 'em out." = = = = = = = From: barach@hal.com (David Barach) Subject: workstations are like toothbrushes "Workstations are like toothbrushes. Nobody else may use mine, especially not while I'm using it!" - Robbert Van Renesse, during his talk at the Usenix Microkernel Workshop. = = = = = = = From: mdavis@engr.Trinity.EDU (M. Davis) Subject: Cooks' names This was told to me by a friend: His mother was apparently watching an old western movie with a friend, and this friend asked if cooks in the old west were all called "Cookie". My friends mother replied, "No, not all of them. Some were called Bernie." -Matt Davis = = = = = = = From: N.R.Ellis@durham.ac.uk (NigelR. Ellis) q: What's the difference between hardware and software ? a: You can kick the hardware..... = = = = = = = From: auwen@starman.convex.com (John David Auwen) Subject: joke submission (heard it) Q. Why should you always take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing? A. Because if you only take 1, he'll drink all your beer! = = = = = = = From: jmurphy@DaVinci.soe.uoguelph.ca (Jim Murphy) Subject: office one-liner, definition of stress Some office one-liners from various anonymous sources collected over the past 5 years or so. ********************************************************************* No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. If it works, don't fix it! If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. People with narrow mind usually have broad tongues. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. All work and no play, will may you a manager. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it! I like your approach, now let's see your departure. Definition of Stress: That confusion that results when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. = = = = = = = From: N.R.Ellis@durham.ac.uk (NigelR. Ellis) Subject: Animal Joke Origin: Sharon Bennett (s.l.bennet@durham.ac.uk) Submitted-By: Nigel Ellis (N.R.Ellis@durham.ac.uk) Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ? A: Half a dog... Nigel. = = = = = = = From: 94FC@williams.edu (fIREHOSE) Subject: golfing If you are ever caught in a thunderstorm while playing golf, the best way to keep from being struck by lightening is to pull out a 9-iron and hold it above your head, because not even God can hit a 9-iron. = = = = = = = From: U25042@UICVM.UIC.EDU (Bob Jackiewicz ) Subject: Teamsters Heard on WLUP in Chicago... What do Teamsters and sperm have in common? Only 1 in 1000 work. = = = = = = = From: rice@bulean.enet.dec.com (Tim Rice - DTN 226-7197 04-May-1992 1526) Subject: Marines are like bananas This was told to be eons ago by a Navy Chief: Marines are like bananas; they're born green; they turn yellow; and they die in bunches. = = = = = = = From: drl@vuse.vanderbilt.edu Subject: heard it, sexual Have you heard of an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, but it comes from down under. = = = = = = = From: MCGARRAH%CITADEL1.BITNET@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu Subject: Psychic powers (From Dennis Owens, the morning drive-time host of WGMS (radio)in Washington, DC) "All of you out there who believe in telepathy, raise your hand." "All right. Now, everyone who believes in telekinesis...raise MY hand." = = = = = = = From: sater@cs.vu.nl ( Hans van Staveren) Subject: Street gang objectives Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member? A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable. = = = = = = = From: kwm@cs.umb.edu (Kevin W. McAuley) Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED * do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? chevyn * if cigarettes are the leading cause of most household fires in america, why do so many firemen smoke? chevyn = = = = = = = From: gtephx!forda@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Andrew Ford) Subject: Stealth Recovery Heard on NPR (National Public Radio) - either "All Things Considered" or "The Marketplace" [In reference to the economic recovery that the White House proclaiming] "Yeah, I guess you could call this a 'Stealth Recovery,' most of us will never notice it!" = = = = = = = Organization: University of Oslo, Institute of Informatics From: rmz@ifi.uio.no (Bj|rn Remseth) Subject: Pretty girls in X bacground windows Original (I think). Q: Why does so many computer nerds have pictures of beautiful girls in their X background windows? A: That's the only way they will ever have a chance to point at a pretty girl and say "She's my X girlfriend" = = = = = = = From: rw@rational.com (Bob Weissman) Subject: PC-DOS joke A guy I know has C:\BELFRY in his PATH on his PC. Why? Because that's where he keeps his .BATs. = = = = = = = From: vyxter@ftp.com (Vicki Streiff) Subject: original, brief Simon says: don't be so suggestible. = = = = = = = From: ed@wente.llnl.gov (Ed Suranyi) Subject: Benny Hill As far as I know the following one-liner was made up by my friend Eric Altshuler: Benny Hill: the master of the single entendre. = = = = = = = Organization: Informix Software, Inc. From: billd@infmx.UUCP (William Daul) Subject: Ultimate RISC Machine To Be Announced I will be building the ultimate RISC machine. I have reduced the instruction set to only two instructions: ON OFF = = = = = = = From: elrod@ocf.Berkeley.EDU (Edward L. Rodriguez) Subject: beer hierarchy If Budweiser is the King of Beers, then Coors is surely _Der Fuhrer_. Original =) = = = = = = = From: jfh@rpp386.cactus.org (John F Haugh II) Subject: Cure for baldness If masturbation makes you grow hair on your palms, why don't bald men just rub their dick on their head? = = = = = = = From: bpaley@shearson.com (Brad Paley) Subject: occult, black humor (original) I've started an apocrophal story about the validity of palm reading: A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five, that his life line was extremely short. When he tried to lengthen it (with his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death. = = = = = = = Subject: Michaelangelo virus (smirk) From: rlb7h@rlbsun.ee.virginia.edu (Robert L. Blackburn) Heard on NPR's Morning Edition on Friday, March 6, concerning the Michaelangelo computer virus: Michaelangelo .... the rogue program, which conforms to the IBM standard, ... IBM has a standard for viruses? = = = = = = = From: drl@vuse.vanderbilt.edu Subject: Re: A Sad Life Here is an original thought (pun) in the same vein as a recent post: >> From: georgem@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Georgy) >> Subject: A Sad Life >> Message-ID: >> >> You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and >> says,"Let's just be friends." You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get around to you. = = = = = = = From: pvsury@drl.mobil.com (P. V. R. Suryanarayana) Subject: Joke "In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy" (Source: Barry Farber, quoted in the Journal of Petroleum Technology) -Suri = = = = = = = Subject: Michelangelo virus question From: rob@spot.colorado.edu (Rob Cuthbertson) Why would anyone name a computer virus after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? (Seen in a miscellaneus column in the back of the Rocky Mountain News) Project: To determine what makes things tick. Plan: ....to stop the ticking. = = = = = = = Subject: Mike Tyson Joke From: wbbennet@eos.ncsu.edu Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial? "In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!" = = = = = = = From: palmerc@abulafia.ingr.com (Christopher M. Palmer) Subject: Politically Correct Terms This is original: I came up with a new Politically Correct term, Religiously Impaired Unfortunately, I don't know if it applies to atheists or fundamentalists. = = = = = = = From: lee@puck.mport.com Subject: Respect for the Law Whil topping off my gas tank at a California self-service gas station this morning, a policeman next to me remarked "You know it's illegal to top off your tank here." I replied, "I had my eggs over easy this morning too. Lock me up before I start tearing off mattress tags!" = = = = = = = From: andrewm@zooid.UUCP (Andrew McCallum) Subject: Mother of all FAQ's This is an origional that I came up with about 2 hours and 32.3 minuits ago. It has to be the biggest Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) on the net. "Is this an FAQ?" = = = = = = = From: rodney@math.toronto.edu Subject: Overheard at a party this past weekend in Montreal Peter: ... what did you take? A: I was in history. Peter: Why did you stop? A: I found history to be a waste of time. = = = = = = = From: n8735053@henson.cc.wwu.edu (Iain) Subject: Wayne's world in RUSSIA. Did you you know that Saturday Night Live's 'Waynes World' skit is the one number one most watched TV comedy in Russia ? NYET! = = = = = = = From: kmoore@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore) Subject: Sex in a VW? What do you call having sex in the back seat of a Volkswagen? Fahrvegnookie. = = = = = = = From: ingham@triton.unm.edu (Kenneth Ingham) Subject: a mixed up order Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture? Ovary 2: No, why do you ask? Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door. = = = = = = = From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan) Subject: Hubble quip. Original quip on the space telescope we all like so much. A few articles were posted in sci.astro.hubble but nobody could read them. = = = = = = = From: sybase!jeff@sun.com (Jeff Ranstrom) Subject: political theory One claim for the value of the British monarchy is that its existence precludes anyone from aspiring to absolute rule. I have a theory that the American presidency serves a similar purpose, precluding anyone from managing the government. = = = = = = = From: Lane_Molpus@next.com Subject: Religious Intolerance Told by my doctor: "Religious intolerance is getting to be a greater problem in this country. I understand some Unitarians were caught burning question marks on people's front lawns." = = = = = = = From: bobl@cs.ubc.ca (Bob Lewis) Subject: Sophie's Choice Potato Chips (This one is original, if a little dated.) Have you heard about "Sophie's Choice" Potato Chips? They're small, but you can only take one. = = = = = = = Subject: Paul Tsongas From: barach@hal.com (David Barach) Heard this morning on National Public Radio: Paul Tsongas, Greek for "None of the Above..." = = = = = = = From: dz@desktalk.com (Dave Zobel) Subject: Another plate-licking dog joke The joke about "as clean as Soap and Water could get them" reminds me of what my friend Mark Carlson used to say as he sat down to eat: (rubs hands, inhales appreciatively) "Ah -- a meal fit for a king!" (looks around) "Here, King!" -- Dave Zobel, DeskTalk Systems Inc., Torrance CA USA = = = = = = = From: mirk@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor) Subject: definition (original) Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. = = = = = = = From: esmith@psych.purdue.edu (Eliot Smith) Bush: The only President to have a league named after him! = = = = = = = Organization: National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) From: pescator@brutus.ncsl.nist.gov (John Pescatore) Subject: Obsolesence(sp?) >From a speech by Ray Albers, assistant VP for Technology Planning at Bell AtlaAtlantic, made at last week's ComNet convention here in Washington DC: "If it works, it must be obsolete." = = = = = = = From: fabrice@sj.ate.slb.com (Fabrice Le Metayer) Subject: Definition of "Foreign Aid" Seen on soc.culture.thai : for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. = = = = = = = From: jacob@tcsi.tcs.com (Jacob Butcher) Subject: JFK The other day someone asked me what I thought about the JFK assassination. I replied "There was a coverup. It worked."... ~jacob = = = = = = = From: fbm@ptcburp.ptcbu.oz.au This one turned up on the FAX network the other day (that's right, FAX!). I hope it is not thought of as racist - it is not intended to be. I'll leave it up to your judgement. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Job vacancy advertisment. Wanted: small black man for job as a mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel. = = = = = = = Organization: STB BBS, La, Ca, 310 397 3137 From: michael@stb.info.com (Michael Gersten) Subject: Re: A Philosophical Truth This reminds me of one I heard, attributed to Santa Monica High... Final exam in philosophy: "Prove that the chair on the desk does not exist". Student turned in "What chair?" and got an A. Michael = = = = = = = From: rostrom@perdita.gac.edu (Rebecca M Ostrom) Subject: necrophiliacs I heard this from my play director. I'm not sure where he got it. Dear necrophiliacs We love you. --The Grateful Dead = = = = = = = Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA From: cs218a57@cs.iastate.edu (Turbo) Subject: Men are great What makes a man think he's so great -He has a bellybutton that won't work. -He has tits that won't give milk. -He has a cock that won't crow. -He has balls that won't roll. -He has as ass that won't carry a thing. = = = = = = = From: hughes@ral.rpi.edu (Declan Hughes) Subject: Joke Have you heard about the new Super Sensitive condoms ?, they hang about after the man leaves and talk to the woman. This came from the comedienne Elayne Boosler. Declan Hughes hughes@ral.rpi.edu = = = = = = = From: ROsman%ASS%SwRI05@d26vs046a.ccf.swri.edu Subject: Speak clearly and ... A quote heard today on the radio (NPR, U.S. National Public Radio) and relayed by a friend. Attributed to Neils Bohr: Don't ever speak more clearly than you think... = = = = = = = From: ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley) Subject: Strange Definitions Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before. Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before. = = = = = = = From: wozny@spot.colorado.edu (Christopher Wozny) Subject: Bush's legacy from Reagan I realized this morning why Reagan and Bush were such a good combination. We called Reagan the Teflon President. Given the way Bush continually changes his mind on the issues based on current political pressures, he must be the Waffle President. = = = = = = = From: denelsbe@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck) Subject: Philosophical contracting Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower? A: Deconstruction workers. --------- Kev @ UNC (came up with the joke) Pete @ UNC (explained the joke to Kev @ UNC) = = = = = = = From: mhg@dugong.cc.uq.oz.au (Miles H Gillham) Subject: Cinderella Heard from a friend while commuting... Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad soccer player? A. She keeps running away from the ball! Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad tennis player? A. Her coach is a pumpkin! = = = = = = = From: TMAEHL@vax1.umkc.edu Subject: Wayne's World Programming Guide, original Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide: A == B; !; ("A equals B. Not!") = = = = = = = From: jonesm@cerf.net (Matthew Jones) Subject: You know your really somebody ... This is an origonal as far as I know. "You know your really somebody in the software world when Richard Stallman complains about you having a gratuitous patent." = = = = = = = Subject: Auto repair scandals From: stevo@elroy.jpl.nasa.gov (Steve Groom) A short letter to the editor published in the Saturday, June 20 1992 edition of the Los Angeles Times: I didn't get burned on my last auto repair bill. I got Seared. = = = = = = = From: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix) Subject: Ah, parenthood Phil, on Murphy Brown, philosophizing about having children: "Teenagers--God's punishment for enjoying sex." = = = = = = = From: parmet@cs.cornell.edu (Marc Parmet) Subject: Country-Western song? From the Larry King show: A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. = = = = = = = Organization: Eastern's Public Access BBS, Toronto CAN From: brent-b@eastern.com (Brent McNamee) I saw this on a local BBS (Toronto, Ontario) today: HEADLINE! EXTRA EXTRA!!! ------------------------ ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED!! Police charge him with battery!! = = = = = = = From: CORSON.BERTON@west-la.va.gov Author: Unknown Submitted by: Berton Corson 5280397@mcimail.com Diner: Waiter! There's a footprint in my breakfast. Waiter: Well, I don't see what the problem is. You ordered an omelet and told me to step on it! = = = = = = = From: rvanders@bonnie.ics.uci.edu Subject: Pearl Harbor I heard this from an old high school teacher of mine: BOY: You want to play Pearl Harbor? GIRL: OK. How do you play? BOY: I'll lie down and be Pearl Harbor, and you come along and blow the hell out of me. = = = = = = = Organization: California State University, Sacramento From: arthurc@sfsuvax1.sfsu.edu (Arthur Chandler) Subject: W Allen gem Here's a nice one from Woody Allen (don't know the exact source): Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. -- Woody Allen = = = = = = = From: elr%trintex (Unix Guru-in-Training) Subject: California Socializing From the currently running off-Broadway play "I-Land": Q: Why do Californians have car accidents? A: So they can meet their neighbors. = = = = = = = From: cazabon@hercules.cs.uregina.ca (Chuck Cazabon--Film Maker=) Subject: Computer Text Humour (I'm a Canuck) Heard (or rather, seen) on a local BBS signoff message... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. = = = = = = = Subject: Bush and Quayle... From: willcr@ivy.isc.com (Will Crowder) Seen on a bumper sticker: BUSH AND QUAYLE JUST SAY NOE! = = = = = = = From: rempel@skdad.usask.ca Subject: ethernet & income statement Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement? A: A local area networth. = = = = = = = From: fadden@uts.amdahl.com (Andy McFadden) Subject: Meow Ever notice that "cat the output to 'time'" makes more sense if you read it backwards? - Andy = = = = = = = From: jdevlin%pollux.usc.edu@usc.edu (Joseph T. Devlin) Subject: True, radio The morning djs on KROQ 106.7 in Los Angeles have written a country tune which they call "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except Mine." - Joe = = = = = = = Subject: Perot Pullout From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437) Subject: Perot Pullout Source: Overheard at a Rotary Club meeting. Now that Perot has withdrawn from the presidential race, he's being called The Yellow Ross of Texas. = = = = = = = From: hausner@qucis.queensu.ca (Alejo Hausner) Subject: Olympia and York, Reichmanns, Canary Wharf I heard this on the "Royal Canadian Air Farce": Olympia and York, known as O & Y, or "Oy vey". = = = = = = = From: frechett@spot.Colorado.EDU Subject: Semi Religious Joke This was seen on a Bumper Sticker Pass the Word. Eat a Bible. = = = = = = = From: alailima@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (The WILD Samoan) Subject: New bumper sticker idea Inspired by Brown's "Take Back America". I'd like to see this on somebody's bumper: TAKE AMERICA BACK! We want a refund! = = = = = = = From: ag3l+@andrew.cmu.edu (Arun K. Gupta) Subject: Regarding meetings... `Committee' was the spelling decided upon by the first komiti. = = = = = = = From: dvk@sei.cmu.edu (Daniel V. Klein) Subject: One liner If Unix is so damn useful, why is "no" in /usr/dict/words, but "yes" isn't? = = = = = = = From: mcintyre@cs.rpi.edu (David McIntyre) Subject: Mike Tyson Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex? Mace. = = = = = = = From: robger@intellistor.com (Robert Gerovski) The Soviet news agency TAS reported that one of the leaders of the failed Soviet coup committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. He died after the third bullet entered his head. = = = = = = = From: sinteur@ooc.uva.nl (John Sinteur) Subject: USSR This is third or fourth hand, so I cannot tell you the source. It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics. = = = = = = = From: PES@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu (Paul Speicher) Subject: Pascal Why is Pascal a five cent language? . . . . That's how much a Nicholas Wirth (Niklaus Wirth) (nickel is worth). = = = = = = = From: richardm@runx.oz.au (Richard Murnane) Subject: A new (?) dumb blonde joke... Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley? A: The trolley has a mind of its own. = = = = = = = Organization: The Wizzard's Cave, East Meadow, NY From: uunet.uu.net!utoday!jaflrn.uucp!watmath!uunet.uu.net!jaflrn!jaf@watmath (Jon Freivald) Subject: Overheard a secretary saying...: I overheard one of the secretaries in the office saying: God I love it here... Why do I work here!? Because I'm too old for a paper route Too young for social security and too tired to have an affair... = = = = = = = From: anlhille@cochiti.ucs.indiana.edu (Guess who?) Subject: Seen in Newsweek 11-25-91 "VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best." -- A microscopic message on the silicon chip inside one of Digital Equipment's often stolen computer designs. = = = = = = = From: kiisaka@csi.uottawa.ca (Ken Iisaka) Subject: Topical, USSR, original With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an inverted U. This is original. -- Ken Iisaka kiisaka@csi.uottawa.ca (613)564-8155 Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (613)789-2932 (voice/fax) Le Laboratoire de l'intelligence artificielle Universite d'/of Ottawa, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada (Espace a louer) = = = = = = = From: Rich.Vitale@east.sun.com (Rich Vitale - Sun BOS Product Assurance) Subject: pumpkin I heard this on WBCN in Boston last week: Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do. = = = = = = = From: lloyd@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au (lloyd allison) Subject: terminally bad taste Why do you go around telling everyone that you are dying of AIDS when you are really dying of Cancer? Because I don't want anyone screwing my wife when I'm dead. from Rodney Rude, Australian comedian (?) 4/12/91 = = = = = = = Subject: Michael Jackson (original) From: weitzman@ely.cambridge.oracorp.com (Adam Weitzman) Michael Jackson - "Black Or White" Good question. = = = = = = = Subject: What the Dems wanted for Christmas From: RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) (Adapted from an editorial cartoon:) This year's hottest Christmas gift was the Mario Cuomo doll. You wind it up, and it doesn't run. = = = = = = = Subject: Post holiday diet joke From: kiisaka@csi.uottawa.ca (Ken Iisaka) My friend, Duncan Bailey said: People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. = = = = = = = Subject: Pee Wee, Chuckle, Topical, original From: salzberg@sunquakes.geol.binghamton.edu (David Salzberg) As we enter the New Year, newspapers across the country are running lists of what is in and what is out for 1992. In my local paper, the "in" column included Pee Wee Herman. It is amazing what a little exposure wil do for some peoples career. = = = = = = = Subject: Bush illness From: dbrooks@osf.org ( David Brooks, Open Software Foundation ) Original. At a dinner in Japan yesterday, President Bush threw up and passed out. This was caused by a mixup in the kitchens; that plate had been intended for Lee Iacocca. = = = = = = = Subject: Spring semester advice From: denelsbe@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck) This is courtesy of a friend and classmate, Charles Kurak. I thought it might be especially appropriate for those of us just beginning new semesters of work: Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail." = = = = = = = From: Christian.Collberg@dna.lth.se (Christian S. Collberg) Subject: Politicians From the Tulanian, the Tulane alumna magazine: Politicians are like bananas: They're green when you pick 'em, ant then they hang around in bunches and get rotten. = = = = = = = From: kmoore@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore) Subject: New Ahnuld Movie This IS an original, by the bye... Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the lives of the world's great composers. The movie has Steven Seagal set to play Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie got wind of the project, he said... "I'll be Bach" = = = = = = = From: shaffer@garnet.berkeley.edu (Scott Shaffer) Subject: New Michael Jackson album Q: Do you know why the new Michael Jackson album is called "Dangerous"? A: Because the record company execs couldn't spell "Androgynous". = = = = = = = From: whos@ddsw1.mcs.com (Ben Feen) Subject: Grapes of Wrath Russian Style During a hard period in Soviet history, the government showed _The_Grapes_Of_ _Wrath_ to the citizens, in an effort to show how much worse the United States was. All the citizens saw was that even the poorest Americans owned cars. = = = = = = = From: ssurf@agora.rain.com (Russ Nelson) Subject: Love those roots Define: KleptoPyroHomoNecroNymphoBestiality Answer: Anal sex with a stolen flaming road-kill Told to me by a friend, original by her. = = = = = = = From: hugh@cs.kun.nl (Hugh Osborne) Subject: New World Order I found the following in talk.politics.soviet, posted by conrad@tharr.UUCP (Conrad Longmore). I'm assuming that his posting it put it in the public domain. I have paraphrased. It seems an obvious joke, but I've not heard it before. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Question: What is the "New World Order"? Answer: Simple. The "New World Order" is where the New World gives all the orders. = = = = = = = From: chai@hawk.cs.ukans.edu (Your friendly neighbourhood Lab GTA) Subject: a suggestion to mapmakers I just came back from Wal-mart. One of the gift items they had were these nice globes of the earth. I noted that they had painted Germany as one country already, but the Baltics, and of course, the Ukraine, were still painted as part of USSR. They really ought to sell those with this packet of stickers -- one for each S.S.R., so that as they break off, you could paste them in. = = = = = = = From: mikeehli@cie.uoregon.edu (Mike Ehli) Subject: Safe government II As a followup to the joke: "Practice safe government--use kingdoms" One of my anarchist friends commented: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure. = = = = = = = From: EIVERSO@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson) Subject: Long Dong Silver (original one liner) I hear Long Dong Silver is quite upset about his name being mentioned in such a disreputable place as the United States Senate. = = = = = = = From: EIVERSO@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson) Subject: Brevity is the soul of wit (original one liner) You've probably heard "brevity is the soul of wit," but have you heard "gravity is the soul of weight?" = = = = = = = From: PJB4288@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS) Subject: A Star Trek joke What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a politician? Someone in Washington who might actually get something done! = = = = = = = From: m90rjw@ecs.oxford.ac.uk Subject: Joke Submission Heard this one from a mate recently: Q) What's green and takes ten minutes to drink? A) A Grant Cheque = = = = = = = From: hickernell@nwaces.enet.dec.com (Dave Hickernell, DTN 264-2031, MKO1-2/H13 26-Sep-1991 1423) Subject: PC horny OK, guys, we're no longer horny. The Politically Correct term is "vaginally challenged". [courtesy of my brother-in-law, Ron Howland] = = = = = = = From: shihsun@phoenix.princeton.edu (S. Spencer Sun) Subject: another fortune cookie thing California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran = = = = = = = From: brighton@phuket.UUCP (Bill Carson) Subject: "Banned Books" week [ it is original - just thought of it. ] Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time - Shoot the book burners. = = = = = = = From: gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr) Subject: Yugoslavian ceasefire Yugoslavian ceasefire [noun]: Unit of time, roughly equal to the time it take to reload a gun. Source: "Ny Tid" (Norwegian Weekly). = = = = = = = From: bi299aq@sdcc6.ucsd.edu (Phyllis Pugh) Subject: Irish Perverts (may be offensive ...) As told to me by my favorite Irish priest: Q: What do you call an Irish pervert? A: An Irishman who prefers sex to whiskey. = = = = = = = From: molly@rolf.stat.uga.edu Subject: joke Q: How do you make holy water? A: Take ordinary water and boil the HELL out of it. = = = = = = = From: fsmarc@tristero.lerc.nasa.gov (Marc Cooper) Subject: Freudian slip (So far as I know, this is original..) Psychotherapy- A long, drawn out process consisting of subtle probings of the human mind, whereby women are blamed for all of Freud's shortcomings. = = = = = = = From: dbw@crash.cts.com (David B. Whiteman) Subject: Judge Thomas Joke Original joke, bt I am sure someone else will come up with a similar punchline. While watching the Senate hearings on TV I realized all that the Senate is trying to do is figure out whether 42 year old Judge Clarence Thomas is over the Hill. = = = = = = = From: das@voodoo.boeing.com (Deb Schwartz) Subject: Good Advertising Seen on the side of an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts". = = = = = = = From: garyk@hpldslx2.sid.hp.com (Gary Koerzendorfer) Subject: I'm sure they laughed when they wrote this - Headline in the Oct. 15 edition of the Wall Street Journal: "Restaurants Beef Up Vegetarian Menus" = = = = = = = From: gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr) Subject: Hypotetical movie poster. OS/2 -- The Nightmare Continues = = = = = = = From: kaaren@satyr.sylvan.com (Kaaren Bock) Subject: road, Marin Why did the Marin County woman cross the road? She was channelling a chicken. = = = = = = = From: hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 30-Oct-1991 1525) Subject: Try a dark cow, uh .... Two farm boys are just sitting day dreaming when a cow strolls by. "Man," says the first boy, "if only that was a woman." "Man," says the second boy, "if only it was dark out." = = = = = = = Organization: The Law Society of Upper Canada From: dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman) Subject: M as in... Every so often I find myself giving out a business address over the phone that includes the postal code M5H 2N6. I'm always tempted to say: "M as in Mormon... N as in nary" = = = = = = = From: apucorle%idbsu.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca Subject: Dentist A guru went to the dentist and said, "I'd like to transcend dental medication." - Dr. Dean Edell = = = = = = = From: catbyte.b11.ingr.com!medin@watmath (Dave Medin) Subject: One liners The recent post brought this to mind, from the backstage men's room at the Seattle Opera House: Q: How tall is a union stagehand A: Don't know. I've never seen one standing up... = = = = = = = From: neidorff@makore.uicc.com (Bob Neidorff) Subject: New Light Bulb Joke? I don't know if this is new, but I think it is. How many home owners does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weekends and four trips to the hardware store. = = = = = = = From: jp56+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jody R. Prival) Subject: cool math limerick I got this from a friend... ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 +0 Or for those who have trouble with the poem: A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. = = = = = = = From: sameer@uunet.UUCPsameer Subject: shampoo this is not original.... I've always wondered why people use sham poo when the real thing is easily available..... = = = = = = = Organization: Novell Corp., Walnut Creek, CA. From: bdelvecc@wc.novell.com (Brian Del Vecchio) > From: cichlid@portia.stanford.edu (David Neiman) > Subject: Haiku (from dt@yenta.alb.nm.us) > "Twice five syllables > Plus seven can't say much but > That's Haiku for you. Here's my Haiku from a few years back: haiku's inventor must have had seven fingers on his middle hand = = = = = = = Organization: York University From: yorkvm1.bitnet!MMORSE@watmath Subject: Re: More from the one liner file (5/11) This one was Groucho Marx's favourite: "Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!" = = = = = = = From: gringort@pa.dec.com (Joel Gringorten) Subject: another for the 1 liner file? What do they call a woman without an asshole? Divorced. (told to me by a woman, of course.) = = = = = = = From: dg-rtp.dg.com!eliot@watmath (Topher Eliot) Subject: memory My mind is like an old-fashioned bear trap: rusty, dangerous, hasn't caught a thing in years. = = = = = = = Organization: Martin Bormann's Cranial Splints From: saul.cis.upenn.edu!mjd@watmath (Just Another Pain in the Ass) Subject: My dog I've trained my dog to salivate whenever Pavlov comes over for tea. Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum. Mark-Jason Dominus mjd@central.cis.upenn.edu = = = = = = = From: hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 10-Nov-1991 1223) Subject: Buckl, Ted Seen on a sign in Florida, outside the prison: "Buckle up, Ted, it's the Law." = = = = = = = From: A.Raman@massey.ac.nz (Anand) Subject: A complete story My sister told me this one a long time ago. In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" - anand = = = = = = = From: sears@hplsbs.hpl.hp.com (Bart Sears) Subject: football (American) existential question Carl Steward, a columnist in the Fremont Argus newspaper, posed this question: If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count? = = = = = = = From: C512052@umcvmb.missouri.edu (David K. Drum) Subject: Another ST:TNG Tasha Yar/Data joke Q: What does Tasha Yar list on her resume? A: Data Entry = = = = = = = From: gregw@bismarck.gatech.edu Subject: Magazine similarities Heard on a local radio morning show: Why is reading a Playboy/Playgirl magazine like reading National Geographic? You get to see a lot of great places you'll never get to visit. Greg Williams gregw@bismarck.gatech.edu = = = = = = = From: bets@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (Beth Schwindt) Subject: Obligatory Amiga Putdown, by a PC user Q: What is a Nintendo if you hook up a keyboard? A: An Amiga. Attitude sold separately. = = = = = = = From: dave@uunet.UUCP (David Rounds) Subject: Green Bay Packers Lose Again Source: Classified (Person to Person) in Chicago Tribune 12/6/91 WILL the lady who left her 11 kids at Lambeau Field plese pick them up. They're beating the Packers 21-0. = = = = = = = From: MWOLFE@alhrg.wpafb.af.mil (MICHAEL WOLFE) Subject: Office Automation We are phasing in a "paperless office." We are starting with the restrooms. = = = = = = = From: mavroidi@acf3.nyu.edu (Telly Mavroidis) Subject: new shampoo This came to me last night, I haven't heard it before: Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a new shampoo? It's a roll-on. = = = = = = = From: sagar@davinci.concordia.ca Subject: Safe document processing (Original) Practice "safe" document processing. Use Latex. = = = = = = = From: adh@minster.york.ac.uk Subject: Faulty utterance I believe this joke to be original, although I heard it from a friend a few days ago, and it's so obvious that somebody must have used it years ago: What says: "Pieces of nine, pieces of nine!" A parroty error! adh = = = = = = = From: jlodonne@descartes.waterloo.edu (Jenny O'Donnell) Subject: joke - vasectomy problems I just heard this at lunch today from a co-worker cracking up the table. In his words: "After my vasectomy, my testicles disappeared. The doctor couldn't find them, so he replaced them with small onions. Now I only have two problems, first whenever I see a gorgeous woman my eyes water, and second whenever I see a delicious hamburger I get a massive hard-on." = = = = = = = From: dogwood!francis@gatech.edu (John Stracke) Subject: A revolution in education The other day I saw a headline from a couple of years back: "Bush Wants a 'Revolution' in Schools." So *that's* where the guns are coming from! = = = = = = = From: nelson@cheetah.ece.clarkson.edu (Russ Nelson) Subject: Funny buns I took Brad Templeton out to lunch one day, and afterwards, we stopped by a bakery to bring eleven doughnuts back to the office. The baker offered a free sticky bun to pad our order to an even dozen, and Brad refused the bun. After we left, I asked why. He said that he never selects buns, especially pad buns. = = = = = = = From: ryan@server.cs.jhu.edu Subject: Filk (original): "Moonshine on my shoulders." (To the obvious tune ...) Moonshine ... on my shoulders ... makes me slip'ry ... Moonshine ... in my eyes ... would make me cry ... Moonshine ... mixed with water ... still tastes lovely ... Moonshine ... almost always ... makes me high ... If I had a brew that I could brew for you ... I'd brew a brew ... sure to make you smile ... If I had a still so I could distill for you ... I'd make sure we had moonshine all the while ... = = = = = = = From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques) Subject: ted just doesn't get it As told by Jay Leno: Q: What did Ted Kennedy say when Willy Smith was acquitted? A: PAAARTY! PAAARTY! PAAARTY! ... = = = = = = = From: BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Subject: This week on MTV... [ setup: MTV has a show called Unplugged where popular musicians perform without the benefit of electric instruments. ] Last night we were watching MTV when they ran an ad for an upcoming show called "Paul McCartney Unplugged." My wife looks up at the TV and asks, "wouldn't he die?" = = = = = = = From: trudel@cs.rutgers.edu Subject: Original nerd joke Did you know that Arethra Franklin was one of the first network programmers? Listen closely to the lyrics of "Respect": R-E-S-P-E-C-T Tell you what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Open up a TCP socket to me socket to me socket to me socket to me... = = = = = = = From: vk@aloft.att.com Subject: Yet Another Corporate Merger Original. One of the more interesting takeovers in the recent past was that of GE taking over the makers of BVD underwears. For diversification purposes, of course. Their new slogan, you ask? "We bring good things to life, in your BVD." = = = = = = = From: jlinder@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (jlinder) Subject: 7-11 Stores Something to ponder: If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, then why are there locks on the doors? = = = = = = = From: WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz Subject: Getting old (and forgetful) source: My father (a doctor) "If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it." = = = = = = = From: WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz Subject: Graffiti Seen on a park fence: FIGHT APAth = = = = = = = Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix From: brad%genesis.uucp@gte.com (Brad Ackerman) Seen on the back of a 911 driven by a blonde: _____________________________________ | | | If you can beat me, you can eat me. | |_____________________________________| = = = = = = = From: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix) Subject: New Christmas dolls "The Kathy Rigby doll--pull HER string, and you'll be sorry." --Gary Burbank, AM 700 WLW radio (Cincinnati) = = = = = = = Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system From: uunet.uu.net!cellar!watmath!cellar.org!hacksaw@watmath Subject: A sign of the times... Seen on a local BBS: As the expected time of birth drew near, the mother-to-be asked her obstetrician, "Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during my delivery?" "Certainly," the doctor answered. "The father should always be present at the moment of birth." "That wouldn't be a good idea," the woman remarked. "He and my husband don't get along." = = = = = = = From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) Subject: Old Movie Song, New Joke Q: What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom? A: The candy man can. = = = = = = = From: kilroy@gboro.glassboro.edu (Dr Nancy's Sweetie) Subject: Original Joke There's a new book in the works about Gorbachev and the failed coup last August. It's titled _The Premier Who Came Back From His Cold_. = = = = = = = From: jpc@avdms8.msfc.nasa.gov (J. Porter Clark) Subject: Touchpad spelling I have a friend who is so stupid that he tried to enter the 1-900-SPELLIT contest, but he kept getting the wrong number. Original, so shoot me. = = = = = = = From: olson@husc.harvard.edu Subject: Boris Yeltsin Is it just me, or does Boris Yeltsin look an awful lot like Benny Hill? = = = = = = = From: brian@king.ca41.csd.mot.com (Brian Smithson) Subject: for the one-liner file? In the music department of one of the universities there is a sign over the FAX machine that reads as follows: "If it ain't Baroque don't FAX it." = = = = = = = Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science From: mycroft@hal.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Charles Hannum) Subject: Be careful where you put that 'L'! It's interesting what happens when you ... accidentally add an 'L' at the beginning of various words. You get such things as: luser LUSENET LUSENIX lintegrated circuit LI-B-M LUNIX lusage (If you think of any more, please email them to me.) = = = = = = = From: ???@world.std.com This morning a potential joke hit me. What is the opposite of SO, significant other? Answer: I/O. As when you are on a date and your companion mentions his or her SO. That makes you an I/O. (Bad news.) = = = = = = = From: tage@staff.cs.uit.no (Tage Stabell-Kulo) If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have given us shorter arms. = = = = = = = Subject: Holidays From: KK1143@BROCK1P ( Kevin M. Kress) [Heard from a friend of mine at school. Since he has no access to electronic mail, I am submitting it.] Q: If mothers have Mother's Day as their holiday and fathers have Father's Day as their holiday, what holiday is for bachelors? A: Palm Sunday. = = = = = = = Subject: Olympia&York [Reichmanns] finanacial troubles From: dalamb@qucis.queensu.ca (David Lamb) Paraphrased from Alan Fotheringham's column in Maclean's last week: Everyone knows the old saw about "If you owe the bank $10 thousand you're in trouble; if you owe the bank $10 million, the bank is in trouble." Well, if you owe the bank $15 billion, the taxpayers are in trouble. = = = = = = = From: smith@ctron.com (Larry Smith) Subject: And the winnah is... This is from WGIR this morning - a unidentified caller mentioned he had taken his own "unofficial" poll this morning by counting those election signs people set up in their yards at primary time. He figures the winner will be "For Sale". = = = = = = = From: J.Cook@ens.prime.com (Jim Cook) Subject: Why Maine Doesn't Have the First Primary in the Nation From a rerun of a Jack Paar show on presidential happenings: Remember what a little old lady from Maine said, "I don't vote - it only encourages them." = = = = = = = From: evan@apollo.hp.com (Evan Morton) Subject: the metric unit of pain [original] What's the metric unit of pain? The Angstrom. = = = = = = = From: ian@gomez.jpl.nasa.gov (H. Ian Novack) Subject: And they said TVs were dangerous... Bruce Sterling, on computers replacing drugs as a medium for altering consciousness and creating artificial realities: "In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late." - LA Times Thursday, 2/20/92 Business section "Innovation" column. = = = = = = = From: clint@matia.stanford.edu (Jennifer Dole) Subject: Definition What's the definition of a "quadro-sexual?" A person who will do anything, anywhere, with anybody, for a quarter. = = = = = = = From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan) Subject: swimmer If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown too? = = = = = = = From: charters@quartz.geology.utoronto.ca (Jim Charters) Subject: no arms, no legs joke This joke was told to me by one of our graduate students, Mike Bromley. He plays music from time to time in a pick-up band. Another member of the band, not known to me, told it to Mike.... Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can play 15 different musical instruments? A: Stump the band. = = = = = = = Organization: Western Michigan University From: x91patrick2@gw.wmich.edu Subject: Suggestion for research ********************SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH*************************** 1) Who has the better genes, the baby of JESSICA LANGE and MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV (Alexandra) or the baby of AMY IRVING and STEVEN SPIELBERG (Max)? 2) How did cat books get to be such big sellers, when no one anyone knows ever bought one and, presumably, cats are not buying them? = = = = = = = From: ydobyns@phoenix.princeton.edu (York H. Dobyns) Subject: Spotted on an Advertisement/ True Incident (The following is the large-type attention-getting part of a flyer advertising Princeton University's amateur mime group. Reprinted without permission, though I doubt they'd mind the extra circulation.) CALL 900-HOT-MIME for SILENT FANTASIES "Our mime is in the gutter." = = = = = = = From: roller@drutx.att.com Subject: hire the handicapped... I didn't make this up: one of the local TV channels last night used the phrase "running for office" to described the activities of Paul Tsongas and Jerry Brown, and then went on to say that Bob Kerry was "stumping." = = = = = = = From: billmers@aiag.enet.dec.com (Meyer, using EMAIL V4.0 25-Feb-1992 0932) Subject: From the "new Europe" A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest: "Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either." = = = = = = = Subject: a matter of attitude From: Thomas_Mathies@GS46.SP.CS.CMU.EDU Robert Frost: The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. = = = = = = = From: td@research.att.com (Tom Duff @ Mama Bell's Komputer Kindergarden) Subject: Risks of Technology: Coca Cola division (original) Modern Coke Machines are microprocessor-controlled, and many even have modems with which they call the distributor when their coin boxes fill or they run out of supplies or they're broken into. These modems are vulnerable to attack by a class of computer hackers known in the industry as ``Soda Crackers.'' = = = = = = = From: gregc@clif.ypsi.mi.us (Greg Cronau) Subject: Virtual Reality. Drug of the future? Overheard on tonight's Dennis Miller show at the beginning of the segment where a rep from Horizon Entertainment comes on to demonstrate their new Virtual Reality game: --------------- "So, let me get this straight. Eventually Virtual Reality could get good enough that some guy from New Jersey could come home from work, rent a cartridge for $19.95, and have sex with Elle Macpherson. This could make crack look like Sanka!" = = = = = = = From: yduj@lucid.com (Judy Anderson) Subject: Discovery I was poking around on my filesystem the other day, and discovered a directory named /vaporware. It was emtpy. = = = = = = = Subject: Re: Close call, godly ... Reply-To: lrb@rri.uwo.ca Organization: University of Western Ontario The recent Thoreau 'dying words' reminds me of what I believe were Ogden Nash's as quipped on The_Kid's_In_the_Hall. "Either that wallpaper goes -- or I do!" = = = = = = = Organization: University at Buffalo From: acsossc@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Samir Chaudhari) Subject: An Abortion Commercial.. Can not remember the source, a real incident... In the NY subway, a commertial for an abortion clinic goes... Pregnant? We can help! .to which someone had scribbled: Not pregnant? I can help!! = = = = = = = From: JWILLIAM@vm1.tucc.trinity.edu Subject: topical, political Heard around the Chicago Board of Trade: New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton: Smell my lips.....No more Bush = = = = = = = From: cazabon@hercules.cs.uregina.ca (Chuck Cazabon...Amiga fan extraordinaire=) Subject: Gallagher and television I believe the following is from Gallagher... It's too bad that televisions don't have a knob to turn up the INTELLIGENCE of the programs. I tried 'brightness', but it didn't work. = = = = = = = From: ark@eclipse.Stanford.EDU (Arthur Keller) Subject: Eye condition I went to the ophthalmologist today about an eye condition. To paraphrase his diagnosis, I had enough blood and sweat, but not enough tears. His suggestion was to stay off my eyes for a while. = = = = = = = Organization: Advanced Micro Devices; Sunnyvale, CA From: karen@brahms.amd.com (Karen Black) Subject: Original; Supermarket accident At the store yesterday, I came upon a giant glass jar of maraschino cherries that had broken on the floor. As the clerk appeared with a mop, I said, "Looks like the end of a month of sundaes." = = = = = = = From: rajesh@longhair.cs.unlv.edu (Doughboy) Subject: L.A. courts and looters Geogre Wallace on BET: The L.A. courts are so backed up with trials against all the looters, they've opened up a 10 items or less counter!! = = = = = = = From: delliott@cec2.wustl.edu (Dave Elliott) Subject: Carlin's view George Carlin on Johnny Carson May 13: "Some people see the glass as half full; some people see the glass as half empty; I see the glass as too large!" --David E. = = = = = = = Organization: UCLA Computer Science Dept. From: ariel@cs.ucla.edu (Ariel The Rogue Rogson) Subject: Humanity's egocentrism {I don't believe I've ever seen this before.} Isn't humanity egocentric? Whenever we talk, we say, "Here's my two cents worth," but we only offer "a penny for your thoughts." Ariel "The Rogue" Rogson = = = = = = = From: elrod@ocf.berkeley.edu (Edward L. Rodriguez) Subject: mens' perogative Most people know that, traditionally, it is a woman's perogative to change her mind. Unfortunately, few women realize that it is a man's perogative to fall asleep after orgasm. original =) -ed = = = = = = = Subject: George Bush Acceptance Speech From: vturner@nmsu.edu The other night, George Bush, when talking about prosperity in America said: "In the US, the sun is always peeking over the horizon ..." Does this mean by the end of his next term, America will be know as the "Land of the Rising Sun"? Vaughan = = = = = = = Subject: Disaster Areas From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) I wonder, are the San Francisco Giants moving to Florida to avoid the danger of earthquakes? = = = = = = = From: imp@kolvir.solbourne.COM (Warner Losh) Subject: Re: original, computers, sex >'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds > getting it free.' And for everybody that gets it for free there are thousands talking about how great it would be to get it. Warner = = = = = = = Organization: Apple Computer, Inc From: Ken_Blackman.INTEGRATION@gateway.qm.apple.com (Ken Blackman) Subject: A limerick I just made up This limerick's signed "Anonymous" To keep the author autonomous Cause the rhyming scheme's bad And the scan is just sad And the punch line is really abominous Ken "This code won't compile, but it is in iambic pentameter" Blackman = = = = = = = From: thomas@nick.csh.rit.edu (The Nut Man) Subject: Hardware "Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it." - F. Giuffrida = = = = = = = From: kevink@lupine.UUCP (Kevin Kelleher) Subject: Solution to your backup problems > If you had something like 500 GB of disk or or more, how would > you back it up? Post it to comp.arch.storage = = = = = = = From: ark@research.att.com Subject: cat behavior (original) Q: How do cats decide when to jump suddenly up from where they were sitting comfortably curled up and dash madly around the room, knocking over everything they encounter? A: Fuzzy logic. --Andrew Koenig = = = = = = = From: d9bertil@dtek.chalmers.se Subject: Never trust... (joke) (original) (political) "Never trust what authorities tell you!" "Why not?" "Because Noam Chomsky said so!" = = = = = = = From: steveg@orl.mmc.com (Steve Gabrilowitz) Subject: A visit from the in-laws Next time your in-laws (or other equally likeable sort) come to visit, remember this: The word visit appears in the Bible describing when the Lord sent the plagues to the Egyptians. You may want to point this fact out to them... = = = = = = = From: monty@proponent.com (Monty Solomon) Subject: Dry Cleaner Did you hear about Pee Wee Herman's new Dry Cleaning service? It is called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off. = = = = = = = From: Redmond.English@ius4.ius.cs.cmu.edu Subject: Over zealous deodorant Seen on a commercial for Mennen deodorant: "Gives 110% protection!" Does this mean that it sucks moisture out of the atmosphere and stuffs it into your arpits? = = = = = = = From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot) Subject: optimism A headline in on a magazine at the supermarket read How to become an optimist in two weeks It was only after a moment that I realized that in response, I had muttered "I don't know. That sounds pretty optimistic to me." = = = = = = = From: FAC_DRAKE@wsc.colorado.edu Subject: signs of aging There are three ways of knowing you're getting really old: One is memory loss . . . . and I've forgotten the other two. = = = = = = = Subject: Excellent choice From: howard@hal.com (Howard Gayle) I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed. = = = = = = = From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat) Subject: New George (original) Bush Lite: Less Capital gains, More Domestic Policy. = = = = = = = From: DAVIDV%EARLHAM.BITNET@uicvm.uic.edu (I AM WHO AM) Subject: Pitbull genetics (Original, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else has thought of it:) Q: What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a cattle prod? A: Bitten, almost certainly. = = = = = = = From: T.KILBRIDE@genie.com (Funniest Guy) Subject: Question & answer's Summary: The ole' standby "waddia git" type of humor we all can use to make the day go Q: Why is sex so popular? A: Because it's centrally located. Q: What do you get if you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. = = = = = = = Subject: Pat Buchanan Quote From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu On the campaign trail last week, Pat Buchanan said: "I don't want to attack Dan Quayle. That would be child abuse." = = = = = = = Subject: George Bush From: rickertj@athena.cas.vanderbilt.edu (John Rickert) What's the PC term for George Bush? "Politically challenged." = = = = = = = Subject: Computer viruses From: MGLASS@fnal.fnal.gov (Michael Glass at Fermilab) I was surprised to learn that many computer virus programs have copyright notices embedded in them. Applied to a computer virus, what could the concept of copyright possibly *mean*? = = = = = = = From: sybase!tim@sun.com (Tim Wood) Subject: Sex roles Seen on a bumper sticker (attached to a Ford Ranger pickup): I haven't had sex for so long, I don't remember who gets tied up. Thanks, -Tim = = = = = = = From: SNOJNB@mvs.sas.com (Jeff Beusse) Subject: She's so fat ... (new to me) Heard from Jake Johnson, Wednesday morning guest comedian on WRDU 106.1, Raleigh, NC: (Done in an imitation of Rodney Dangerfield's voice) My wife is so fat, when we want to have sex, I have to pound her on the thigh and ride the wave in!!! = = = = = = = From: kenny@world.std.com (Kenneth R Crudup) Subject: Michael Jackson video dance name A local DJ (WILD-AM here in Boston) has given the quickly-censored dance number at the end of MJ's "Black or White" video a name: "The Squirrel Dance", chosen since he was obviously gathering his nuts. = = = = = = = From: scs@wotan.iti.org (Steve Simmons) Subject: Who Was Influential In 1991? Told to me by John Dreystadt: Who did the most to influence history in 1991? Oliver Stone. = = = = = = = From: jgacker@isis.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker) Subject: Warnings from above, religious I just went to a seminar on the chemistry of stratospheric ozone and came up with us (has anyone else noticed?) The acronym formed by the first letters of the phrase "GLOBAL OZONE DEPLETION" is GOD. I don't know about you, but I'm worried. = = = = = = = From: kbad@atari.UUCP (Ken Badertscher) Subject: My boss... "My boss is a Jewish carpenter." - Bumper sticker "My boss is a Jewish astrophysicist, what's your point?" - A coworker (our boss has a PhD in astrophysics) (Submitted by me for Mark Jansen, who thought it up, but probably wouldn't submit it himself. Oh, and please don't include this parenthetical attribution with the joke if you accept the joke). = = = = = = = From: trebor@foretune.co.jp (Robert J Woodhead) Subject: Boston Driving JBOLOGNA@bentley has it all wrong. There are only three rules for driving in Boston. 1) Keep your eyes open. 2) Keep your wits about you. 3) Keep your insurance paid up. = = = = = = = From: mcovingt@athena.cs.uga.edu (Michael A. Covington) Subject: New motto (Original) A bumper-sticker slogan to protect us against activists: "I'm apolitical -- and I vote!" = = = = = = = From: parvin1@husc.harvard.edu Subject: PC Recycling I am generally skeptical of the "PC Multicultural Conspiracy" charge, but a recent incident at the local recycling depot has forced me to reconsider. Arriving with a large box of paper, I was reprimanded for not separating the paper of color from the white trash. = = = = = = = From: jamie@mkseast.UUCP (Jamie Haviland) Subject: Just a little pun This is an original by me.... Did you hear about the new building demolition company? They call themselves "Ediface Wrecks". = = = = = = = From: mark@b11.b11.ingr.com (Mark Jones) Subject: In the good ol' summer time It has been determined that most teenage girls lose their virginity during the summer months. This stands to reason, since congress is recessed at that time. Heard it on comic strip live recently. = = = = = = = From: fist@iscp.bellcore.com (Richard Pierson) Subject: Lesbian joke How do you tell if a house has been built by lesbians ? It's all tongue and groove, No studs. Rich = = = = = = = From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu Subject: Welfare Rush Limbaugh on the subject of welfare: "What's wrong with our safety net is that too many people are using it as a hammock." = = = = = = = From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan) Subject: Was Soviet Union. Original and can be distributed freely! Two of US's big problems were solved around the same time. The disbanding of the Soviet Union and getting good pictures from hubble, the problems being, nuclear arms and unclear mars. = = = = = = = From: mhr@ccicpg.UUCP (Mark Hull-Richter) Subject: Radio funnies Heard this one on the radio this morning (from Jeff Greenleaf (?)): The next time you get a speeding ticket and have nothing to do for the next ten days or so, try this: When the officer asks for your drivers license, registration and proof of insurance, give it to him, but look at him funny. When he comes back, say, "There's nothing _in_ the trunk." -- Mark A. Hull-Richter UUCP: ccicpg!mhr In all things, restraint, ICL North America Also: mhr@irv.icl.com especially with respect 9801 Muirlands Blvd mhr@ccicpg.irv.icl.com to posting articles and Irvine, CA 92713 (714)458-7282x4539 doubly so for flames. = = = = = = = From: asuvax!anasaz!qip.morris@ncar.ucar.edu (Bob Morris) Subject: What's the difference between a H/W engineer and a S/W engineer? What's the difference between a software engineer and a hardware engineer? A software engineer burns PROMS; a hardware engineer blows PALS. = = = = = = = Organization: AUSOM - The Apple Users Society of Melbourne From: sbr@loop.ausom.oz.au (Solomon Braunstein) Subject: Appearance An old spinster was asked what she liked most in men. "Appearance," she replied "and the sooner the better". = = = = = = = From: mikeb@spl32.spl.loral.com (Michael H Bender) Subject: Bumper Sticker in Detroit (stolen from the San Jose Mercury News): Seen on a bumper sticker in Detroit: SADDAM HUSSEIN STILL HAS A JOB. DO YOU? = = = = = = = From: vaps0de@prism.gatech.edu (Dustin Emhart) Subject: MLK Holiday Weather This is original. At least, I haven't heard anyone telling it but me. Atlanta had a couple inches of snow on the ground for the federal holiday on January 20. Now, snow is a wonderful thing for holidays like Christmas, but there's just something not right about a white MLK's Birthday. = = = = = = = Organization: The Sideways Machine, Lower Hutt, New Zealand From: radagast@sideways.welly.gen.nz (Radagast) Subject: Lada Motor Vehicles What's the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah's Witness? You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness. = = = = = = = From: Mark_Olson@imd.sterling.com (Mark Olson) Subject: Meetings I heard this one on a local radio station (KKCD) this morning: Q: What is a Meeting? A: It is a place where good ideas go to die. = = = = = = = From: sl@wimsey.bc.ca (Stuart Lynne) Subject: saw on a notice board Notice Due to budgetary constraints the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off. = = = = = = = From: flynn@yoda.eecs.wsu.edu (Patrick J. Flynn) Subject: Check please... A new corollary to Murphy's law (experimentally verified this past weekend at the Olive Garden restaurant in Spokane, Washington): Five milliseconds after beginning to chew a mouthful of food, the waiter will arrive and ask if it tastes OK. He will be unable to interpret hasty nods of the head, thumbs-up gestures, or words from your spouse, and will wait, staring at you like a stunned ox, until you have chewed, swallowed, and allayed his fears yourself: "yes." We tipped him anyway. Pat Flynn, School of Eeks, Washington State University = = = = = = = From: steve%paz.pcc.com@uvm-gen.uvm.edu (Stephen Minnis M.D.) Subject: PMS Question: How do you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS? Answer: Beats the hell out of me! = = = = = = = From: lw24lag@rs1.tcs.tulane.edu (peter lavallee) Subject: Stationery store The other day I went to the stationery store... but it had moved. = = = = = = = From: ROY_WELLS@qm.vitalink.com (ROY WELLS) Subject: The USSR's New Ad Slogan Perhaps to market themselves to the West, the Soviet Republics (and the rest of Eastern Europe) should adopt a catchy slogan, like: "The USSR: We're trading Marx for Dollars" = = = = = = = Organization: Sybase, Inc. From: georg@cobra.sybase.com (Georg Carlson) Subject: New 30c stamp graphic This was seen in the SF Chronicle's Sunday Punch week before last: The post office solicited for graphic ideas for the new 30 cent stamp. One artist suggested the following: A hand holding out a tin cup. = = = = = = = From: jdevans@athena.mit.edu (John D. Evans) Subject: The Zen of Demos. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to demo it, does it make a sound? = = = = = = = From: TLIU@binah.cc.brandeis.edu Subject: a new joke Q: How many college students it takes to change a light bulb? A: I don't know. I left my calculator at home. ---- Hans Liu = = = = = = = From: psavoie@pro-micol.cts.com (Pierre Savoie) Subject: Schizophrenics' Convention Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992? Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there! = = = = = = = From: jfielek@gauss.ssc.gov (Josh Fielek) Subject: Delta Airlines A modification of the Delta motto we used after a crash a Dallas Fort Worth Internatial Airport where the Delta flight crashed on approach : "Delta - We almost got you there" = = = = = = = From: PJB4288@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS) Subject: A good joke A joke for gamers: How many clerics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 Cure Light Wounds Source: Tim Hannon = = = = = = = From: din@mruxb.cc.bellcore.com Subject: Bilingual(?) Car Dealer's Advertisement in The Sunday Star Ledger: Bilingual - we speak many languages. Dinesh Nettar = = = = = = = From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) Subject: More Politically Correct terms More for you Politically Correct types: Homeless? No more. Now it's "Residentially Handicapped." = = = = = = = From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) Subject: What does MAC stand for? This is a list compiled by myself, with a little help from some nutty net-ers. MAC = Masquerading As a Computer MAC = Moronic Asinine Crap MAC = My Allowance Consumed MAC = Money Always Counts MAC = Mother's Artificial Charms MAC = Mickey's Alternative Computer MAC = Mindlessness Applauded & Celebrated MAC = Much Advertised Crap MAC = Masochist's Automatic Calculator MAC = Merely A Chimera MAC = Makes All Cynical MACINTOSH = Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs = = = = = = = From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) Subject: What does IBM stand for? This is a compilation from many people... IBM - I Blame Microsoft. IBM - I Buy Macintosh IBM - I'll Buy Macintosh IBM - I've Been Mislead IBM - I've Been Moved IBM - I've Been Mugged IBM - Incontinent Bowel Movement IBM - Identical Blue Men IBM - Idiotic Bit Masher IBM - Idiots Become Managers IBM - Idiots Built Me IBM - Ignorant Buttfucking Morons IBM - Incompatible Business Machines IBM - Incredibly Boring Machine IBM - Inferior, But Marketable IBM - Infernal Bloody Monopoly IBM - Institute of Black Magic IBM - Intercourse Beats Masturbation IBM - Internal Beaurocratic Mess IBM - International Brotherhood of Magicians IBM - Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches IBM - It'll Be Messy IBM - It's Backwards, Man IBM - It's Being Mended. IBM - It's Better Manually IBM - Itty Bitty Machines IBM - Itty Bitty Morons IBM compatible - IBM contemptible IBM - Immense Bowel Movement IBM - It Barely Moves IBM - I Buy Mainframes = = = = = = = From: bradley@csrd.uiuc.edu (David K. Bradley) Subject: Mosquito Poem A mosquito was heard to complain That a chemist had poisoned his brain The cause of his sorrow Was para-dichloro- diphenyltrichloroethane From the Seattle Food Garden Newsletter, put out by the Washington State University's Extension Service and King County = = = = = = = From: bigfoot@rata.vuw.ac.nz (Sasquatch) Subject: Blind Joke Heard on a local radio station: How do you tell the blind man in a nudist camp? It's not hard {ed Which of course makes no sense if you've ever been to a nude resort.} -Sasquatch = = = = = = = From: jti@ai.mit.edu (Jeff Inman) Subject: three boys My grandfather (Bill Marshall) had two brothers, and his father also had two two brothers. The following maxim sprang up somewhere along the way: One boy is worth half a man Two boys are worth half a boy Three boys are no help at all. = = = = = = = From: T.Wade@vms.eurokom.ie (VMS Systems) Subject: The verb "To Conform" The full parsing of the verb "To Conform" is: I conform to You are compatible with He/she/it locks himself into = = = = = = = From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay R) Subject: Original one-liner "Uneasy lies the head that has dandruff." = = = = = = = From: ghost@ra.nrl.navy.mil (Glenn Host) Subject: Why does the sun never set on the Brittish Empire? Why does the sun never set on the English Empire? Because even God does not trust the English in the dark. Told to me by an Irishman (naturally) = = = = = = = From: rbe@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Robert Bernecky) Subject: Son of Hacker Joke After seeing the hacker joke today, it seemed to me that a follow-on was required: Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They use a hammer. = = = = = = = From: mkwan@crypto.cs.adfa.oz.au (Matthew Kwan) Subject: Vegetarians This is original. Q. How do you attract a vegetarian? A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.