A new priest was so afraid at his first Mass, that he hardly spoke. So, after the Mass, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor told him that it might help him to relax if he would put martinis in the water pitcher, and after a few sips, he should relax. The next week the young priest followed instructions and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked his superior how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before you address the Congregation again. They are.... 1. Next time, sip the martinis! Don't gulp them by the glassful. 2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10. 4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "Late J. C.". 6. We don't refer to our Savior and his Disiples as "J. C. and the boys". 7. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T". 8. Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's; not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 9. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook. 10. And last, but not least, it is the VIRGIN MARY, NOT "MARY with the CHERRY".