X-Andrew-WideReply: netnews.alt.comedy.british.blackadder X-Andrew-Authenticated-as: 0;andrew.cmu.edu;Network-Mail Received: via nntpserv with nntp; Wed, 13 Apr 1994 13:28:44 -0400 (EDT) Path: andrew.cmu.edu!bb3.andrew.cmu.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!msuinfo!netnews.upenn.edu!gbrophy From: gbrophy@mail.sas.upenn.edu (Gwendolyn M Brophy) Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder Subject: Blackadder/DS9 Date: 13 Apr 1994 16:46:03 GMT Organization: University of Pennsylvania, School of Arts and Sciences Lines: 1630 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2oh7kb$dm3@netnews.upenn.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: mail.sas.upenn.edu From netnews.upenn.edu!msuinfo!agate!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!nigel.msen.com!well!baldric Sun Jan 16 22:58:46 EST 1994 Article: 8923 of alt.startrek.creative Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Path: netnews.upenn.edu!msuinfo!agate!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!nigel.msen.com!well!baldric From: baldric@well.sf.ca.us (S. Baldric) Subject: Parody: BLACKADDERLON 59 "Emissionary" (part 01/02) Message-ID: Sender: news@well.sf.ca.us Nntp-Posting-Host: well.sf.ca.us Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #1 (NOV) Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 01:24:47 GMT Lines: 1613 Status: RO >From the author of the Doctor Who parody, "Romana 'n Dave", here's a new parody of Deep Space 9, Babylon 5, Mets 0... with Edmumd Blackadder as the star. Get both parts, concatenate and enjoy! But first, something completely different: A rousing chorus of 'England's Mountains Green'. ;-) -PART 1 OF 2---CUT-HERE--------------------------------------------------------- +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Copyright (C) 1993 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only. 'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK- ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK- ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ B L A C K A D D E R L O N 5 9 ------------------------------- AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY by Tom Golden Story #1 'EMISSIONARY' by Tom Golden O U R H Y P O T H E T I C A L C A S T UNPLUG PERSONNEL Admiral-General Lord Flasheart, Stud (cameo) ............................. RIK MAYALL (Young Ones/Bl'adder) Cmdr. Francis Flasheart, Wimp ........ GRANT SHAUD (Murphy Brown) Maj. Adi Tuud, Pejorative ............ SUZIE PLAKSON (Love & War) Lt. Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder, Earther . ROWAN ATKINSON (Blackadder) Dr. George Cremator, Earther ......... HUGH LAURIE (Blackadder) Chief Milo Nobrain, Earther .......... TIM ALLEN (Home Improvement) Lt. Justa Duk, Drill - Duk, the Hand Puppet Symbiont ... VO 'Barney the Dinosaur' - Justa, the Humanoid Host ........ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE (MWC) Deputy Garibaldric, Unknown .......... TONY ROBINSON (Blackadder) AMBASSADORS G'Whiz, Yarn Ambassador .............. STEPHEN FRY (Blackadder) Deluxx, Cardigan Ambassador .......... MIRANDA RICHARDSON (Blackadder) Light Mauve, Orlon Ambassador ........ (Appears via SFX) PEJORATIVE RELIGIOUS PERSONS Guy Pacman (cameo) ....................JON LOVITZ (SNL) Donee (cameo) .........................DONNY OSMOND (Remember?) Guy Edna ..............................DAME EDNA EVEREDGE (Experience) GUIDE TO PRONUNCIATION Adi Tuud ..................... AD-uh TOOD Deluxx ....................... just like 'deluxe' Pejor ........................ puh-JORE G'Whiz ....................... gee-WHIZ Deluxx ....................... de-LUX Guy .......................... rhymes with 'eye' Oznabrag ..................... OZ-nuh-brag Pyoochh ...................... p-YOU-khh (khh like in chutzpah) Aah'ghahd .................... (Author's attempt to construct a homophone to R. Atkinson's unique manner of mumbling 'Oh gawd' in a deadpan, yet higher- pitched tone of voice to denote exasperation due to incredulity or a sudden realization) ----------------------------------------------------- COLD OPENING SPACE -- PEJORATIVE SOLAR SYSTEM We are floating in space. A bright red star shines in the distance. (For background music, use the first 8 notes of Blackadder, arranged in the manner of 'Star Trek' intro) An audibly elderly Garibaldric narrates. VO:GARIBALDRIC Space. The biggest, darkest, coldest, biggest place there is. Really. An empty, discarded tin can moves quickly into view from our left, appearing to bounce off the camera lens and knocking our POV toward our right. We follow the can as it moves away to our right and toward... SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION A majestic, sparkling, really expensive-looking space station. VO:GARIBALDRIC This is the story of AVALON 59, the third, er, fourth to the last, er, well, it was right up there near the end of the AVALON series of SpaceBases constructed by the Earth-based federation known as the United Planets, Universal and Galactic -- "UNPLUG". AVALON 59 was placed in orbit around the neutral planet Pejor. Pejor was neutral, because the Pejoratives were so obnoxious that no government wanted to have anything to do with them. So, this was the perfect place for a SpaceBase with the mission of fostering better relations among the major powers. As the name implies, there were 58 AVALON Space- Bases before this one -- they met unfortunate or suspicious ends... SPACE -- EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING VO:GARIBALDRIC Nineteen were sabotaged by various factions and blew up. SPACE -- EXT. PARTIALLY BUILT SPACE STATION A partially completed skeleton of another space station. A large billboard keeping station nearby, reads: COMING SOON A NEW SPACE BASE AND SHOPPING CENTER FROM EMETIB INDUSTRIES FINANCING BY BCCI VO:GARIBALDRIC Fourteen were only partially built and had to be scrapped due to contractor overbilling or government cutbacks. They were abandoned and stripped clean by galactic hoodlums; INT. SPACECRUISER LOUNGE A large, plush room. An alien conducts an auction sale of the lovely space station visible outside the panoramic, floor-to-ceiling viewport at the rear of the lounge. VO:GARIBALDRIC Eleven were reposessed and sold to speculators by the Galactic Resolution Trust Bureaucracy; SPACE -- EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH Earth orbit, literally filled with thousands of satellites, cans, wrenches, nuts, bolts and several space stations. VO:GARIBALDRIC The first nine were built and left in Earth orbit because nobody could figure out how to get them to Pejor; the third fell out of orbit and rained destruction on Disney World, but curiously left the nearby MGM theme park unscathed. SPACE -- EMPTY SPACE VO:GARIBALDRIC Four simply disappeared, although one of them was later seen in another quadrant, run completely by Elvis clones. But that's just a rumor. SPACE -- EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING VO:GARIBALDRIC AVALON 42 was destroyed in a collision with an ark carrying people calling themselves Golgafrinchams, in an incident whose improbability was later described as infinite. SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION VO:GARIBALDRIC AVALON 59. Light-years of great parking, deck after deck of really cool shopping and loads of messy intrigue. SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF BLACKADDER VO:GARIBALDRIC Oh yeah, I can't tell you about AVALON 59 without mentioning Edmund Blackadder, its security chief. SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF GEORGE VO:GARIBALDRIC And Dr. George Cremator'd get cross if I left him out. He was the base doctor. Y'know, he won Kevorkian Prize three years running. SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF TUUD VO:GARIBALDRIC Now, who was she...Oh yeah, Major Adi Tuud. She was the Pejorative first officer. They assigned her to AVALON because none of the other Pejoratives could stand her -- and that's saying something. SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF AMBASSADORS G'WHIZ, DELUXX AND LIGHT MAUVE VO:GARIBALDRIC The ambassadors from the major alien governments-- G'Whiz of the Yarn Republic, Deluxx of the Cardigan Empire, and Light Mauve of the Orlon Collection... SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION Our POV, which has been moving around the space station, freezes. VO:GARIBALDRIC ...and the Professor and Mary Ann. Oh yeah, and me, Garibaldric. I'm a shapeshifter; been one all my life. When I'm not being shifty, my natural form is a kind of gelatin. I've been told I taste like lime with a just a hint of lamb; good thing they go together. My first memory is when someone on AVALON rescued me -- they found me drifting...er, dripping through the airlock. ----------------------------------------------------- ACT I The camera pulls back to reveal that we have been looking at a picture of a spacestation hanging on the wall of... INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- MORNING A functional, though unappealing office with stacks of computer disks and printouts lying around. The caption beneath the picture of the expensive space station reads: AVALON 59 ORIGINAL DESIGN (BEFORE THE 'BUY EARTHIAN' OVERCHARGING SCANDAL) Next to it is a photo of the real AVALON 59, looking a lot like a very large Thermos bottle in orbit and rotating along its central core. Blackadder sullenly reads security reports. Without looking to be sure, he grabs a convenient cup of coffee and takes a sip. BLACKADDER Bleeeach! Blackadder spits the coffee out into an adjacent trashcan, then throws the whole cup in. He swivels back to his desk. While he continues to read, the contents of the receptacle congeal and coalesce into the form of Garibaldric, Blackadder's shapeshifting assistant. BLACKADDER Ah, Garibaldric. You certainly left a bad taste in my mouth, but then again, you always do. GARIBALDRIC Morning, Constable B! Sorry, I guess I fell asleep. BLACKADDER Garibaldric, how many times must I tell you? First, I am _NOT_ a _Constable_; second, you're not allowed to sleep on the job, not even in my coffee cup; and third -- Blackadder picks up the coffee cup. GARIBALDRIC Third? BLACKADDER Third... Blackadder pauses for dramatic effect, then smashes the coffee cup over Garibaldric's head. Garibaldric drops to the floor. BLACKADDER (Sigh) I've forgotten. I'm sure it'll come back to me. Blackadder pauses, noting that Garibaldric has not reverted to his natural gelatinous form despite being unconscious. He decides to amuse himself by hurling some rhetorical abuse at Garibaldric's still form. BLACKADDER Oh, Garibaldric, by the way, while you're unconscious, don't revert back to your natural form, there's a good chap? You might give me the impression that you can do it at will, and then you'd be useful, and where would we be then? Not in this rathole, that's for certain. On the wall adjacent to Blackadder's desk, a viewscreen (two-way audio- visual communication device resembling a flat-panel 27 inch video display) flashes a visual cue indicating that someone is calling. As the cue flashes, the viewscreen also rings like a vintage telephone. Blackadder pushes a button to answer the call. Tuud's face appears onscreen. She is calling from the commander's office. BLACKADDER Yes, Major? During the course of the call, Garibaldric gradually manages to pick himself up off the floor and dust himself off. TUUD Constable, I just got word that UNPLUG has finally gotten around to assigning us a new base commander, and he'll be arriving in a couple of hours. Of course, UNPLUG didn't bother to tell us -- I found out through unofficial channels. BLACKADDER Ambassador G'Whiz ate too many cubes of hallucinogenic head cheese again, got drunk and insisted on shouting your ear off? TUUD Exactly. BLACKADDER How many cubes of H. H. C. did it take this time? TUUD Seven. BLACKADDER That means we're nearly out. I'll make a note to extort -- er, obtain a fresh supply. TUUD Blackadder, are we ready? Is the base secure? BLACKADDER Yes, none of the vacuum toilets are connected directly to the outside, if that's what you mean. My people are also keeping a watchful eye on the only known homicidal sociopath currently on base. TUUD (Surprised) Who is it? BLACKADDER You, of course. TUUD Look, mafioso dearest, you better check everything out really well, because if another commander gets sucked out into space the first time he flushes -- Tuud is distracted by some off-viewscreen technicians cleaning out the office. TUUD Wait -- what are you doing? Stop that! You're -- You're not throwing it all away! You are _not_throwing_ _it_all_away_! Put it down! NOW! They apparently put the trash down and leave. TUUD (Sigh) They want me to move my things out of here because the Commander's arriving. Anyway, if you play another of your little practical jokes and have me courtmartialed for vacuum toilet sabotage again, I am personally going to come after you and do to you what Pejorative females have been doing to useless males like you for generations! Tuud hangs up on Blackadder. BLACKADDER (Raises an eyebrow) Withhold sex? I didn't know you cared! GARIBALDRIC Sir, they've gone and done it again! They've passed you over! What are we going to do? BLACKADDER Well, for one, we won't allow our macho Chief of Operations, Milo 'Oh, what a big spanner I have' Nobrain, to fix any plumbing problems in the Commander's quarters this time. It's bad enough that I had to cover up for him and distract the Major with that courtmartial. The Chief may be cracked... like... a large cracked thing with little cracks along its edges, but he can be controlled. It could be much worse. GARIBALDRIC I could be Chief Engineer. BLACKADDER Precisely. That would be much worse. No, Garibaldric, it appears that, once again, the gods have turned their backs on me, pulled down their elegant silken robes, and exposed the divine boils on their Olympic backsides. The senile gerontocracy at UNPLUG Central _still_ consider me a risk. GARIBALDRIC Because you're dishonest, corrupt and would sell your own grandmother for a cuppa H. H. C.? BLACKADDER No, not that. They all do that, otherwise they wouldn't be UNPLUG Central. No, it's that damned twenty-four hour period I spent on Pejor -- that I can't remember. GARIBALDRIC But how could you remember it if you said you couldn't remember? BLACKADDER No, I remembered that I can't remember the specifics. It's like when you try to follow written instructions. (Sigh) Aah'ghahd, It's not as if I want to be ruler of the galaxy and sole husbandoid to some beautiful five-breasted alien nymphomaniac Queen Asphyxia or anything -- although, mind you, I wouldn't turn that down. If I _am_ doomed to spend the rest of my career on this sad little space base in the middle of nowhere, orbiting the planet of the enormous bile repositories, I will do so as its commander. Then, I can send _other_ people out to be killed or maimed while I dine on commander's quarters room service -- like Pejorative roseanne-trout caviar with Cardigan oznabrag dip. And, free use of the commander's VR chair anytime I want. That's all I want. It's not so much to ask. GARIBALDRIC I have a _cunning_plan_! BLACKADDER Let me guess. Does it involve sleeping with Admiral- General Lord Flasheart? GARIBALDRIC That's amazing! You read my mind! BLACKADDER It's not difficult; your mind could pass for the top half of any of those eye charts down in sickbay. (Pauses) And it'd be easier to read -- the eye charts have more letters. Well, I'm out of ideas; I've tried everything. I have fewer ideas than a video network executive after a lobotomy -- and neutering. Except -- GARIBALDRIC Except? BLACKADDER I've got it! I'll get the promotion the _old_fashioned_ way! GARIBALDRIC You're going to sleep with the Admiral-General? BLACKADDER No, I'll _earn_ it! Instead of fleecing rich, dim tourists with made-up customs duties, padding my expense account and acting as the main source of H. H. C. on the base, I'll do it strictly by the numbers! I'll... I'll round up all the corrupt shopkeepers and even clamp down on the casino. GARIBALDRIC But you can't do that, sir! No one will be left to pay you protection money. BLACKADDER Garibaldric, sometimes one must be bloody evil to those who don't count to be seen as doing good by those who do. Yes, I'll be a paragon of justice and virtue! I'll stand out like a good thumb on this hairy, unwashed fist... then they'll be _forced_ to make me commander. Blackadder pauses and screws up his face at the thought of being a good guy, even for the darkest of reasons. BLACKADDER Naaaaaah! George enters. GEORGE I haven't even asked you to open your mouth and already you're saying 'Ahhhhh!' Good morning, Constable! Good morning, Garibaldric! GARIBALDRIC G'morning, Dr. George! BLACKADDER George, don't call me _constable_! GEORGE But it's such a really _roaring_ title. _Lieutenant_ _Commander_ is so long and boring. Boooo-ring! It's just the _Dull_ Asteroid Belt, circling the star Yawn-o-rama. BLACKADDER Look, I don't call you _Doctor_, so you don't call me _Constable_. All right? GEORGE Well, there's one difference. BLACKADDER And that is? GEORGE You don't call me Doctor because you don't believe that I am one. BLACKADDER George, of course I believe you're a doctor. Why wouldn't I believe someone with a medical degree written in crayon from the 'Tristan Farnon Memorial Veterinary Teaching Hospital'? GEORGE That's _exactly_ the question I keep asking. You'd be surprised how many people around here feel exactly as you do. Anyway, I'm going to the airlock lounge to greet our new commander. Aren't you coming? BLACKADDER No, George, I'm washing my hair. GEORGE Really? It doesn't look like you need -- (Catches on) Oh, I get it, it doesn't interest you. BLACKADDER (Mocking George) It launches me into orbit around the star Yawn-o-rama. When he wants to see me, he can bloody well come here. GEORGE I don't understand you sometimes, Constable. I would think that something like this would be just the hot core of the Excitement Nebula for everyone. It's not every day we get a new commander! BLACKADDER More like every _other_ day! GEORGE Ah, I see. The psychologist in me sees that you're venting your bitterness at being passed over. Oh well, Edmund, cheer up! They'll never give you the job -- that's just the way the orbit decays. Learn to live with it, that's my expert opinion! Garibaldric, you coming? GARIBALDRIC Wouldn't miss it for the world! George and Garibaldric leave. BLACKADDER George, you're somewhere in the Stupid Quadrant, on a collision course with the Head-Up-Your Black Hole. Computer, is the personnel file on our new base commander available yet? VO:COMPUTER Yes. BLACKADDER Computer, give me the personnel file on our new commander. VO:COMPUTER You do not have authorization to view that file. BLACKADDER But I'm the _Chief_of_Security_, you no good network of -- (Stops himself upon realizing he's arguing with a computer) Computer, authorization name Bryan Ferry, code zero-one-two-three-four, user routine 'SCREW U'. VO:COMPUTER Access denied. Divide by zero error. Server failure. Pipe cleaner helium chicken soup. Bypassing. Continuing. Reattempting to ferret your walrus. Continuing. BLACKADDER I do so love sticking it to dim computers! VO:COMPUTER Francis Flasheart, Commander, SpaceBase AVALON 59. The viewscreen displays a picture of Fran Flasheart. He looks like a deer who has just seen four massive and bright Halogen headlamps speeding in his direction at forty miles per second. Blackadder grimaces. BLACKADDER Flasheart? Fran...Flasheart? Aah'ghahd, it had to happen. Our beloved Admiral-General finally ran out of cronies to pay off, so he's starting on his family. Computer, service record? VO:COMPUTER Graduated, Neurotic Boarding School, upstate New York, Earth. Graduated, Point UNPLUG Academy. Served 3 years, SpaceFreighter USS Ethel Merman. Served 2 years, SpaceCruiser USS Paul Tsongas. Battlefield promotion to Captain, USS Tsongas when all officers abandoned ship, served until its destruction ten minutes later by the Borgnine. Captured by Borgnine, immediately returned as unassimilatable and a drag on their collective consciousness. Served 3 years in cushy desk job. Younger brother of Supreme Admiral-General Lord Flasheart. On the viewscreen, a blinking caption at the bottom appears: YOUNGER BROTHER OF LORD FLASHEART ADVISORY: MAJOR STRINGS WERE PULLED BLACKADDER That's all I need -- to wet-nurse old Flush-arse's little brother. VO:COMPUTER A personal message from Admiral-General Lord Flasheart has just arrived. Shall I display it? BLACKADDER Computer, yes. Admiral-General Lord Flasheart's image appears on the viewscreen. LORD FLASH Well, hello, Slackbladder! I wanted to be the FIRST to tell you; I pulled some MAJOR strings to get little brother on BOARD as your C. O.! There were some FOLKS who suggested, get this, that YOU should be KICKED upSTAIRS, but, you know about that old amNESIA thing, and besides, we both know that only a FLASHEART has the eQUIPment for that quadrant of SPACE! WOOF! OK, I know what you're saying. You're disappointed -- You're getting Fran and not me. Only _I_ can be ME, and the women of the UNIVERSE wouldn't HAVE it any other WAY! Hey, there are people who DRILL all the way through their PLANETS just so they can get a THRILL when I fly my personal SPACECRUISER through the HOLE! WOOF WOOF! But, he IS a FLASHEART, so he has what it (thrusts pelvis) TAKES -- and I'm sure that you're just the man to see to it that the REST of him gets JUST as big to match. WOOF! WOOF! Oh, BY the way, your former fiancee, you remember, Bobbie, says 'Hello!' -- well, actually, most of the time she's with me, she's HOWLING so LOUDly she doesn't even reMEMBER what day it is or her own NAME, much less her dull old SLACKbladder, but I thought I'd show proper FORM. Well, gotta go -- take care and don't MESS up, or I'll have to COME over and personally KILL you! The viewscreen goes blank. Blackadder, worn from years of this type of swashbuckling bombast from his old Academy buddy, Lord Flash, bears no animosity -- only contempt. BLACKADDER Git! The Cardigan ambassador, Deluxx, sashays into the office and right up to Blackadder. Deluxx is beautiful, with pale blue-white skin, and her blue-white hair pulled up in an alien-style bun in back. She looks like a live, life-size porcelain doll. DELUXX Hello, Edmund. Aren't you going to greet the new commander? BLACKADDER Well, Ambassador Deluxx, what a totally expected surprise. DELUXX Ambassador? How formal you are today, Edmund. You seem so detached -- not like the man with whom I spent Friday night all covered in home-made Cardigan oznabrag dip and warm cranberry sauce. BLACKADDER Not distant, nor unwilling; just exhausted -- and full. You know, a woman with your talent is wasted as a mere diplomat. You should resign and get a job in, say, the erotic cinema on Earth. DELUXX Would you be mine forever if I did? BLACKADDER Deluxx, I'm yours for as long as you have a tongue and the skill to use it. DELUXX You really know how to flatter a diplomat, don't you. BLACKADDER (Pause) Oh, I see. Ummm, I suppose you could take it that way, too. DELUXX Oooh, you naughty boy... But you never answered my first question. Aren't you going to greet the new commander? BLACKADDER No, I thought I'd stand here and get in a few more reps of Kegel exercises. Delux sashays forward toward Edmund. DELUXX Mmmmm, how would you like a freshly washed, hot Cardigan to wrap around you when you're done? BLACKADDER (Trying to look cold and uncaring, yet really, really turned on) Ummm, okay. Blackadder and Deluxx embrace in a manner reminiscent of two earthworms mating. INT. AVALON CONTROL A large, rather empty room with a viewscreen covering the majority of one wall. As one might expect with the low-budget nightmare that is called AVALON 59, lighted ads for Sony and Safeway flank the viewscreen. Control is essentially a crude reproduction of Houston Mission Control, with several long fold-up tables on which reside 20-30 futuristic, yet familiar PC's/workstations with mouse devices. Of course, the mouse pads are made of some amazingly futuristic material, with the 'MOUSEPADCORP/Formerly IBM' logo imprinted in bold, bright letters. The chairs are cheap, and used, and, like everything else, crudely bolted to the floor, wheels (if any) intact. Velcro strips connected to each arm of the chairs function as safety belts. Breathtakingly large amounts of an infinite variety of cabling hangs from the backs of each of the work- stations; some cabling connects workstations to each other, the rest connect workstations to small holes in random places in the floor. Obviously frayed cable ends and repair tags stick out from many holes in the floor and backs of workstations. A doorway on the wall opposite the viewscreen leads to the Commander's office. Some technicians are seated at their workstations; Nobrain is playing a video game on his workstation while Tuud arranges her belongings at her former and once-again-current station. Frustrated at her station's computer, she slaps it. TUUD Damn! I can't get _anything_ to work right! I wish I didn't have to give back the office -- I _hate_ my old desk! Tuud tears the mouse off the workstation and throws it at Nobrain's head. Her aim is accurate. TUUD Chief, when are you going to fix my station? NOBRAIN Lemme look. (Pause) It looks like you're missing a mouse. TUUD You moron, I just brained you with it! NOBRAIN Oh, I see. Lemme take a look. (Looks at the mouse) Hmmm, it looks like the problem is that it's not connected to your workstation. Tuud gets up, walks briskly over to Nobrain, grabs the mouse, wraps the dangling cord around his neck, picks him up halfway off the chair and starts to strangle him. TUUD I want to impress just one thought upon you before you turn blue, lose consciousness and asphyxiate. I want my station fixed. NOW! Tuud lets go of the cord, allowing Nobrain to fall back into the chair. Nobrain turns the other way and starts to talk quietly to no one in particular. NOBRAIN Geez, use a joke, get a choke. The technician at the Communications station responds to information on her screen. TECHNICIAN Major, the USS Harlan Ellison is hailing us. TUUD Answer and put them on the viewscreen. FLASHEART This is C-c-commander Fran Flasheart aboard the USS Ellison. We're about fifteen minutes away, and I was wondering if your sickbay is fully staffed. TUUD The doctor who runs it should be institutionalized, but the sickbay itself is in tip-top shape, sir. FLASHEART Good. I wanted to know because... I'm getting this throbbing pain in my chest, extending down into my abdomen, and, when I do this -- Tuud interrupts him as he gesticulates wildly. TUUD Sir, I'll alert Dr. Cremator, who is currently at the airlock waiting to greet you. AVALON out. FLASHEART Cremator? As in, 'to cremate'? -- Tuud motions to the comm tech to close the channel. TUUD What a spocking no-spocks hypochondriac. Tuud raises her voice to get everyone's attention. TUUD OK, folks, I'm on my way to the airlock to greet our new UNPLUG Commander. Try not to spock anything up while I'm gone. And, Chief -- fix my station! Tuud exits. Nobrain walks over to Tuud's workstation and checks it out. NOBRAIN Looks like I'm gonna need the L-aaa-ser Ch-aa-ains-aaa-w. R! R! R! R! R! ... Nobrain exits, gleeful in his anticipation of retrieving a really nasty tool from his workshop. INT. AVALON AIRLOCK WAITING LOUNGE -- A FEW MINUTES LATER George, Garibaldric, G'Whiz and several other folks await the arrival of the 'Ellison' and Cmdr. Flasheart. G'Whiz is a tall, but otherwise typical example of the Yarn -- he resembles an upright, bipedal alligator with a Rastafarian hairdo and military uniform, who shouts a lot. Tuud arrives from Control. G'WHIZ PeptoBISmol, Major Tuud! TUUD Ambassador. George...and (to Garibaldric) Cousin It. G'WHIZ So, you've HEARD from your new comMANder. Is he exactly what I never ofFICially TOLD you he was? TUUD Yes. G'WHIZ UnFORtunate. You know, I find most Earthers to be a bit FLESHy for my taste. Too easily injured, both PHYSically and eMOTionally. Not like we Yarn -- nor you, of course. TUUD (Nonplussed by the left-handed compliment) Gee, thanks, Ambassador. GEORGE So, Major, you've actually talked to him? What's he like? TUUD (Dripping with sarcasm) You should get along _famously_ with him, George. He was asking for you. GEORGE Really? Well, move me closer to my personal sun, remove my ozone layer and call me Sol 3! How marvelous! Deluxx and Blackadder arrive, breathless. That they dressed in an extreme hurry is obvious. G'WHIZ Ahh, Ambassador DeLUXX. PeptoBISmol! DELUXX Rolaids to you, Ambassador. G'WHIZ And, CONstable Blackadder. PeptoBISmol! BLACKADDER Quite. (Aside to Deluxx) I'll never get over how obsessed the Yarn are with their digestive complaints. DELUXX (Aside to Blackadder) Now, now. Tolerance, Edmund. BLACKADDER You sound like my mother. DELUXX I do? Oooh, we haven't _tried_ that one yet. Tuud walks goes over to Blackadder and pulls him aside. TUUD Pardon me, Ambassadors. (To Blackadder) I had an opportunity to talk briefly with our new commander a few minutes ago. BLACKADDER Let me guess -- a complete and total wally, even by our, shall we say, from your perspective, limited Earth standards? TUUD Bongo. A spocking wimp. What's wrong with your people? I've seen your actors John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzen- egger, and Penn and Teller. Isn't there anyone in UNPLUG with any spocks? BLACKADDER Well, one doesn't like to brag, but -- TUUD Oh yeah, you, right. Tuud laughs and walks back over to the others while George walks over to Blackadder. BLACKADDER You know, you didn't have to enjoy that quite so much. GEORGE I've heard that we're getting a new Science Officer, too. BLACKADDER Oh really? Knowing our masters, he'll probably be some old coot who makes his own alcohol -- that's what passes for science around here. VO:COMPUTER Attention. The USS Ellison has docked. Please stand well clear of the airlock. While the Ellison is in dock, there will be no plagarism of old 'Outer Limits' episodes permitted on this station, by order of UNPLUG Legal Division. This includes unintentional plagarism. Message ends. Tuud, Blackadder, George and Garibaldric queue up into an inspection/ receiving line. The ambassadors stand off to the other side. A moment passes, then the airlock opens. First out is Lt. Justa Duk, the new Science officer. She looks quite normal, except for the elaborate Barney the Dinosaur hand puppet she wears over her left hand. She works her way down the line -- both she (Justa) and the puppet (Duk) salute, but Duk does all the talking. DUK Hiiiii, it's just Stu-u-u-u-pendous to meet you! TUUD (Aside to Blackadder) This is what happens when ventriloquists are allowed to evolve. Moving down the line, Duk exchanges greetings with George. George is totally in love at first sight, although he doesn't quite know what to make of the hand-puppet symbiont. DUK Iiii'm the new Sciiience Officer, Lieutenant Justa Duk. GEORGE Pardon me, but I'm not familiar with your species. DUK I'm a Drill. We're a joined species. I'm the symbiont, and she's the host! GEORGE A Drill? How enchanting! I'm Dr. George Cremator, Chief of Medicine, and I want to be your sledgehammer. BLACKADDER George! GEORGE Oh, sorry, didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I've never -- BLACKADDER She knows you've never, I know you've never, we all know that you've never. GEORGE Perhaps once you're settled, you'd like to have dinner? Or, maybe an intense and gratuitously intrusive physical examination? I'm _really_ good at that! DUK That'd be Stu-u-u-u-pendous! Host turns to hand-puppet-symbiont and the two begin a heated yet whispered exchange. DUK On second thought, why don't we just _pretend_ to have dinner sometime! I think that'd be _great_! BLACKADDER That's just grand. We get Sybil the Science Officer. Duk greets the ambassadors, then exits. A moment passes, then an attendant rolls Flasheart out of the airlock in a wheelchair. FLASHEART (Wheeze) At ease, people. I'm (wheeze) just having a little anxiety attack. Who's Doctor Crematorium? GEORGE Uh, I am, sir. Cremator, sir. FLASHEART Whatever, great. (Wheeze) Take me to your sickbay. (Wheeze) What kind of drugs do you have? GEORGE Oh, we have simply _every_ kind, sir! FLASHEART Good, (Wheeze) 'cause I'm going to need 'em. Move out, Doctor. GEORGE Aye, aye, sir. George wheels Flasheart to sickbay. G'WHIZ So, THAT'S the new comMANder? Seems too SMALL. If I caught something like HIM, I'd throw him BACK! Blackadder is distracted by a guy with a computerized glass hand running past from the airlock and followed closely by two law officers with pale faces and very, very dark circles around their eyes, also from the _Ellison_. {In case you're scratching your head, that was an obscure Outer Limits/ Harlan Ellison visual pun} EXT. AVALON 59 -- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, STATION TIME We observe a space-suited stranger attaching a couple of nasty looking packages to the station. Having finished his task, the stranger floats off screen. A few seconds later, small rocket nozzles bloom from one side of each package. INT. BLACKADDER'S QUARTERS Close up on Blackadder, sleeping in his bunk. SFX: MUFFLED EXPLOSION Followed by the sound of lots of miscellaneous items falling on the floor. Blackadder awakens to find himself lying face down. BLACKADDER What the devil -- Blackadder then realizes that he is in fact lying on the inside wall of his bunk. Pull back to reveal that the wall of his cabin is now the floor. FADE OUT. ----------------------------------------------------- ACT II INT. AVALON CONTROL -- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT Confused technicians are standing on both side walls (ie the viewscreen wall and the door to the commander's office are still walls, albeit sideways now). A couple of technicians are still secured in their seats. Of course, the workstation mice are hanging down either toward whichever new 'floor' they are closest to. Tuud enters from the left 'floor'. TUUD (A little winded) Why do I always need to use my mountain-climing skills up here on a space station? George pokes his head through the right 'floor'. GEORGE Major, it's not 'up here', it's 'out here'. TUUD No, it's not 'out here', it's 'up yours'. GEORGE (Laughs uncomfortably) That Pejorative humor of yours. I don't know if you've noticed, but we're having a bit of a cock-up with the gravity thingee. You should _see_ sickbay. One of my boffins was working with various lab cultures and specimen jars. I just laughed, and laughed -- TUUD George, you're a spocking moron. Did you know that? GEORGE Well, actually, now that you mention it, some folks -- TUUD George, shut up. FLASHEART (Offscreen, panicky, from his office) Major, is that you? I couldn't sleep, so I was sitting at my desk, compulsively-repetitively massaging my temples and then there was this explosion, and then everything not bolted to the floor fell onto the side walls. TUUD (Calls out calmly, almost condescending) How are you, sir? FLASHEART (Trying unsuccesfully to disguise the raw panic in his voice) Fine, I'm floating in the center of the room, which is zero gee. I'd really like to wet my pants in an infantile display of total fear and anxiety, but I'm afraid to because the thrust might cause me to fall to one of the walls and hurt myself. Do you have any recommendations? TUUD Yes, sir, I do. FLASHEART I'm listening. TUUD Tie a knot in it and stay where you are. FLASHEART Sounds like a plan to me. You'll let me know when you've got this thing under control? TUUD I think you'll be able to figure it out for yourself, sir. FLASHEART Good. I think I'm going to faint now. Oooh, stars! Blackadder joins Tuud in the entrance to the left floor. BLACKADDER Well, Major. Re-enacting the Spider-Man bicentennial celebration, are we? TUUD Put a sock in it. We're rotating end-over-end rather than on our normal central-core axis. Since Control is at the midpoint between the two ends of the cylinder, we are now blessed with two floors, one on each wall. And Helpless the Wonder Weenie in his office over there is so fearful of losing control of his bodily functions that he just passed out. BLACKADDER All in all, just an average day on AVALON 59. TUUD (Disgusted) You got it. Nobrain, wearing some kind of macho looking electronic belt wired to his shoes, 'walks' into Control on the former floor, as if gravity is completely normal. NOBRAIN Hi, guys. Just hanging around? TUUD How are you able to waltz in here as if nothing is wrong? NOBRAIN Hey, after the last time I found myself walking three feet off the floor and I wasn't in love, I don't trust centrifugal gravity. That's why I carry my own. Nobrain presses a button on his belt and it lights up like a Christmas tree. NOBRAIN Yeah, I'm prepared for anything; I'm Grizzly Nobrain, Space Wilderness Man! R! R! R! R! ... TUUD Hey, Grizzly, how about squeezing in a little work on our gravity in between hugging trees? NOBRAIN Ok, ok, chill, jill, I'll fill the bill! Nobrain sits at a workstation, reels in the mouse, drags, clicks and presses a button. NOBRAIN There. TUUD That's it? Nothing's happening. Suddenly, gravity shifts back to normal. Tuud, Blackadder and George fall rather quickly to the usual floor. Nobrain, with his own personal gravity belt, looks around in amusement. NOBRAIN It's _fixed_! TUUD (Sarcastically) Thank you, Chief. Flasheart runs out of his office. FLASHEART I want to hear all about this -- when I get back from the bathroom -- and the ship's pharmacy. Flasheart exits. GEORGE Well, that's my cue! (Exits) George exits. NOBRAIN Yeah, there are two things my dad told me never to do without gravity: toga parties without underwear and pancakes with maple syrup. INT. COMMANDER'S MEETING ROOM -- THE NEXT MORNING Commander's meeting room. Flasheart, Tuud, Duk, Blackadder, George and Nobrain are seated at the table. Flasheart sits at the head of the table; an 'Out of Order, Use Easel/Paper' sign is affixed to a viewscreen on the wall behind him. A cheap easel with large-size pad of drawing paper is propped against a side wall. FLASHEART Ok, people, I want to get down to business. First, George, thanks for the quadro-triti-Valium Select. For a while, I thought all the blood vessels in my head were going to burst simultaneously, as my lungs collapsed and kidneys failed, but I'm doing much better now. I feel like only _one_ of my eyes is as big as a cue ball, and that's an improvement. GEORGE Oh, tish, pshaw, don't mention it, sir. FLASHEART We have three items to discuss: first, the explosion and gravity-shift we experienced this morning; second, the impending arrival of the new ambassador from the Orlon Collection; and third, (pauses, looks around, and speaks quietly) I want to hear any ideas any of you might have on how to kill my big brother so I can get reassigned back to Earth. GEORGE Aww, but sir, you just got here! And AVALON is a really super place, once you get used to it. FLASHEART I don't want anything to do with any space station which was named after a Roxy Music song. BLACKADDER Sir, would one be correct in assuming that you and your brother are not on the best of terms? FLASHEART Oh, no, not at all -- he _loves_ me! He did this to me for my _own_good_! My brother -- George, gimme another Valium -- the great space explorer and stud of the galaxy, can't understand that, unlike the rest of our family, I'm sensitive and caring! George, VALIUM!!! George hands Flasheart a quadro-triti-Valium Select, a large, nasty looking glowing capsule, which Flasheart grabs and gobbles down, followed by a gulp of water from a paper cup. FLASHEART My family forced me to join the UNPLUG Space Guard. Tremendous, tremendous pressure -- from them, from my brother. Don't get me wrong, I like space. I just don't want to be a _commander_. I -- I -- have different dreams, other desires. BLACKADDER So, you bow to the applause of a different audience than our beloved Admiral-General... Would one be impertinent to ask, how different? FLASHEART Well... I want to be a stand-up comic. DUK Iiii think that's stu-u-u-u-pendous! Let's _all_ pretend we're stand-up comics! Everybody does a take at Lt. Duk, except George, who's been entranced with her all along. BLACKADDER Oh dear, and here I was afraid that you might want to do something silly. Flasheart speaks in a wimpy growl in an attempt to assert his authority by proving that he is the most deranged person in the room. FLASHEART Watch it, Blackadder -- I may be a raw, exposed bundle of hypersensitive nerves covered by the inflamed epidermis of a neurotic loser, but I'm still your commanding officer for as long as I'm buried here. BLACKADDER Indeed. My apologies, sir, no disrespect intended. (To himself) Well, not much anyway. FLASHEART Anyway, as I was saying, my brother got me assigned here in the hope that it'd toughen me up and after a few years or so I'd be fit to be let back in our house. BLACKADDER A few years? FLASHEART Well, he may have said twenty or thirty years -- I forget. BLACKADDER Twenty? -- TUUD This has been very enlightening, sir, but can we get back on track? FLASHEART Yes, absolutely, thank you Major. Lt. Duk, I'd like to hear your science report on the explosion, followed by Lt. Commander Blackadder's security report. Justa Duk gets up and walks over to the easel. DUK Weeeelll, I thought it'd be really neat-o to present my report as a song! Are you all ready to sing with me? FLASHEART Umm, Lieutenant. No offense, and I respect the age and wisdom of your symbiont, but I think everyone here at the table agrees that if the hand-puppet continues to talk for you when you're on duty, we're going to beat it senseless with a large ball-peen hammer. NOBRAIN And I have one here, just in case. I'm always prepared. FLASHEART I'd much prefer just the host to speak. I know, it's strange, but what can I say? It's an un-joined, human thing. OK? DUK It's better to say what you feel than have your blood congeal! I _looove_ you for your honesty! FLASHEART Oh, great, the hand puppet turns the other cheek. JUSTA (With just a hint of stuck-up Valleygirlspeak) Well, it's like, you know, someone stuck a couple of really wicked retro-rockets on one end of the station. When they went off, they caused the station to rotate end-to- end instead of, like, you know, rolling. I checked how hard the stickum on the rockets had stuck to the outside, and I believe that, like, it had only been stuck for an hour or so before it went off. TUUD (Quietly, to Blackadder) Now I understand why they line up to join with those spocking hand-puppets -- they need the intelligence boost! FLASHEART Did you recognize the construction of the rockets? JUSTA Oh, like you wanted me to do that, too? The hand-puppet gets Justa's attention. They whisper to each other for a moment. JUSTA Umm, it's like, Yarn design and technology. FLASHEART So, it looks like the Yarn planted it. TUUD Or, someone who wanted to make it _look_ like the Yarn planted it. GEORGE Or, the Yarn could have placed it to make it _look_ like someone who wanted to make it _look_ like the Yarn planted it! ALL EXCEPT GEORGE (IN UNISON) George, shut up! BLACKADDER The origin of the technology is irrelevant. As everyone knows, UNPLUG, the Yarn, the Cardigans, and the Orlons will sell technology to anyone and his grandmother's clones. The only prime directive here is 'He who dies with the largest bank account wins.' TUUD Don't forget my people -- we sell _just_ as much as any of the big guys, but for less, thanks to lower overhead! BLACKADDER Thank you, Major, for that advert. I'm afraid, sir, that it may not be possible to determine who did this and why. FLASHEART That's not good enough. A lot of important guests lost their head cheese this morning. There are going to be questions, and I'm gonna need answers. (Pauses) Does my left eye look bloodshot? It feels like it's going to burst out of my head. TUUD Your eye looks fine, sir. GEORGE Actually, sir, it looks -- BLACKADDER Ah, don't worry, sir. I will provide you with whatever answers you require. Computer, ring my assistant. VO:COMPUTER There is no one on board with the name Miassistant. BLACKADDER Garibaldric! Computer, ring Garibaldric! VO:COMPUTER There is no working viewscreen in your vicinity. Do you still want to connect to Security Officer Garibaldric? BLACKADDER Yes. VO:COMPUTER UNPLUG Medical strongly advises that audio communication is not as effective without the capability to sense non- verbal dialog, and misunderstandings and loss of self- esteem can result. Are you sure -- BLACKADDER Yes, you sniveling socialist software! Get me Garibaldric! VO:COMPUTER Connection established. VO:GARIBALDRIC Secrecy department, Garibaldric speaking. BLACKADDER Garibaldric, it's me. VO:GARIBALDRIC Me who? BLACKADDER Your superior. VO:GARIBALDRIC That could be anybody. BLACKADDER This is Blackadder. VO:GARIBALDRIC You can't be him, he's in a meeting. BLACKADDER No, _this_IS_Lieutenant_Commander_Blackadder_. VO:GARIBALDRIC How come I can't see you? BLACKADDER The viewscreen's broken, like your ability to understand polysyllabic words. VO:GARIBALDRIC Oh, it really _is_ you. Sorry, sir, I thought you were pretending to be you. BLACKADDER Garibaldric, I'd like to pretend you weren't you, but as Dame Fortune has only broken wind in my direction for as long as I can remember, I am forced to live with harsh reality. I have a task for you. You know the usual suspects? VO:GARIBALDRIC Yes? BLACKADDER Round them up, there's a good chap. VO:GARIBALDRIC Oy, oy, sir. BLACKADDER That's 'Aye, Aye'. And while you're at it, include yourself. Computer, end communication. VO:COMPUTER Communication ended. Advisory: the number of misunderstandings in your communication exceeded the UNPLUG Medical-established threshold-- BLACKADDER Computer, can you understand the words 'SHUT UP' in audio only, or shall I draw you a picture? INT. AVALON SCIENCE LAB -- LATER THAT AFTERNOON Blackadder and Justa Duk examine the rocket packages. BLACKADDER I just don't understand. Why would someone want to do this? DUK Because they're _not_ nice people! I know a song about nice people -- let's all sing! BLACKADDER I know a song about a hand puppet and a very large stick of dynamite sticking where only a hand has gone before. Duk faints (Justa's left hand goes limp) JUSTA Like, look what you've done. BLACKADDER I know, but it really was the lesser of two evils. Now, let's approach this logically. JUSTA Logically? What's that? BLACKADDER Lieutenant, before you were joined to Pollyanna the Purple Puppet there, what did you study at Point UNPLUG Academy? JUSTA I was a Personal Appearance Technologist. BLACKADDER Ahh, I see. A hairdresser. JUSTA Personal Appearance Technologist! BLACKADDER Quite. So Duk is the scientist. JUSTA What's your point? BLACKADDER I just wanted to know in case I find any large paper bags you might not be able to deduce your way out of. JUSTA Huh? BLACKADDER Never mind, I'll get Garibaldric to explain it to you. That should keep both of you busy until the end of time. Anyway, back to the point at hand. Why would anyone want to change the rotation of the station? Deluxx enters. DELUXX Or the angle of the dangle? BLACKADDER Ambassador? How nice to see you. DELUXX I'm sure you'd find it much nicer to see more of me. BLACKADDER (Caught off guard by her lack of discretion) I'm on _duty_. DELUXX Oh? How dreary. Deluxx pulls out a small card from her sleeve and gives it to Blackadder. DELUXX Edmund, here is some information which might be of help. BLACKADDER Deluxx, your government doesn't normally cooperate with UNPLUG. Aren't you going to get into trouble? Deluxx smiles enigmatically. DELUXX If anyone asks, just tell them you found it in your trousers. Ta! Deluxx leaves. Blackadder examines the card. BLACKADDER Aah'ghahd, it's another of her 'Trivial Pursuit' cards. When she knows something important, she always shows up at a convenient moment and gives me one -- Justa raises an eyebrow, causing Blackadder to get a bit defensive. BLACKADDER -- a _card_. Like this one. I'm sure it's from her government's classified files. JUSTA Like, what's it say? BLACKADDER Who blew up an entire solar system when the orbit of one of the planets they colonized was found to be erratic? JUSTA Oh, I know. It's, like, this mega-wealthy rock star -- INT. AVALON CAFETERIA -- DINNER Blackadder, Garibaldric and George are eating. GEORGE ...Well, I think it was the janitorial staff. Think about it -- what's the easiest way to clean the floor? Move the dirt to the walls! BLACKADDER George, you know, you're better at doing my job than you are at medicine. GEORGE Oh? Why thank you, Edmund. GARIBALDRIC The regulars in the bar think that it was a conspiracy to get them to pay their tabs. BLACKADDER The regulars in the bar aren't capable of higher brain functionality, much less thinking. Tuud and Nobrain, with trays, enter. TUUD Mind if we join you? BLACKADDER Yes, but that won't stop you -- Tuud and Nobrain sit down, oblivious to Blackadder's comment. TUUD -- Great. NOBRAIN Well, judging by what's on my plate, I'm gonna have to fix the food replicators again. BLACKADDER We don't _have_ food replicators, Chief. NOBRAIN Then what did I fix the last time? BLACKADDER Mrs. Miggins, the pie chef. NOBRAIN (Snickers) Oh, yeah, I forgot. BLACKADDER Everytime anyone shook her hand, she'd vomit up a meat pie. It was disgusting. NOBRAIN Yeah, but they were _great_ meat pies. Real spaceman food, R! R! R! R! ... BLACKADDER If you don't stop making that grunting noise, I'm going to go over to the 'In case of machismo attack, break glass' and stuff the special emergency quiche down your throat. NOBRAIN (Sniffs the air) Hey, you guys smell something? BLACKADDER Only Garibaldric. GARIBALDRIC I don't smell anything. BLACKADDER That's probably for the best. TUUD Yeah, I smell something. From Earth. Outdoorsy. GEORGE A fresh pine scent. The mark of the janitorial staff! TUUD But we don't have anything like that in the Arboretum. BLACKADDER This may be another attempt at sabotage. We need to analyze the air. George, do you have your mediscan unit with you? GEORGE No, but I have a scratch-and-sniff pocket calculator. BLACKADDER I suggest we all put our napkins over our noses and head for the sickbay at once. TUUD Chief Nobrain and I will inspect the ventilation system. NOBRAIN Awright, a chance to tear apart lots of big motors and gears and stuff, R! R! R! R! I'll get my drill -- I adapted it from an old photon torpedo! R! R! R! BLACKADDER ...But first, I'm going to get the emergency quiche. INT. AVALON SICKBAY George is analyzing air samples while Blackadder and Garibaldric look on. GEORGE Well, the readout indicates that -- it's pine scent. BLACKADDER No poison? Airborne virus? Nothing? George responds while studying the readout. GEORGE Aaahhh, not exactly. I read... the... usual level of poisons and airborne viruses. There's always a little bit present. BLACKADDER Like your aftershave. I see. GEORGE (Misses it) No, actually, more like the turbine oil in primitive Earth submarines. It seems those boys had to bring a little bit of the stuff with them to put in coffee during their shore leave, so it'd _taste_ the same -- SFX: EEEEEEYYYYAAAAGH (VOMIT SOUND) BLACKADDER Garibaldric! GARIBALDRIC It wasn't me! GEORGE Oh, it's my viewscreen. It's called PukeRing. Instead of a telephone ring, I get 'Bleeach!'. It's quite a panic, isn't it! BLACKADDER Answer it before I give you a reason to panic! George presses the viewscreen button. Tuud, decked out in gasmask and gloves, appears on the viewscreen. George continues to work at the medical station while talking to Tuud. TUUD Well, we found the source. It's a large canister of some kind of gas with a timer. Chief Nobrain is unhooking it now. GEORGE Major, you can take off the gasmask, it's just pine scent. TUUD Good. The damn things make me claustrophobic. Chief? NOBRAIN R! R! R! R! -- R? TUUD Would you bring the canister over here? NOBRAIN R! TUUD Have you ever seen markings like this? (Holds up the canister to the viewscreen) BLACKADDER Actually, yes. It's some kind of Orlon warning, I think. Stay there, I'll be down in a moment. Blackadder closes the viewscreen link. INT. AVALON VENTILATION SYSTEM CORRIDOR -- A FEW MINUTES LATER Tuud and Nobrain are lying on the floor, unconscious. Blackadder enters. BLACKADDER Major? Chief? Blackadder finds a pulse on both of them, then quickly pulls out Nobrain's wallet, pulls out a couple of bills, and puts it back. BLACKADDER No sense in letting an opportunity like this go to waste. VOICE Emissionary! Blackadder turns around to see Tuud, in gasmask -- or is it? 'TUUD' Emissionary. It is meaningless to you. BLACKADDER You have me at a loss. 'Tuud' morphs into 'Nobrain', still wearing a gasmask. 'NOBRAIN' Where is it? BLACKADDER Where is what? 'NOBRAIN' I can see into your mind. You are the one, but you have no consciousness of it. BLACKADDER Do you find pine fragrance to be intoxicating, or are you simply mad? 'Nobrain' morphs into 'Blackadder' (in gasmask) and runs down the corridor. Blackadder chases and finally catches him. The stranger morphs several times during the struggle, prompting Blackadder to say: BLACKADDER Stop that; Michael Jackson's been dead for _centuries_! The stranger knees Blackadder in the spocks and pushes him to the other side of the corridor. The stranger morphs again, becoming a Cardigan male. The stranger's oversized belt buckle starts to spark, so he removes it, presses a button on it and throws it aside. After a moment, it self-destructs. STRANGER You have a hole in your sock. The stranger pulls out a rose from his pocket, lifts up his gas mask, inhales deeply, and dies. BLACKADDER Well, it appears he rose to the occasion... FADE OUT. -END OF PART 1---CUT-HERE------------------------------------------------------- X-Andrew-WideReply: netnews.alt.comedy.british.blackadder X-Andrew-Authenticated-as: 0;andrew.cmu.edu;Network-Mail Received: via nntpserv with nntp; Wed, 13 Apr 1994 13:28:52 -0400 (EDT) Path: andrew.cmu.edu!bb3.andrew.cmu.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!msuinfo!netnews.upenn.edu!gbrophy From: gbrophy@mail.sas.upenn.edu (Gwendolyn M Brophy) Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder Subject: Blackadder/DS9 2 Date: 13 Apr 1994 16:46:46 GMT Organization: University of Pennsylvania, School of Arts and Sciences Lines: 1004 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2oh7lm$dq0@netnews.upenn.edu> References: <2oh7kb$dm3@netnews.upenn.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: mail.sas.upenn.edu From netnews.upenn.edu!msuinfo!uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!well!baldric Sun Jan 16 22:59:28 EST 1994 Article: 8924 of alt.startrek.creative Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Path: netnews.upenn.edu!msuinfo!uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!well!baldric From: baldric@well.sf.ca.us (S. Baldric) Subject: Parody: BLACKADDERLON 59 "Emissionary" (part 02/02) Message-ID: Sender: news@well.sf.ca.us Nntp-Posting-Host: well.sf.ca.us Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #1 (NOV) Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 01:27:08 GMT Lines: 987 Status: RO Here's part 2 of the BLACKADDERLON 59 'pilot', Emissionary. But first, a man with two copyright notices. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Copyright (C) 1993 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only. 'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK- ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK- ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ -PART 2 OF 2---CUT-HERE--------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- ACT III INT. BLACKADDER'S QUARTERS -- BEDTIME Blackadder's quarters, later that evening. Deluxx and Blackadder are in bed. DELUXX Mmmmm, Edward, you're right. Sometimes it's better just to lie here together, you know, without my set of heated, vibrating teflon-coated mechanical multi-legged pleasure spiders, or the two-meter A-I-action hydraulic octopus -- or even a couple of cubes of hallucinogenic head cheese. BLACKADDER Yes, just you, me and the bed. That's what we Earthers call 'roughing it'. DELUXX Ooooh, that word. RRRRrrough. Edmund, I'm in the mood for rrrough. I want you to get rrrrough with me. Hurt me and I'll be yours forever, Edmund. BLACKADDER Y'know, this isn't just a Cardigan female thing with you, is it. You're completely barking mad! Down on all fours with rabid foam dripping from your snout, aren't you. And somehow I've gotten tangled up in your leash -- DELUXX (Eyes lighting up) Leash? BLACKADDER Don't change the subject. DELUXX (Pouting) Does that mean you won't play along? Blackadder pretends to think about his answer for a moment. BLACKADDER Ummmm, no. So, you've been a _bad_ little Cardigan girl? DELUXX Yes -- BLACKADDER And you want me to punish you? DELUXX Oh, yes -- BLACKADDER You want me to... _hurt_ you? DELUXX Ohhhh, yessss! BLACKADDER You want that more than anything? DELUXX _Yyyyyeeeeess_! Blackadder faces her and speaks in his most commanding tone. BLACKADDER Never! Absolutely _not_! Deluxx sighs, and her eyes flutter for a moment. DELUXX Ohh, that was wonderful! You were fantastic! So... so _commanding_! BLACKADDER Nothing but the best for you, my dear. Deluxx and Blackadder cuddle a little closer. DELUXX Edmund? BLACKADDER Hmmmm? DELUXX You know, you don't usually, well, _think_ this much when we're together like this. Are you still troubled by that Cardigan terrorist? I told you, he's a rogue... He was wanted on Cardigan. By killing himself, he saved my government a lot of money -- D. I. Y. is always more cost-effective than a show trial and execution. BLACKADDER It's _how_ he killed himself and _what_ he said that troubles me. DELUXX Well, how did he kill himself? BLACKADDER He stuffed a rose up his nose. DELUXX (Laughs) That shouldn't have killed him! BLACKADDER Yes, I know. Lt. Duk analyzed the rose and found it to be replicated, but otherwise completely normal. George will perform an autopsy on the body tomorrow, as soon as he finishes reading the Cardigan Autopsy Frequently Asked Questions document he pulled off your government's public data archive. DELUXX And what did he say to you just before? BLACKADDER Something very curious. 'You have a hole in your sock' -- Deluxx gasps slightly, then regains her composure. Blackadder doesn't notice. BLACKADDER -- makes no sense. I mean, I was wearing _shoes_; he couldn't even _see_ my socks. DELUXX It is an old Cardigan insult. BLACKADDER Oh? He didn't look like an old Cardigan. DELUXX (Giggles) Oh Edmund, you're so funny. Let's (whispers something to him) BLACKADDER No, we _can't_! The last time we did that, I couldn't drink anything cold for _weeks_ afterward! INT. COMMANDER'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING Flasheart is in a neck brace. SFX: CHEAP DOORBELL 'DING-DONG' FLASHEART Come in. Nothing happens. FLASHEART Use the manual ingress tool next to the door! With a violent thud, the business end of a crowbar wedges itself between the closed doors. After a bit of noise and little movement, the doors suddenly slide open. Blackadder, using the crowbar on the other side, falls forward into the office. BLACKADDER (On the floor) I presume that your door is on the Chief's service list? FLASHEART No, it's _fixed_. You should have seen what it did _before_ he fixed it. BLACKADDER Oh yes, I noticed the neck brace. FLASHEART Neck brace? The Commander feels around his neck, discovering the neck brace and takes it off. FLASHEART Damn new-commander pranks! No wonder all the techs snickered when I came in this morning. BLACKADDER Sir, I wanted to talk to you about the pine scent terrorist from yesterday. FLASHEART I read your report. The guy killed himself by stuffing a rose up his nose? BLACKADDER There was no possible way a rose could have killed him. Cardigans aren't even allergic to roses. FLASHEART How do you know? BLACKADDER Let's just say I have experience in the matter. Blackadder turns to the camera, smiles slightly and arches an eyebrow. FLASHEART Have you considered the possibility that he _wasn't_ a Cardigan? Aside from your dog Garibaldric, nobody else has the ability to shapeshift like you said he did. BLACKADDER He didn't actually _shapeshift_ as such. When I had him in a headlock -- FLASHEART Headlock? BLACKADDER When I managed to restrain him -- FLASHEART Restrain? BLACKADDER All right, while he was kicking the sod out of me, I noticed that what my hands felt did not correspond to what I saw. I believe that our friend had a personal holographic projection field in his belt-buckle. FLASHEART But was he a real Cardigan at the end? BLACKADDER That's what I hope George can tell us. George enters. GEORGE Someone mention my name? BLACKADDER Only in contempt, I assure you. GEORGE Good one, Constable. You're in rare form today! BLACKADDER George, don't call me Cons- FLASHEART Constable? I like it. It fits you, Blackadder. Pompous, but with just a _hint_ of oily. BLACKADDER Like 'Commander' fits you? FLASHEART _What_?! BLACKADDER I said, 'Like Commander Fitzhume'. GEORGE That old nebula-head? Talk about a scientist! He distills his own alcohol! It's a riot! BLACKADDER What did you find from the autopsy of the terrorist? GEORGE Autopsy? Oh, right. Couldn't do one. A couple of Cardigans arrived at the station and claimed the body. FLASHEART Oh god, I'm dead. Roasted. On a spit, with low-cal barbecue sauce. BLACKADDER And you _let_ them take it? GEORGE They said they were relatives. They were _crying_, their mascara was running. If I hadn't, I would have felt a total heartless bastard. FLASHEART _BE_ a heartless bastard! The person who assigned you here was! BLACKADDER George, you're not a heartless bastard. GEORGE Thank you, Edmund. That means a lot coming from you. BLACKADDER You're a brainless prat! INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON Blackadder's office. Blackadder is looking over computer records and jotting some notes on a pad. Cmdr. Flasheart rings up on the viewscreen. FLASHEART Anything yet? BLACKADDER Nothing, sir. I'm still checking the station logs. FLASHEART Lemme know the instant you find anything. Geez, my eye is swelling -- BLACKADDER (Presses 'off' button) You should get it looked at. VO:COMPUTER Communication ended. Advisory: -- BLACKADDER Computer, thank you. Interference with station rotation. Malicious use of a pine scent. A Cardigan who's a criminal who may not be a Cardigan and who is definitely no longer here. (Picks up Deluxx's card) Who blew up an entire solar system when the orbit of one of the planets they colonized was found to be erratic? Ambassador G'Whiz enters. G'WHIZ PeptoBISmol to you, Constable. BLACKADDER And you, Ambassador. G'WHIZ Quite a LOT of acTIVity these past couple of days. My GOVernment is somewhat conCERned about the safety of its deleGAtion. I assured them that Constable BLACK- adder is at the table and heartilly DIGging into the PROBlem. BLACKADDER Your culinary metaphors are most -- culinary, Ambassador. G'WHIZ You FLATter me, sir. I'm considered quite the ORDinary eloCUTionist back home. BLACKADDER Really? If that's the case, then remind me never to take in one of your vidcast football games. G'WHIZ Your compliment has distracted me from my business here. Have you identified the culprits yet? BLACKADDER Culprits? G'Whiz realizes he has given something away and is clearly caught off guard. G'WHIZ ...Or culprit. I expect that when you find the perpetrator -- or perpetrators -- of these dastardly deeds, UNPLUG's space fleet will flow like ACid into the field of battle and utterly diGEST the enemy. It will be GLORious! Blackadder, suspicious, decides to lead G'Whiz on. BLACKADDER Well, we're _very_ close to finding -- the culprits. G'WHIZ Remember, Constable, the Yarn Republic has been a close friend and ally of UNPLUG for all of our brief existence. We Yarn have never attempted to pull the wool over your eyes. BLACKADDER Very droll, ambassador. G'WHIZ Rest assured, UNPLUG won't be dining alone. The Yarn will be at your side to make a meal of the enemy! BLACKADDER I'll make sure that the Commander is made aware of your support. G'WHIZ I AM most GRATified. I must be off -- yet another mealtime, you know. CHARmin, Constable! Ambassador G'Whiz leaves. BLACKADDER And a big flush to you, too, Ambassador... Hmmm... Could the Yarn be the thread running through all of this? Blackadder realizes what he just said and makes a medicine face. He swivels around in his chair to watch his 3x4-screen video-wall. He notices a Pejorative news program on screen 5. BLACKADDER Computer, display subscreen 5 on main viewer, with audio. Onscreen, the Pejorative Guy Pacman is leaving the main Pejorative temple, chased by a mob of obnoxious reporters and camera operators. VO:NEWSREADER -- religious leader Guy Pacman, forced into retirement last week due to a scandal involving the Holy Sock of Pejor, came back today to clean out his confessional. GUY PACMAN I didn't steal the Sock of the Souls. I -- I _borrowed_ it, yeah, that's the ticket. I'm the -- I'm the one destined to remove and return the Holy Sock. Yeah, that's it, I'm the Emi-- VO:NEWSREADER As you may remember, the Guy was caught attempting to sell the Sock, the most holy artifact in Pejorative religion, to some Orlon buyers. After returning the Sock to its rightful place in the Holy Closet, the Council of Elders demanded his resignation. The new Guy, Guy Edna, was anointed by the Council yesterday and will hold her first Sock Service tomorrow. Onscreen, close up of purple, glittery sock with a hole in the toe, encased in a high-security art-museum-style display. BLACKADDER Hangonaminnit! _I_ have a sock _just_like_that_ in my drawer! I _thought_ it was odd that I actually retrieved _more_ socks from the clothes dryer than I put in. The viewscreen rings. Blackadder pushes the 'answer' button and Major Tuud's image pops up on the viewscreen. TUUD Blackadder, the Orlon ambassador is requesting clearance to dock and come aboard, and, as usual, we got no advance notice. BLACKADDER On my way. Blackadder presses the button again and the viewscreen returns to the previous pictures. BLACKADDER No bloody word -- VO:COMPUTER A message from UNPLUG Central Command has just arrived. Shall I display it? BLACKADDER Ah, that'll be the advance notice. Computer, subject? VO:COMPUTER The ambassador from the Orlon Collection will be arriving -- BLACKADDER Computer, I'll read it later. You'd think that someone would have figured out by now that ships travelling faster than light travel faster than messages travelling _at_ lightspeed, but that's too abstract a concept for our glorious leaders. VO:COMPUTER This unit does not 'think', per se-- BLACKADDER Computer, I wasn't talking to you, and I know you can't think -- if you could, you certainly wouldn't be here. So shut up. INT. AVALON AIRLOCK WAITING LOUNGE -- A FEW MINUTES LATER Airlock waiting lounge. Tuud, Nobrain, George, Garibaldric, Lt. Duk, G'Whiz, Deluxx and various base staff and visitors are milling around, waiting for the airlock to open. Blackadder enters. VO:COMPUTER Attention. The Orlon vessel 'Fire Engine Red with Really Bold Yellow Stripes Along the Sides' has docked. Please stand well clear of the airlock. Message ends. G'WHIZ You know, those ORlons have a very alien way of referring to things. EVERYthing has to be some kind of _COLOR_! BLACKADDER I suppose the Orlons don't view reality as merely black and white, Ambassador? Everybody laughs at Blackadder's joke. G'WHIZ Ahhh, Constable, once again you reGALE us with a little SNACK of your STEAK knife-sharp WIT! You are _much_ too clever by half for this little outpost! BLACKADDER (Half to himself) Tell me something I _don't_ know. Cmdr. Flasheart arrives, out of breath and twitching something awful. FLASHEART All right, people, line up over here next to me. Look sharp. Remember, Orlons evolved from insects. They are still notorious anal-retentives with a protocol fetish -- BLACKADDER Like you, sir? Flasheart glares at Blackadder momentarily and continues. FLASHEART -- so don't deviate from our standard greeting procedures, okay? The staff members nod and mumble affirmations. FLASHEART _Okay?_ STAFF (in unison) Yes, sir. The officers form a review line; G'Whiz and Deluxx stand opposite. Everyone else clears away from the airlock. VO:COMPUTER Announcing the arrival of Light Mauve, Ambassador from the Orlon Collection. The airlock opens, and the ambassador, encased in an Orlon encounter suit and looking like a Dalek with Darth Vader's helmet attached on top, rolls out of the airlock and onto the deck. He stops next to Flasheart, and Mauve's top half does a 90-degree turn to face him. A Steven Hawking- style electronically synthesized voice, devoid of inflection (hence the need to verbalize all punctuation) emanates from an integral speaker. MAUVE I AM LIGHT MAUVE -- AMBASSADOR FROM THE ORLON -- COLLECTION -- HERE ARE MY CREDENTIALS A small door opens in the middle of the suit, and a small cassette pops out. Flasheart takes it. FLASHEART On behalf of UNPLUG, welcome aboard AVALON 59. Allow me to introduce my staff. Flasheart and Mauve proceed down the line, first to Tuud. FLASHEART I present First Officer Major Adi Tuud, from Pejor. Tuud always says 'Hello' in an exaggerated way. TUUD Hhhellllloo. MAUVE QUESTION A PEJORATIVE FIRST OFFICER QUESTION -- HOW INTRIGUING They move on to George. FLASHEART Chief Medical Officer George Cremator, from Earth. MAUVE CREMATOR -- QUESTION AS IN QUOTE TO CREMATE QUOTE QUESTION They move on to Blackadder. FLASHEART Our chief of security, Edmund Blackadder. MAUVE (Unintelligible sounds, ostensibly unfiltered Orlon speech) Flasheart is puzzled by Mauve's apparent hearing problem. FLASHEART Ahem. Edmund Blackadder, security chief. Mauve turns to Flasheart. MAUVE EXCLAMATION HOW DARE YOU INSULT AN AMBASSADOR OF THE GLORIOUS ORLON COLLECTION EXCLAMATION FLASHEART What did I say? MAUVE YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT YOU SAID -- I SHALL RETURN TO MY SHIP AND CONSULT WITH MY GOVERNMENT REGARDING OUR RESPONSE (Click, unintelligible Orlon speech) Mauve turns about and rolls back through the airlock. Flasheart freaks. FLASHEART What did I say? Could someone explain to me what just happened? I can feel it -- I'm breaking out in a -- G'WHIZ Well, comMANder, I think I can shed some light on this DARK subject. You see, the ORlons' native tongue appears to involve color. As I underSTAND it, 'Light' is Light Mauve's title, not his first name. I suspect that Orlons find darker colors somewhat ofFENsive. Hearing G'whiz, Blackadder makes the connection. BLACKADDER -- Aaah'ghahd... and the name 'Blackadder' must be, to them, the foulest of epithets. Well, sir, congratulations, you just probably called the Ambassador's parentage into question, as well as suggested his mother indulged in certain unsanitary avocations in which items made of latex hold positions of prominence. FLASHEART Me? It was _your_ name, Blackadder. BLACKADDER Oh, I see, so it's _my_ fault, is it? FLASHEART It's _your_ name! GEORGE Now, now, sirs, calm down, it's a mistake _anyone_ could have made. FLASHEART Good, then _you_ can be the one courtmartialed. GEORGE But sir -- (begins to blubber) FLASHEART Okay, people, meeting, my conference room, ten minutes. And, George, wipe your nose and bring some Aldebaran skyscraper-beast tranquilizer with you. My whole left side is beginning to cramp up again, and I've developed a tolerance to Val-Select. INT. AVALON CONTROL Tuud, Nobrain and Duk are at their posistions. George, Garibaldric and Blackadder are milling around in back, waiting for Flasheart. BLACKADDER George, how long will it take for him to come round? George studies his watch. GEORGE Oh, just...about...-now-. Commander Flasheart gets up off the (offscreen) floor and stands up between George and Blackadder. He's just a bit unsteady for a few moments, but gradually regains his composure. FLASHEART Thanks, George, I feel much better now. GEORGE (To Blackadder) I really _know_ my Aldeberan tranquilizers, Constable. BLACKADDER Hmm, I see. You know _one_ thing really well. That makes you either an _idiot_savant_, or Kentucky Fried Chicken. FLASHEART Okay, people, let's figure out how to get me -- ourselves out of this mess -- The technician monitoring the base sensor array interrupts with a message for Tuud. TECHNICIAN Major, I'm reading five, no, seven, no... three _hundred_ blips. TUUD Switching to visual... The viewscreen shows several hundred Orlon craft of all different sizes heading toward the station. Orlon spacecraft look like large mechanical bees with solar panels for wings. TUUD Oh, spock, it's the Orlon Collection and I don't think they're here to make a fashion statement! FADE OUT. ----------------------------------------------------- ACT IV INT. AVALON CONTROL The viewscreen shows several hundred Orlon craft of all different sizes heading toward the station. Orlon spacecraft look like large mechanical bees with solar panels for wings. TUUD Oh, spock, it's the Orlon Collection and I don't think they're here to make a fashion statement! FLASHEART Go to maximum alert. Shields up! All the technicians reach under their station desks and pull out crude metal shields resembling Roman armor and hold them over their heads with one hand. Garibaldric opens up a ratty umbrella and cowers under it. FLASHEART Not _those_ shields! The base shields! NOBRAIN Ummm, sir, we don't _have_ any shields. FLASHEART _Why_not_? BLACKADDER They were cut from the construction budget. GEORGE I remember that. It was either the shields, or food replicators. FLASHEART But I thought we didn't _have_ food replicators. GEORGE UNPLUG decided that if we could choose between the two, then we probably didn't need either. But, we did get some _smashing_ artwork and self-help vids, crew morale and self-esteem being such an absolute priority and all. FLASHEART Sounds like UNPLUG logic to me. VO:ORLON CMDR THIS IS THE ORLON LEAD BATTLE CARRIER 'STOP-LIGHT RED WITH FLASHING AMBER WARNING LIGHTS' -- PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED FLASHEART Major, lemme talk to them. Ahem. This is Francis X. Flasheart, commander of this SpaceBase. Ummm, don't we get an opportunity to surrender or something? VO:ORLON CMDR WE HAVE NO USE FOR YOU OR YOUR BASE -- WE CAME ALL THE WAY FROM OUR HOME HIVE PLANET EXPECTING TO BLOW UP SOMETHING REALLY BIG AND WE ARE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE BLOW UP SOMETHING REALLY BIG FLASHEART Ah, I see. Well, can't we at least have time to make spiritual preparations? VO:ORLON CMDR YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR HOURS TO ENGAGE IN POINTLESS REPRODUCTIVE ACTIVITY WITH CONSENTING LIFEFORMS WITHIN YOUR REACH Flasheart makes a motion to Tuud to turn off the mike. FLASHEART Ensign, contact UNPLUG Central and inform them of our situation. George, round up the ambassadors and brief them on the situation. Chief, see if you can build a makeshift force shield projector out of the station's Pejorative TV antenna -- BLACKADDER (To himself) They really _are_ anal-retentive if they insist on blowing up the station. Blackadder has an epiphany. BLACKADDER That's it! The Orlons blew up the planet when its orbit was unstable. They live in dank, stuffy underground hives, so they would find fresh smells painful, and a _pine_scent_ would be positively _fatal_. They're trying to provoke us into war, with the Yarn carrying out copycat acts to fan the flame so that they can get the chance to prove what great allies they are! And, what all their feeble attempts at sabotage failed to do, the mere utterance of my accursed family name accomplished. (Sigh) I'm going to be blown into little bits because there's not enough emergency quiche to go around. Deluxx, having caught Blackadder's soliloquy by standing quietly behind him, moves forward and whispers in his ear. DELUXX Psst! Ten out of ten. We have to leave -- now! BLACKADDER I can't leave now! I'll be _shot_! DELUXX You'd rather be blown up? Tell the commander you have to go down to Pejor and get the Guy to mediate. He's so distracted, he won't even notice that we could just as easily contact her from here. Blackadder ponders her suggestion for just a tick. BLACKADDER -- You're _brilliant_! Even if we fail, I still won't end up as blackened Blackadder crisps. (To Flasheart) Commander, I'm going down to Pejor to get the Guy to mediate. FLASHEART -- umm, okay -- BLACKADDER (Surprised) And, additionally, sir, I'd like to castrate you with a pair of dull, rusty scissors and cauterize the resulting wound with a white-hot plate of Mexican food, fresh from the kitchen. FLASHEART -- sure, whatever -- BLACKADDER He really _is_ distracted! Let's go! EXT. SPACE -- PEJOR Establishing shot, linking to... INT. PEJOR -- FIRST CATHEDRAL -- A SHORT TIME LATER Main chamber of the First Cathedral of the Sock of Souls on Pejor. A staircase spirals upward to a majestic double-door on the back wall. Blackadder, carrying his extra sock, and Deluxx enter. BLACKADDER So, will you tell me _now_ why you made me take the sock? DELUXX The Orlons prize its smell, and somehow they found out we have it. BLACKADDER They prize its smell? In that case, I'm surprised they didn't threaten to blow up the entire quadrant unless we handed over Garibaldric! DELUXX It's also the only way we can elicit the Guy's cooperation. BLACKADDER Oh, I see. 'Excuse me, your holiness, but we brought you a really _smashing_ smelly sock with this really _huge_ hole, so now you're obligated to help us.' Lock us up in the Pejorative loony bin, more likely. Imagine, stuck in a room with five hundred ravers all called 'Mad Gerald'. DELUXX Edmund! That sock isn't just _any_ sock -- it's the _real_ Sock of the Souls. BLACKADDER No it isn't, I saw the vid about the previous Guy who stole it. DELUXX No, he stole and returned the _fake_ one we put in its place. BLACKADDER We? You and who else? DELUXX You, of course, silly. BLACKADDER Pardon me, but I think I'd remember stealing the most holy of holies from the planet of the people with the short fuses and the long memories. And even if I didn't, _they_ would! Deluxx turns around, facing Blackadder. DELUXX No, you wouldn't. That's the blank spot in your memory. So no one would suspect you. Well, almost no one -- BLACKADDER -- You mean _YOU_ erased my memory -- DELUXX I would _never_ do anything that wasn't in your best interest, Edmund. BLACKADDER How would I know -- you could wipe my memory! DELUXX There are telepaths _everywhere_. They can't read Cardigans, but Earthmen are as transparent as -- you know, that little outfit I wear sometimes -- BLACKADDER You mean you wiped my memory because my brain has holes for the naughty bits to stick out? DELUXX Sometimes you have such a _crude_ way of putting things. BLACKADDER Oh, and it's _not_crude_ when you scream 'I'm a hot roasting turkey, baste me!' at the top of your lungs? DELUXX Ssshh! We must summon the Guy. Deluxx pulls a velvet rope which rings a bell. The double doors swing open and Guy Edna walks out and descends the staircase (to Dame Edna's 'Niceness' theme) EDNA Hulloooo, Posssuuums! Let me guess, you've come to confess -- your adulation for a poor old religious mega-icon like m'self? Or, have you come to get bonded and stop living in sin? Y'know, I used to live in sin. Terrible place, near Esher. DELUXX Your eminence, we need your help, and we've brought an offering to persuade you of our sincerity. EDNA Oh, you've brought me flowers? DELUXX Better than flowers. Edmund, the sock. Blackadder hands the sock to Guy Edna. DELUXX We present you with the Sock of the Souls. EDNA Now, you wouldn't be trying to pull my leg, would you? DELUXX No, it is the _real_ Sock. EDNA (In her patented patronizing tone of voice) How nice. Now, I'm _sure_ you believe it's the real Sock, but I must tell you, I get several _hundred_ socks every day from people _just_like_you_. Donee, show our visitors the socks! Upstairs, Donee carries out a huge basket of socks. He stands at the top of the staircase, about to take them down when a trap door opens beneath him and he falls into a fountain below. EDNA Oh dear, he seems to have triggered one of the booby traps. I'm so sorry you had to see that. You know, there are always groupies and hangers-on, and we _can't_ be _too_ careful. That's why I have all kinds of technology at my disposal to protect me from (wide, warm smile) _you_, my adoring fans. In any case, you can pick up an eight-by-ten 3-d autographed glossy of me in the lobby on your way out. Thank you for stopping by -- DELUXX Wait, isn't there some _test_ which will prove that that is the real sock? EDNA Well, I suppose we can try it. You, (to Edmund) stick your hand down here -- BLACKADDER I beg your pardon? EDNA The sock, man, the sock! Blackadder stuffs his hand into the sock. INT. AVALON CONTROL GARIBALDRIC Dr. George, I'm scared. GEORGE I know how you feel. GARIBALDRIC What about the commander? He doesn't look scared. Both look down. GEORGE No, I suppose he looks...well, passed out, actually. VO:ORLON CMDR YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES. TUUD Hey, guys, has he recovered from the tranquilizer? GEORGE Ah, umm, not yet, Major. TUUD Figures. Chief, any luck on the force field? Nobrain is literally engulfed in wires. NOBRAIN What do _you_ think? TUUD Of course. Tuud walks over to her station, and pulls out a beautiful case, out of which she pulls a nasty-looking old Earth gun. TUUD Open a channel to the Orlons. Tuud holds up the gun to the camera. TUUD Orlon commander, see this? It's a Colt 45. It'll blow a hole _clean_through_ a person. If you don't back off, I'm going to kill _everybody_ here and blow up the station. I'll deny you the opportunity to do it yourselves. VO:ORLON CMDR YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT TUUD Oh, I'm sure that no one from UNPLUG would do it. But I'm just a poor, obnoxious Pejorative, and I'm used to doing crazy and hopeless things to get attention. VO:ORLON CMDR YOU ARE BLUFFING TUUD Well, the question you have to ask yourself is, 'Do you feel lucky'? Well, do you, Commander? Tuud smiles and rubs the side of the gun softly against her cheek. She turns to find everyone else in Control cowering in a corner -- except, of course, the unconscious Flasheart. INT. PEJOR -- FIRST CATHEDRAL EDNA Now stick your fingers out of the hole. BLACKADDER I am! But I don't see them poking out! DELUXX Of course -- a sockhole into another dimension! EDNA Well, I'll be an overexposed megastar -- it _is_ the _real_ sock! Edna grabs Blackadder's earlobe. EDNA Be still, I want to feel your lifeforce -- your 'Pyoochhh'. BLACKADDER Sounds like you're coughing up a hairball. EDNA Oh! Such a clean earlobe, so easy to read, too. Of course! The Emissionary! Edna lets go. BLACKADDER That's what the Cardigan terrorist called me -- EDNA The Emissionary is prophesied of in our holy documents. Well, in the 'Reader's Digest' version, anyway. You were _destined_ to steal it -- to safeguard it for a time -- and now, to discover its power and return it to us. Take yer hand out of the sock. A couple of voices emanate from inside the sock. VOICE 1 Anybody want to play a game of baseball? VOICE 2 If you build it, they will come. Edna turns to the camera and screws up her mouth in her trademark confused/repulsed expression. INT. AVALON CONTROL -- A SHORT TIME LATER Blackadder, Deluxx and Edna rush into Control. The rest of the staff, Ambassador G'Whiz and Ambassador Light Mauve are already there, laughing and partying. BLACKADDER What's going on? G'WHIZ Ah, PeptoBISmol, Constable. You missed all the FUN. MAUVE WHILE YOU WERE GONE -- THE ORLON COLLECTION WAS AMBUSHED BY THE YARN REPUBLIC -- BOTH SIDES INCURRED MAJOR LOSSES BUT UNPLUG OFFERED REBUILDING ASSISTANCE -- G'WHIZ So we all signed a peace accord -- BLACKADDER -- with UNPLUG giving great choking wads of cash and supplies to both sides to rebuild. MAUVE EXACTLY BLACKADDER That's what this whole thing was, all along. The Yarn and the Orlons were bored, and you hatched a plot to coerce UNPLUG into doling out foreign aid. I just have one question. FLASHEART What is it? BLACKADDER Where's my cut? Everybody laughs and George hands Blackadder a couple of bars of precious metal. BLACKADDER Ahh, goldless pratinum. The single easiest way to legally extort cash out of UNPLUG Central and I didn't think of it. My dear Deluxx, I must be losing my wits. DELUXX Why don't we go back to my quarters and let me help you find them? BLACKADDER Ummmm, okay. FADE OUT. ----------------------------------------------------- THE END -END OF PART 2---CUT-HERE-------------------------------------------------------