Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes:
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``Ladies and gentlemen, the captain is preparing for the final descent.  Please
return your stewardess to her full, upright position for landing 


``Please return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright and
most uncomfortable positions.''


``So that you don't embarrass yourself by falling on your face in the aisle,
please remain in your seats until the plane comes to a complete stop at the
terminal.''


``On behalf of airline, we'd like to welcome you to Bora-Bora, but instead
we'll welcome you to to Los Angeles.''


``If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a
child, put on your oxygen mask first ''


``There is no smoking in the aisles or lavatories.  If you are caught smoking
in the lavatories or the aisle, you will be asked to leave the aircraft once
we reach 35,000 feet.''


``Please check the overhead compartments for any personal belongings or small
children you may have brought on board.''


After reading to the safety rules to the passengers after takeoff: 
``If you do not follow these rules we will be forced to ask you
to leave.''


``We hope you have enjoyed flying with AirCal today, but if you haven't,
this has been PSA flight 99 to San Francisco.''


>From a PSA captain: ``We hear that AirCal and American are going to
merge.   They're going to call the new airline CalCan.''


``The captain has located the airport, so we've begun our descent
into San Diego.''


``Welcome to San Diego   The Captain is a much better flyer than
he is a driver so it would be in your best interests to remain
seated until we screech to a full stop at the gate.''