The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics: 1. Engage the enemy. 2. Draw him into your territory. 3. Wait until winter sets in. -- Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!" -- [The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in this morning's (28/03/91) Glasgow Herald.] Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: "Beatiful lady in scarlet, will you walt with me?" "Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Secondly, it is not a waltz, but the Venezualian national anthem; and thirdly I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio." -- [9] From: Mark Swift 4/4/91 4:58PM (892 bytes: 17 ln) Microsoft C 25.25 C** Compiler Version 25.25, Command Line Release Copyright (c) 1983-2525 Microsoft Corporation Copyright (c) 2525 Bill Gates XIV Compiling ai.c Warning C1007: Obvious Attempt to Perform Pointless Operation Warning C1009: Attempt to Bypass Unforgiving C Compiler Detected Warning C5150: Attempt to Crash C Compiler Circumvented Warning C2109: Internal Programmer Recognition Module Failed Warning C2007: Attempt to Intuit Programmer's Intent Failed Warning C0001: Compiler Out of Patience -- Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Read the man page! Q: How many Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The bulb was fine you just forgot to turn the switch on. Q: Is there a UNIX FORTRAN optomizer? A: Yeah, "rm *.f" Q: Is there a proper procedure for asking the support staff questions? A: Questions will not be answered by the support staff unless the proper procedure is used. Q: How do I send electronic mail? A: I'm busy now, please send me e-mail. Q: Why do support staff email messages always end in quotes no one understands? A: "The way is void" -Musashi Q: Is there some documentation for the "tn3270" command? A: It's here with a description of emacs vi-mode. [The last one loosely based on a joke told at the first X conference] -- Excerpts from mail: 7-Jun-91 Re: radio. radio. george@bpssop.nrl.navy.m (741) Sound Advice: 1. Everytime someone asks/tells you to do something, think "Fuck off." 2. Blame distortion and ugly sound on the equipment. 3. Blame feedback on the band tossing mics into monitors. 4. Blame a bad mix on the band's 5000 watt guitar amp. 5. Blame bad visual (lights, etc) on the band being drunk. 6. Make someone by you food. 7. Yell "SNARE!" at the drummer fifty times, it impresses everyone. 8. Get there early, so there's plenty of time to shoot the shit, until the band shows up an hour late. 9. Even when the mix is finished, move pots up and down to look impressive. 10. If all else fails, throw an art fit. george An executive of a German chemical company accused of selling raw materials for chemical weapons to Iraq explained, "We were only filling orders." Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell. Used by Permission. -- I heard this from a friend, David Kra. He says it's original: Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door. -- Why don't the English build computers? They can't figure out how to make them leak oil! -- Politcal Cartoon, seen today: Labelled: UnRussian Affairs Commitee Bunch of russians in a senate hearing-like environment: "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist part?" --- From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuffs. -- From: brewer@sol.cs.wmich.edu (Steve Brewer) Subject: Behavior, professors One of my undergraduate college professors said: You can classify any behavior using the scheme I call the "Four F's." These are: Feeding, Fleeing, Fighting, and Reproducing. = = = = = = = From: patti@hosehead.intel.com Subject: Documentation Musings While discussing product proposals lately, we began to wonder about something. Is the word spec short for specification, or for speculation? = = = = = = = From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer) Subject: Quoted from a microbiology grad student Graduate School: It's not just a job, its an indenture. (My girlfriend was the first one *I* ever heard say this, but someone else says they heard it before so we can't claim originality) = = = = = = = -- Organization: Westinghouse, ITTC, Pgh, PA. From: fpb@ittc.wec.com (Frank P. Bresz) Subject: VAXES VAX: A machine for the 80's, and it still is. Quoted from : Don Perkins = = = = = = = From: labarge@nscs1.nscses.sea06.navy.mil (]) Subject: modifify a cliche to invent good physics Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of. --David Moser = = = = = = = From: dhw@iti.org (David H. West) Subject: Yet Another Lightbulb Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to climb the ladder, and the other to hand him up the penis^H^H^H^H^H light bulb. [heard from Jay Ungar, revised for ASCII by sender] = = = = = = = From: tale@cs.rpi.edu (David C Lawrence) Subject: Atlanta's Failing Franchises >From "Who Dat", a fictional article by George Alec Effinger in the May 1991 _Playboy_. I've not verified whether this part is fact. Atlanta's sports teams are about as pitiful as one could hope. They had a contest recently to choose a slogan for the Braves. One of the entries read, "Go, Braves! And take the damn Falcons with you!" = = = = = = = Organization: Questor::Free Internet/Usenet*Vancouver*BC::+1 604 681.0670 From: dgelbart@questor.wimsey.bc.ca (Dave Gelbart) Subject: Anarchists and tea, pun [Heard this one at a left-wing bookshop recently...] Why do anarchists drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft. = = = = = = = From: herbw@wiskit.UUCP (herbw@wiskit.rain.com) Subject: Speaking of Naughty Politicians From Jonathan Nicholas' column in The Oregonian, Friday, March 29, 1991 This just in from a Nicholas Notifier up north. Everyone's favorite farmer and political commentator off the interstate near Chehalis has just come up with the prize line of his career. "Limit congressmen to two terms. One in office. One in jail." = = = = = = = From: mirk@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor) Subject: Words of Wisdom (original) Taylor's Laws of Programming ============================ (*) Never write it in C if you can do it in `awk'. (*) Never do it in `awk' if `sed' can handle it. (*) Never use `sed' when `tr' can do the job. (*) Never invoke `tr' when `cat' is sufficient. (*) Avoid using `cat' whenever possible. = = = = = = = From: rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold) Subject: Re: That's a negatory on the bullshit captain Date: 17 May 92 22:04:10 GMT I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio: Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon". Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!" (brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot." -- From: strnlght@netcom.com (David Sternlight) Newsgroups: sci.crypt Subject: Re: GCHQ's location. No big secret! Date: 31 Aug 92 19:26:18 GMT Then there's the famous story about the time they were building CIA headquarters, and a local real estate developer wanted to know how many employees would be housed there, so he could plan some residential developments nearby. He was completely stonewalled, so he called the Soviet Embassy and they told him. They had it just about dead on. -- From: als@bohra.cpg.oz.au (Anthony Shipman) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: fear of flying Date: 8 Sep 92 08:30:03 GMT [From the paper today] The airline business has always had a rich sense of humour, and one purportedly true story doing the rounds at the moment upholds the tradition. It concerns a stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control. "Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing." -- From: maven@hercules.lerc.nasa.gov (Larry Fishbach) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: U.nfortunately, S.till A.llegheney I.n R.eality Keywords: chuckle, true Date: 24 Sep 92 23:30:03 GMT Originator: Friend of victim Subject US Air and crash of Flight 405 The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that US Air sent a "Welcome to our frequent flier club" letter to one of the victims who died in the crash of Flight 405 out of LaGuardia. I ran into my neighbor who was also a victim but survived the crash and asked him what he thought of the insensitivity of US Air. He informed me that after reading in the PD of the incident, another friend of his called him and asked if he had received his 1/2 mile credit for the flight! -- Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 4:30:05 EDT Subject: joke From: doug@e7sa.epi.syr.ge.com (Doug Smith) My unique solution to two of the world's problems: "Feed to Homeless to the Hungry" -- Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 19:30:04 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: stewart@dao.nrc.ca (Robyn Stewart--Library) Subject: Novel Search Algorithm We three females took a few of the guys along shopping a couple weeks ago. After an afternoon of watching women discuss imperceptible (to them) differences in colour, and waiting outside fitting rooms, the guys came up with this: "I think I'll write the 'women-in-a-mall' search program sometime." "How does that work?" "It first does a linear search through the entire set, then, unsatisfied with a negative result, it goes back and checks random items to see if it missed something." --- From: jns@inoms.bellcore.com (Jesse N. Schell) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Questions Date: 8 Oct 92 08:30:09 GMT Someone once asked me if there was any real difference between engineers, scientists, and managers in today's high tech companies. Although the differences are often subtle to an outsider, you can tell one from another simply by the questions they ask. Engineering: "How will this work?" Science: "Why will this work?" Management: "When will this work?" And in today's technological environment, this is often followed by: Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" -- Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1992 00:59:01 -0500 (EST) From: "Scott F. Earnest" Subject: A European Definition of Heaven and Hell Sorry, no accreditable header I give to this thing. I just remember hearing it one night (morning?) as I was lying drowsily in bed. I heard this on the radio about six months ago, and I remembered it well enough that I could jot it down. I do remember that the voice was someone well-known. David Letterman, maybe? (If any of you know the source of this, let me know. Thanx!) Heaven is where . . . the French cook the food, the Germans are the mechanics, the Italians are the lovers, the Swiss are the hotel managers, and the English are the police. Hell is where . . . the English cook the food, the Italians are the mechanics, the Swiss are the lovers, the French are the hotel managers, and the Germans are the police. -- Subject: Re: Math, Phys, Comp-Sci jokes From: gfadel@eng.clemson.edu (George Fadel) Date: 29 Oct 92 16:50:40 GMT Here is one I tell sometimes to my engineering freshmen: Several mathematicians are gathered around a flag pole. An engineer happens to walk by. He asks if there is a problem. The mathematicians reply that they are trying to figure out how to measure the height of the flag pole. So the engineer looks at the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it and puts it back in the ground. He gives his answer and leaves. The mathematicians look at each other and say: "just like an engineer, we ask him for the height, he gives us the length..." --- Subject: The 24-Stage Software Test From: mathew Date: Tue, 03 Nov 92 14:57:03 GMT The following is from this month's .EXE Magazine... The 24-Stage Software Test alpha It compiles! beta It runs on Joe's machine. gamma It runs on Kate's machine too. delta It runs on the network. epsilon It's stopped running on Kate's machine. zeta It runs on all machines, but report crashes. eta It crashes with HIMEM.SYS. theta It crashes without HIMEM.SYS. iota It crashes with a serial printer. kappa It works! But the spec has changed. lambda It runs, but mysteriously at half the speed of before. mu It crashes the network. nu It crashes Kate's machine with HIMEM.SYS, Joe's without. xi It runs, but the printout is garbage. omicron As above, but crashes after printout sometimes. pi It sometimes crashes. rho Kate thinks it works, but it turns out she's running lambda. sigma No luck yet. tau Aha, sorted out the printout. upsilon Nearly there -- just need to tidy up the help text. phi It won't run at all on anything. chi Yipee! It runs perfectly on all the machines in the world. psi It runs on all the machines in the world except that idiot's from Basingstoke with the customised Amstrad and DOS 4.01. omega It won't compile. -- From: vsh@etnibsd.uucp (Steve Harris) Subject: chuckle Date: 25 Sep 92 15:37:47 GMT Checked in to my hotel at a recent Usenix conference, opened the bedside drawer, found a copy of K&R -- said it had been left by the Gideons. -------------------------------------------- Subject: End of the month memo From: dgold@basso.actrix.gen.nz (Dale Gold) Date: Fri, 13 Nov 92 4:30:04 EST This appeared in our weekly schedule at work. Original source unknown. Another Month Ends All Targets Met All Systems Working All Customers Satisfied All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly -------------------------------------------- I got this from Alon Efrat at the Technion, Isarel. Why God Never Received Tenure at the University ------------------ 1. Because He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done since ? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat His results. ------------------------------------------------- I work in tech support, and after back-to-back calls on the exact same subject, I came up with the following: Question: What's the difference between a stupid caller and an intelligent caller? Answer: About half an hour. -- After that truly spectacular ceremony at the Barcelona Games last month, in which the Olympic Flame was lit by an archer's flaming arrow shot high into the air, my friends have been wondering what in the world the 1996 Atlanta Olympic organization will do to make the lighting of Atlanta's flame as memorable. I've figured it out. It's a great plan, it's been done successfully once before, and Atlanta remembers it to this day. There's only one catch, though: they need to find someone who looks exactly like General Sherman. -- A friend introduced me to the spec he tells his machine shop to use: MIL-TD41 (make it like the f*&%ing drawing for once). -- After taking a course in mathematical physics, I wanted to know the real difference between Mathematics and Physicists. A professor friend told me "A Physicist is someone who averages the first 3 terms of a divergent series" -- when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. in my sleep. like my grandfather. not screaming, like the passengers in his car... -- As seen in Physics World Feb. '93 (the Institute of Physics monthly mag.) "Last month saw the issue of a preprint from CERN's theory division by D Hajdukovic and H Satz:- 'Does the one-dimensional Ising model show intermittency?' asks the title. For those who understand the question but are uninterested in the details, the abstract is commendably and may be unprecendently succint... 'NO.' I wish all academics would write like this. ------------------- Bob Prince, former announcer of the Pittsburgh Pirates, was on the golf course one day, becoming increasingly irritated by the slow play of the foursome in front of him. Standing in the hot sun, no doubt nursing a hangover, Prince waited while a gentleman several hundred feet in front of him prepared to shoot. After the gentleman had taken several practice swings, the Gunner reached his boiling point. "Hit the f***ing ball!", he shouted. The guy turned around. It was the Rev. Billy Graham. ------------------- Yesterday, a Republican Senator got brain surgery, while a Democratic Governor received a heart transplant. Obviously a hospital mix-up... ------------------- In Madison, NJ a new store that sells used CDs opened up last year. Their shoplifting-deterrence policy is simple: this sign is hanging from one of the display cases: CD CASES ARE EMPTY! Shoplifters will be prosecuted and laughed at. ------------------- A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about 2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with a terrific noise in the background shouted: Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?" VP: "That's right." Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to Greece? Or will you waive the policy?" The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "... can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils." ------------------- I heard on the radio that the FBI now suspect that the letter bombing at Yale is related to letter bombings in the late 70's. My first thought was, "My, that's a sad commentary on the Post Office." ------------------- From: grey@futon.sfsu.edu (Herbert Leong) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Bad place to be? Date: 8 Jul 93 08:30:02 GMT I remembered this after I read a joke about the worst airport in a previous posting: I have a friend who visited relatives in the Miami, Florada area and was not at all pleased to go... He said something along the lines of: "...You know it's gonna be bad when the first thing they do at the airport is put a tag on your bag that has "MIA" printed on it..." ------------------- Seen on the sign outside the Burger King on Green Street in Champaign, IL last May: ______________________ | GOOD LUCK UI GRADS | | | | HELP WANTED | ______________________ ------------------- Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 3:20:01 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Radio Call Letters From: ed@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Ed Ahrenhoerster) Radio stations east of the Mississippi all start with the letter "W", while west of the Mississippi they all start with "K", but what about all the Des Moines stations *in* the Mississippi? -Ed ------------------- Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 12:20:03 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Davenport, Iowa From: tewari@leland.stanford.edu What's the no. 1 movie in Davenport? A River Runs Through It. ------------------- Date: Tue, 17 Nov 92 4:30:03 EST Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: smorris@tweedledee.ucsb.edu (Stephen Morris) Subject: Anthropologists Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives. "Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting anthropologist. "Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!". He points at a palm tree and says "what is that?". The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!". He then points at a rock and says "and that?". The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!". "You see!", says the beaming anthropologist, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!". "That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!". ------------------- On the console of our Amdahl mainframe system, there is a large button labled "Emergency Pull", which had an equivalent function to the one described by Martin Ewing in RISKS-11.66. One weekend we had a problem with the system that the assigned Customer Engineer did not consider serious enough to justify leaving home, inspite of the arguments from the local Site Manager that the primary subsystem could not run. The Site Manager then called him from the phone adjacent to the console. He mentioned this switch to the CE, casually asking what would happen if it was pulled. Upon confirmation that is a priority service call would be required to reset the switch, the Site Manager calmly pulled the switch and said "Gee; the system seems to be dead!" The CE sighed, and came in... ------------------- Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: ``Port Left Starboard Right'' ------------------- A statistician was asked to find out the height of the Queen of Thailand. So he conducted a survey - asked 1,000 people what their estimate was. He got 1,000 answers, and calculated the mean. Becuase the sample size was so large, the standard deviation of the answer was a very small fraction of an inch, so he had a very accurate estimate of the height of the Queen of Thailand. Unfortunately, somebody had to point out that Thailand is a republic. ----------------------------------------------------------- A statistician goes hunting in the woods, and soon sees a deer. He fires his gun and misses to the left by one foot. He quickly reloads and fires again, missing by one foot to the right. "Hurrah!" He shouts, "I hit it!" ------------------- From: chuck@edsi.plexus.COM (Chuck Tomasi) Subject: What does PCMCIA stand for? Date: Sat, 05 Jun 1993 00:09:42 GMT I heard a good one at work today and thought I would pass it on. One of the engineers who is working on a project involving PCMCIA asked me what it stood for. I thought about it for a minute, but before he let me spit out my definition he quipped "People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms." I laughed pretty hard since is is one of the worst acronyms to hit the industry in a long time and his definition was so appropriate. ------------------- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Tourism, Florida and sick humor From: j1h9453@eagle.tamu.edu (Joel Andrew Huddleston) Given recent events in Florida, the tourism board in Texas has developed a new advertising campaign based on the slogan "Ya'll come to Texas, where we ain't shot a tourist in a car since November 1963." ------------------- Date: Sat, 27 Nov 93 19:30:02 EST Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: cbuckley@unix1.tcd.ie (Colm Buckley) Subject: Taxi Driver Keywords: smirk, sexual Approved: funny@clarinet.com Heard this at work today - from a reliable source. The scene : outside a nightclub at closing time. People are starting to come out and look for taxis. One guy, known for his practical jokes, tells his friends to "Watch this, and tell me tomorrow what the reaction is." His friends then see him go to the first taxi in the line, and get in. They see him talking to the driver. After a few seconds, he gets out of the car. He goes to the next taxi and talks to the driver, only to get out again after a few seconds. This process repeats for five or six taxis; then finally he remains in a cab and drives off. The other taxi drivers then all get out of their cars and talk to each other. They appear to be in a state of some agitation, with many incredulous looks in the direction of the departed taxi. Eventually they get back into their own cars, and things settle down. Naturally, everyone was curious as to what had happened, so when they met the guy in question the following day, they asked him what he had done to get the drivers so upset. "Well," he replied. "I got into the first car, and told the driver that I didn't have any money, but that I would give him a blowjob if he took me home. Naturally, he refused. I did the same for the next few taxis." "When I figured I was starting to push my look, I simply asked the driver to take me home, without mentioning blowjobs...." Imagine the reputation which that poor driver gained that night..... -- Colm Buckley Department of Computer Science, Trinity College, Dublin 2, Ireland. EMail : cbuckley@cs.tcd.ie -------------------